Ryan Lochte Is Going To Be Somebody’s Father

December 14, 2016 / Posted by:

When Olympic gold medalist and fairy tale storyteller of our time Ryan Lochte announced that he’s getting married to his Playboy model girlfriend of less than a year, Kayla Rae Reid, you may have heard a shotgun. No, it wasn’t the sound of an armed Brazilian robber not robbing Ryan Lochte again. It was from little Jeah (that is the only baby name I’ll accept) doing the backstroke in Kayla Rae Reid’s womb.

One of Ryan’s sperm fishes is obviously smarter than him (that’s not saying much), because it didn’t get lost and managed to bust through one of Kayla’s eggs. The other jizz fishes probably swam fast for a while and forgot what their mission was, so they stopped, pissed against her cervix walls and then took a long nap. Ryan and Kayla both announced on their own Instagrams today that in a few months, Baby Jeah will be calling them mom and dad. Ryan added this caption:

My Christmas gift came early this year, can’t wait for next year! Best news I’ve ever received #CLOUD9 #excited #family #love #2017

They made the announcement by posting pictures worthy of Awkward Family Photos. The pictures they posted make him look like he’s about to go down on her, and I’d like to think that in the first picture, she blew a sneaky pregnancy queef at him.

And in this picture, Kayla Rae’s chichis want to float to the top while Ryan wants to keep her down in the water for the sake of Instagram likes:

Ryan kissing on Kayla’s belly tells me that he knows where babies come from, which is pretty impressive. I would think that Ryan would post a picture of himself kissing a stork, because that’s where he believes babies come from. A super advanced science book told him so!

Pic: Instagram

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