A Report From The Times Of London Claims That Peaches Geldof Died Of A Heroin Overdose (UPDATE)

The Times of London (via The Daily Mail) says that tomorrow morning in London, detectives will a hold a press conference where they’ll announce that toxicology reports show that 25-year-old Peaches Geldof died of a heroin overdose. Earlier this month, Peaches’ autopsy came back as “inconclusive” and toxicology tests were ordered.

The Times says that not a trace of the bad shit was found in Peaches’ house at the time of her death, so the police suspect that somebody got rid of the drugs and paraphernalia before the cops showed up. What makes Peaches’ death really eery and sad is that her mother Paula Yates also died of a heroin overdose while taking care of her sister Tiger Lily. Peaches was reportedly taking care of her 11-month-old son Phaedra when she died.

Four years ago, a guy on Reddit wrote about how he had a heroin-fueled one-night-stand with Peaches that ended in a puddle of barf in a sauna at the Scientology Centre. Peaches admitted to messing with the bad shit, but said that she cleaned up and was focusing on being a mom.

The Times of London is supposedly reputable (not as reputable as The Daily Mail, of course), but none of this has been confirmed by the police yet. So there’s still a chance that at tomorrow morning’s inquest, the detective will stand before reporters and say, “Xenu did it!”

UPDATE: Xenu’s off the hook. Det Ch Insp Paul Fotheringham said at the inquest this morning that “recent use of heroin and the levels identified were likely to have played a role in her death.”

Peaches Geldof’s Autopsy Was “Inconclusive”

One thing I’ve learned in the 9 years of writing this mess of a blog is that autopsies in real life are nothing like autopsies on TV. The results don’t come back after commercial break and the autopsies aren’t done by Jack Klugman or Dana Delany. (But if they were done by Dana Delany and Jack Klugman’s ghost in real life, the results MIGHT come back after the commercial break.) So Peaches Geldof’s autopsy came back as “we’re not ready to write shit on her death certificate” and they had to order toxicology reports, which could take weeks.

Peaches got a piggyback ride from Mickey Rooney to the heaven on Monday after she died at her home in Kent. The Police say they didn’t find any hard drugs or a suicide note in Peaches’ house and they don’t think she was murdered. Some UK doctor who makes the rounds on TV shows and has never treated Peaches for anything thinks she might’ve died of bulimia or had a rare heart issue.

The cops still say that Peaches’ death is “unsuspicious,” but how in the hell can you call the death of a chick who was involved with Scientology at one time or another “unsuspicious“? Anytime anybody who was involved with Scientology dies, the cops should bring Xenu in and make that bitch sweat it out under the lights. If a 102-year-old woman died of natural cases and we come to find out that she once read a paragraph in Dianetics at a Barnes & Nobles while waiting for a movie, we should all hold our magnifying glasses up to her death! And then we should create an anti-Scientology shield of protection by sprinkling anti-depressants around us.

Peaches Geldof Dead At 25

Well damn, the BBC says that British socialite Peaches Geldof was found dead at her home in Kent this afternoon. An ambulance was called to her house and paramedics later pronounced her dead. A question mark has been listed as cause of death for now and the police say that “the death is being treated as unexplained and sudden.” Peaches was only 25.

Peaches was the daughter of Irish legend Sir Bob Geldof and British TV presenter Paula Yates and became a scenester type in London when she was a teenager. Peaches had a few reality shows and wrote a column for Elle UK and The Guardian. Peaches was also known for her messy antics like the time she blamed the City of London for not taking care of the sidewalks when her baby fell out of his stroller while she was talking on her iPhone and the time she supposedly had a heroin-induced one-night-stand which ended at the Scientology Centre in L.A. (Peaches later denied doing that dragon chasing shit and said she only flirted with Tommy Girl’s cult of insanity for a quick second.) Peaches fucked around with Eli Roth for a minute and married her first husband Max Drummey in 2008. After Peaches gave birth to her first son Astala in 2012 and married her hot husband Thomas Cohen, she seemed have to calmed down. She gave birth to her second son Phaedra last year.

Bob Geldof released this statement about the death of his daughter:

“Peaches has died. We are beyond pain. She was the wildest, funniest, cleverest, wittiest and the most bonkers of all of us.”

Peaches her survived by her sons, her dad, her husband and her sisters Fifi Trixibelle Geldof and Tiger Lily Hutchence Geldof.

Peaches’ mother died of an overdose when she was just 11. Yesterday, Peaches Instagrammed this picture of her with her mom.

Rest in peace, Peaches.

Peaches Geldof Gave Birth To A Real Housewife Of Atlanta

Peaches Geldof and her husband Sherri from The Simpsons Tom Cohen are somebody’s parents again. Peaches had a scheduled C-section on April 24th, her late mother’s birthday, and I’m assuming that the doctor reached into her body and pulled out a tiny black lady with a donkey booty and a side-eye like no other.

A source tells The Sun that Peaches birthed out her second son and she and 1979 era Shelley Duvall her husband decided to name him:

PHAEDRA!!!!!!!!

The source says that they chose the name “Phaedra,” because it’s the name of an album by her favorite band Tangerine Dream. Peaches and Tom’s other kid is named Astala, so when Phaedra and Astala get older, they can start a new age electronic band together and only sing songs about the constellation and Greek myths. Phaedra and Astala will headline Coachella 2033. Trust this.

The source also said that Peaches and Tom were “over the moon” and I’m going to ignore that violation against humanity, because they named their son PHAEDRA! Peaches can be all hipstery and pretend like she named her kid after an album by her favorite band, but I know the truth. She’s a down low RHoA watcher and Phaedra is her idol. That makes me like Peaches just a little bit. I can’t wait for Baby Phaedra to look at Peaches and spit out his first words, “You didn’t send for me, but I still came for you.”

Peaches Geldof Is Already Knocked Up Again

Just 7 months after birthing out her first kid Astala, Rotten Peaches Geldof told Hello Magazine (via The Sun) that another baby moved up into her womb 3 and a half months ago. Well, when you’re Peaches Geldof, what else is there to do? One half of the day is spent prying your kid off of the sidewalk and the other half is spent squeezing a baby batter load out of your man. You can’t blame Peaches, because if your husband looked like a middle-aged Eurasian lesbian who teaches women’s studies at Vassar, you too would constantly ride that shit until a baby popped out.

Peaches is already telling the world what she’s having and she and her piece Thomas Cohen have already picked out a name. They’re going to name that poor kid PHAEDRA PHAE.DRA.

“It’s a name that comes from an ancient Greek play. But it also features in a song Tom and I both love called Some Velvet Morning by Lee Hazlewood. Finding out I was pregnant again so soon was quite a shock. Tom was so happy. He loves being a dad so much and is brilliant with Astala, who totally adores him, so he was over the moon. I, on the other hand, did have a momentary panic and go, ‘Oh my God, we’re going to have a one-year-old and a one-month-old! How will we cope?’ But Tom was so supportive and relaxed, it banished my doubts and I started imagining the two boys growing up together as the best of friends. It will be great for Astala to have Phaedra to play with.”

Never mind Peaches’ obvious Over the Moon violation, bitch is naming a boy Phaedra. There’s only one way to express my feelings on Peaches naming her son PHAEDRA:

Yes, that name deserves Phaedra Parks’ signature side-to-side eye roll. And here’s some pictures of Baby Astala. I know, Peaches’ coat looks so shiny and luscious in those pictures.

Peaches Geldof Totally Has Her Priorities In Order

If you went into your car right now, opened up the ash tray and counted the coins you have in there, you’d basically have half of Dlisted’s photo budget. So because of this, I don’t have the pictures of Rotten Peaches Geldof snatching the Mother of 2012 certificate from Tan Mom’s hand, but you must click on over to The Mirror and spend some time with them, because DAMN. Just a day after Peaches married Sherri (or Terri, I’m not sure) from The Simpsons, she took her 5-month-old baby Astala for a stroll that ended with his little baby legs flying up in the air. Peaches obviously got dropped straight on her head several times as a baby, but shouldn’t she want something different for her own child? Shit.

Peaches was too busy yacking into her iPhone that she didn’t notice a huge hole in the sidewalk. The stroller’s wheel got caught in the hole causing the whole thing to topple over and BOOM! went baby. Unlike her baby, Peaches’ iPhone was firmly strapped in and never left her shoulder as she picked Astala back-up. The dumb bitch was like, “Hey girl, so blah blah blah blah blah blah blah, Ohshit, Whatshisname just fell out of the pram! Don’t be silly! You don’t have to hold. As I was saying before Whathisname rudely interrupted me by almost dying….“

Rotten Peaches went on Twitter to blame the City of London for not fixing the roads and sidewalks. You tell those bitches, Peaches! Something truly terrible could’ve happened! Like Peaches could’ve dropped her iPhone. Do you know how much those things cost?

And if you need to know Baby Astala’s thoughts on this, just look at that picture above. That’s the face of a baby who knows the card he’s been dealt and has already given up on life.