The nominations for the 2017 Golden Globes were announced yesterday. Of course, some television shows, movies, actors, and actresses didn’t make the list, and that’s bound to make some people mad. 50 Cent, for example, is really pissed off that Power, the Starz show he executive produces and co-stars on, was left out of the category for Best Television Series, Drama. Some people get their anger out by screaming into a pillow. 50 Cent’s pillow is Instagram, and so he threw his tantrum there.
Earlier today, NBC sent out a press release (that I choose to believe was faxed by an excited Kenneth Parcell) announcing the host of the 74th Golden Globe Awards next year. Sadly, Ricky Gervais isn’t going to host for a fifth time, which means he’ll be stuck drinking pints and cackling at celebrities from the comfort of his own couch. Instead, NBC announced that they gave the job to NBC’s goofy and hyperactive son Jimmy Fallon.
Dennis Quaid must have been absent the day that Professor Ryan Gosling taught the class how to correctly pronounce Saoirse Ronan’s name. (I watched that lesson and my brain still wants to pronounce her name as Saw-Or-See.) Randy Quaid’s brother, Angela Bassett, Not Gina Rodriguez and Chloe Grace Moretz all got up at the hour of the ungodly this morning to announce the Golden Globe nominations. When it was Dennis’ turn at the podium, he had his own Dick Poop moment while dribbling out the nominations for Best Actress in a ~dramatic~ movie. By the way, “Dick Poop Moment” sounds like the sequel to Sinead O’Connor’s piece about “the difficult brown.”
DQ must be a graduate of John Travolta’s School of Pronunciation, because when he got to Saoirse Ronan’s name, this came out of his mouth:
Sheesha Ronan! Dude hacked up Saoirse’s first name and he gave me the hungries while doing so. Because when you say “Sheesha Ronan” really fast, it sounds like you’re saying chicharrones.
Great, now thanks to Dennis Quaid’s sloppy mouth, I’m going to be hungry this entire awards season. Every time I see Saoirse Ronan, I’m going to picture her as a giant, delicious pork rind.
This morning, the Golden Globes announced the names of the acting hos who will get shit-faced as Ricky Gervais roasts their assholes raw, and Johnny Depp is not going to be one of those hos. Johnny Depp was nominated for a SAG for Black Mass and everyone is saying he’s on the short-list for an Oscar, but this morning, he’s using one of the 15 scarves around his neck to dry the greasy eyeliner tears streaming down his cheek, because those GG whores shut him out. Boo and Pistol better picket outside of the Hollywood Foreign Press Association’s headquarters today!
Some of the TV nominations made me pour another shot of liquid meth into my coffee, because I wasn’t sure I was reading that shit right. The Golden Globe messes chose to honor Lady Gaga (for American Horror Story: Hotel) and her music video acting and WTF accent. They also gave a nomination to Rachel Bloom for My Crazy Ex-Girlfriend, which I watch and I think I’m the only one who does. I love it because it’s like a recurring acid trip and as a native child of the San Gabriel Valley, I have to watch it since it takes place in West Covina, CA. Mad Men only got one nomination and they left out The Leftovers, Getting On (FUCK THEM FOR THAT!) and The Americans. They also finally pulled their tongue out of Modern Family’s ass.
As for the movie nominations, Carol got the most. Both Cate Blanchett and Rooney Mara are in the Best Actress category.
Alicia Vikander is a damn SLYCIC, because a few months ago she “predicted” that she’s going to the Oscars. The thirst is paying off! Alicia got two nominations: one for Ex Machina and one for The Danish Girl. Spotlight got nominated for Best Drama, but got a handful of butt dust in the acting categories. The Martian and Joy both ended up in the comedy categories. Since they treated Joy as a comedy, they should’ve given Melissa Rivers a nomination. Jennifer Lawrence was nominated, of course, and she’s battling it out against her best friend forever Amy Schumer. Yeah, those two will be at the Golden Globes together so I’m sure fart-induced hijinks will ensue!
