Early this morning, in a labor room somewhere, Ryan Lochte sat by the window and furiously looked at the sky with wide-open eyes. A nurse strolled up, asked him what he was doing and why he wasn’t with his fiancee. Ryan didn’t take his eyes off the sky as he excitedly said, “I’m waiting for da stork to bring da bay-beeeeee.” The nurse sighed, shook their head and walked away. The nurse didn’t want to tell Ryan the truth about where babies come from. Ryan’s half brain cell wouldn’t be able to process that heavy news today. It’s already been through so much.
Six months ago, we learned that Ryan Lochte was going to be in charge of another human when he announced that his Instagram model fiancee Kayla Rae Reid was knocked up with their first baby. That baby is here. This morning, Ryan tweeted that happy tears trickled down his face as soon as the stork (read: Ryan’s understanding cousin in a stork costume) strolled through the door with his new baby son in hand. Ryan also tweeted his poor kid’s new name and sadly for all of us, he didn’t name his son Jeah or Jeahsus or Jeahden or anything like that. But Ryan did stay on brand by giving his son the name of a frat boy athlete who goes on to open up a chain of adult arcades with his best bro-friend Boomer. Caiden & Boomer’s does sound like a way bro-ier Dave & Buster’s.
Never seen a miracle happen before. Until this morning at 5:46 am when CAIDEN ZANE LOCHTE was born. can't stop crying from tears of joy
— Ryan Lochte (@RyanLochte) June 8, 2017
I’m going to stop being a cynical asshole for once in my life and say that I really think that Ryan will learn a lot from his new son. Like, when CZ Jeah graduates from potty-training, he can teach his dad that that pissing in the pool is gross. Or when CZ Jeah’s preschool teacher reads The Berenstain Bears and The Truth to the class, he can teach his dad that lying is really wrong. I know, Ryan’s never going to learn that shit, but I was trying to say something nice here!