All of the nominations are after the cut. The Golden Globes will happen on January 10th, that’s if God doesn’t throw a lightning bolt at Hollywood before then. Because Meryl Streep was in two movies this year (Suffragette and Ricki and the Flash) and she didn’t get one nomination. I’m pretty sure that the 11th commandment is Thou Shalt Not Snub Meryl Streep.
Taylor Swift Might Have Had A Cry-Filled Breakdown Over Jake Gyllenhaal At A Golden Globes Afterparty
Which would make Lorde that friend who strokes her hair while saying “No girl, stop your tears – he ain’t worth it!!!“, I guess?
Even though Taylor Swift has been on a bit of a girl power I-ain’t-need-no-man kick recently, it sounds like she’s still a fragile ball of boy-crazy 13-year-old girl emotions. According to UsWeekly (via Lainey Gossip), the real life Stacey McGill found herself at the same Golden Globes afterparty at the Chateau Marmont on Sunday night with Jake Gyllenhaal, and it got all kinds of dramatic.
A source says that sometime around 2am, Tay Tay was seen freaking out on the dance floor and telling a friend “We have to go, we have to go.” Also on the dance floor? Jakey G, who was busting a move with famous dick enthusiast Rita Ora. The source says Tay Tay ran to the bathroom with a bunch of her friends, including Cara Delevingne, to have a meltdown, and emerged a while later with her eye makeup smudged to hell and pacing around the lobby. Eventually she moved it outside, where she was seen sitting on a bench with Cara’s arm around her.
However, Detective La Lainey has noticed that UsWeekly seems to have updated their original story, and it’s now 100% less like a melodramatic middle school semi-formal. UsWeekly is now saying that several sources claim Tay Tay was totally cool running into Jake. In fact, said “sources” say they saw Tay Tay run up to Jake and give him a big hug, adding that they were smiling and chatting and braiding each others hair and shit.
Hmmm…who to believe, who to believe. The first “source” who says Tay Tay was a blubbering butterscotch mess, or the second “source” who says she was totally cool and whatever about the whole situation? I’m going with the first, but only because the microchip in Taylor’s living doll brain is permanently set to 1960s Teenage Girl, so it would make sense that the second her eyes saw
Judy and Johhny Jakey and Rita Ora, she’d get all “It’s My Party” and start crying. She can’t help it, really.
Here’s more of Tay Tay arriving to the InStyle/WB Golden Globes afterparty with her BFF Lorde, the Haim girls, and the 35-year-old woman who hangs out with them, Jaime King:
If you haven’t been able to guess by the sound of gleeful cackling coming from a fancy weed-scented chateau in France, Jennifer Aniston didn’t with that Best Most Serious Actress Who Isn’t Rachel Green Anymore award at the Golden Globes last night. Even though she’s been hustling Cake like the rent was due yesterday (see: that time she promoted Cake on The Dr. Oz Show), it doesn’t look like it really bothered her that much that she lost to Julianne Moore, because Jennifer Aniston truly is everyone’s no-fucks-given aunt.
First off, she arrived with the right attitude: be drunk and stay drunk, which she proved by grabbing Kate Hudson’s ass on the red carpet. Then she remained totally unfazed as she presented an award with America’s Current Lizard Sweetheart, Benedict Cumberbatch. That bitch was so chill, I bet that when she lost, she turned to Justin Theroux and was like “Well, that’s that. I’m going to the bathroom to take off my Spanx. Watch my purse, will ya?” Even when she was waiting for her ride at the end of the night, this TMZ video proves she was still a buzzed ball of fun:
As if calling someone a “fucker” wasn’t enough to win my heart for eternity, she was also dressed like the coolest girl at my high school prom: tits covered in sequins, thigh-high slit, wearing some random rented cummerbund she found on the floor of a limo, and her hair done up in a french twist with one single face-framing strand that she styled in the bathroom using a flask of Malibu. Basically = the coolest.
Here’s more of Jennifer Aniston, as well as a bunch of other well-dressed types last night, like Emma Stone wearing pants and a fancy tube top and Naomi Watts wearing a diamond snake: