For those of you watch TLC’s Little People, Big World, you’re probably making the same “….and?” face you’d make if I told you that water is wet, the sky is blue and Valtrex sends Lindsay Lohan a commission check every month for bringing them new users. Matt and Amy Roloff’s marriage seemed about as shaky as a mammogram machine that’s got one of Aretha Franklin’s 8th world wonder titties on it. When Amy wasn’t yanking at his nuts, he was being a dick to her. The Roloff’s marriage has most likely been in a coffin for a while, but they’re telling the public now, because their split is featured in a special airing on TLC later this month. Amy and Matt gave this statement to People:

“Though we have weathered many storms together, we recently made the tough decision to engage in a trial separation. Matt remains living on the farm in our guest house and we work together everyday on the farm, on our business endeavors and most importantly, raising our amazing children.”

Matt and Amy have 5 kids together including 20-year-old Molly, 17-year-old Jacob and 23-year-old twins Jeremy and Zack.

We all know what’s going to happen next since we’ve all seen this movie before (see: Jon & Kate). Matt is going to go wild, get himself a pussy pad in NYC, cover his body with the finest couture that Ed Hardy has to offer and he’ll star in a sex tape with one of Miley Cyrus’ back-up dancers before he gets another DUI and then moves into a cabin deep in the woods. (And no, I am not here for your Keebler Elves jokes.)

Pic: Facebook

If you’re the one who once said a prayer to the universe to please gift us with pictures of a weaved-up, furry Jake Gyllenhaal baring his hot Hank Hill ass and wearing a taped down cock curtain while banging a pan in Rome, we all owe you a thank you. Yes, I’ll take Jake looking like he’s playing Jesus in Brokeback Nazareth  – Lainey Gossip

Does this mean Lena Dunham will never fulfill her destiny of starring in a live-action version of the Little Critter movie? – The Superficial

When you tell Mindy Kaling she needs more diversity in her cast, she’ll plug her eyes and say, “nananananana I’m a fucking Indian woman with my own show nananna” – Celebitchy

Is Miley Cyrus looking for her missing ass in Amazon Ashley’s tits? – Drunken Stepfather

The real truth is that JLo wouldn’t save anyone, because she doesn’t want to ruin her gel manicure by putting her hands in all that damn saltwater – Jezebel

Okay, but why does Nicki Minaj’s outfit looks like an 80s businesswoman’s jogging suit? – Hollywood Tuna

Hodor from Game of Thrones is gay and yes, yes I would – Towleroad

The trailer for the new season of Scenes From A Wax Museum Fire (copyright: Tina Fey) is here – Reality Tea

Julianne Hough kind of looks like a prettier Derek Hough now. Trying to get Ryan Seacrest back, I see… – Popoholic

The Louisiana Trailer Park Flower that is Brit Brit once again ruins an exquisitely elegant ensemble with UGGs – IDLYITW

Juliette Lewis says she’s quit all the bullshit and yet she’s still got a Scientology membership card in her wallet – ICYDK

Dear #24, John Travolta wishes he had your problems – The Berry

The shit us humans do with our time on Earth never ceases to amaze me – Tosh.0

Nicki Minaj spends her vacation doing what Nicki Minaj always does, even when she’s not on vacation – HuffPo

Real love is being able to sniff your piece’s pits while you’re standing and posing for a picture together – Popsugar

It’s pretty fitting that the Vladimir Pootin butt plug looks constipated – OMG Blog

Only Tilda Swinton can wear a Santa Fe’s grandmother’s throw rug and pull it off – Just Jared

Shouldn’t they temporarily change the title to 3 Broke Girls? – Celebslam

Pic: Wenn.com

You probably read that headline and thought to yourself, “Alec Baldwin must be stopped!”

If that legendary video from last December of a Not The One Pussy busting some Mortal Kombat shit on the asshole who kicked him taught us anything, it’s that you should never kick a cat unless you want to end up on the local news after it makes you its bitch. Teresa Barker and her boyfriend Lee Palmer of Portland, Oregon learned this the hard way on Sunday night when their crazed cat Lux held them hostage in their bedroom after Lee kicked that pussy (that’s called pulling a Michael Lohan) for attacking their 7-month-old baby Jesse.

Lee Palmer later told the police and WBTV that he watched Lux come at and scratch Baby Jesse, but he didn’t say why Lux attacked his baby. Is Baby Jesse a genius who can read the minds of cats and knew Lux was planning to overthrow the household? Did Baby Lux have that hussy’s number? Was Lux pissed that he was no longer the star of the house? We’ll never know until Baby Jesse learns how to talk and tells us what really happened in a follow-up to this highly important story in 3 years. We better get a follow up to this highly important story in 3 years.

After Lee watched Lux scratch his baby, he “kicked the cat in the rear.” SHOTS FIRED! That was the beginning of the end for the Palmer-Barker family. Getting kicked in the ass sent Lux over the edge and rage filled that 22lb pussy (“Why do I feel like I’ve written that down in a patient’s file before?” – Lil’ Kim’s gynecologist). Lux was out for human blood, so Lee Palmer, Teresa Barker (based on her last name, she’s obviously a natural born dog lover), Baby Jesse and their little dog barricaded themselves in the bedroom as that mad pussy tried to get in. They called 911 and the call is why I laughed myself awake this morning when I heard it.

The fluent felinese speakers out there can correct me if I’m wrong, but “RAAAAAARRRRRRRR!” translates to “I’m the captain now!” in English, right?

The cops arrived and when they tried to catch Lux, who has a “history of violence,” with a dog snare, that pussy tried to flee custody. They eventually got him and put him behind bars in the family’s home. The family doesn’t know whether or not they’re going to keep Lux.

Oh, they’ll never have to make that decision. It’s only a matter of time before Lux escapes out of his crate, puts on a beret and joins the other cat comrades in the Pussy Takeover Movement. Captain Lux and the other cats who are sick of us humans controlling everything will one day strike and make us all their slaves. We should prepare by buying all of the laser pointers at Staples. It’s going to be a vicious, vicious battle. It’s going to be a little adorable too, but mostly vicious.

The HBO GO buffering wheel of doom, which spun and spun and spun until True Detective watchers went crazy, blacked out and woke up in a cluttered office where they mumbled out garbled words no one could understand while surrounded by empty cans of Lone Star beer. (Side note: That computer monitor really should’ve been HSOTD today.)

If you heard your neighbor scream, “JUST KILL ME,” last night, you probably figured that they were in the middle of watching Lindsay Lohan go through #lindsaylohanproblems (examples: finding a multi-million dollar SoHo apartment to rent with OWN’s money, dealing with the paparazzi she called, etc…) on Lindsay. But I’m guessing they were losing their minds over that other show about a deranged psychopath who has no sympathy for other humans. The season finale for True Detective happened last night for everyone who watches it on regular HBO and steals that shit from torrents, but it didn’t really happen for hos who watch it on HBO GO.

HBO GO couldn’t handle all the people trying to watch the True Detective finale last night and when the system broke, so did the souls and sanity of those who just wanted to know who the goddamn the Yellow King (“Hey, that’s what Kim used to call me!” – Ray J) is. People screamed about it on Twitter and I haven’t seen hos get this upset over a black hole since Backdoor Farrah’s porn. HBO tweeted out a sowwy, but apologies are cheap to the people who had to awkwardly call the friend they haven’t talked in forever to ask if they changed their HBO GO password.

I didn’t watch last night’s finale, because I’m 2 episodes behind, so don’t tell me who the Yellow King is. But it’s totally the endless pee stream that the Texas T-Rex pissed out from drinking all that damn beer, right?

Seen above giving me a visual interpretation of my Sunday hangover, the mutated crack pipe-induced mouth blister Charlie Sheen is once again making his co-workers contemplate breaking into his trailer to soothe their splintered nerves by stealing and smoking his stash of crack. The Hollywood Reporter brings us the shocking and surprising news that working with Charlie Sheen is as good for your blood pressure as going to Ikea on a Saturday afternoon is. No, I’m still not over that shit.

A source tells THR that Charlie has missed a few days of shooting on his show Anger Management and it’s screwing with the schedule. They somehow made it two thirds of the way through their 100-episode order, but the show’s studio Lionsgate still had to push shooting past what they had planned and some scenes have been shot with Charlie Sheen stand-ins (a Charlie Sheen stand-in either looks like this or this). The cast is pissed and telling the producers that they’re going to stop showing up for work if Charlie Sheen keeps no-showing. But Charlie’s spokeswhore says that THR’s source is a liar and the show hasn’t used stand-ins.

A Lionsgate spokesperson declined to comment on the situation. Sheen’s publicist, Jeff Ballard, denies that the show has used stand-ins or shot around the actor. “We did not shoot last week because another member of the cast was sick,” the rep tells THR. “Charlie is always ready, willing and able to shoot Anger Management and looks forward to returning on Monday.”

What’s really shocking about this whole thing is that Charlie Sheen managed to shoot over 60 episodes of that wreck without having to use all his “sick” and “mental health” days because he was arrested after the cops found 4 dead hookers in his trailer. Ray Donovan is real and pays a visit to the Anger Management set at least every other day. But what does the cast of Anger Management expect?! Did Selma Blair not teach them anything?! When you sign up for a Charlie Sheen show, there’s a 100% chance you’ll inhale second-hand crack smoke at least once a day and there’s an even bigger chance that Charlie Sheen will declare a snow day a few times a month and by “snow day” I mean he’s too coked up to come in.

Lindsay Lohan was on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon last night to promote her reality show masquerading as a serious documentary Lindsay: I’m Just Doing This For The Check and she says she’s really spiritual right now (read: gets all her coke blessed), is ready for a Mean Girls reunion and spoke like a true reality trick when she said that of course the producers picked the messiest time in her life to film her. After she dribbled out the same ole’ same ole’, Jimmy and LiLo sat down for a game of water war, where they threw cups of water at each other’s faces for 4 minutes. Some of you probably figured that one day you’d see a video of LiLo getting splashed in the face over and over again, but this is not what you were thinking of. And I know what’s really going on here. This is the health department and Jimmy Fallon’s ingenious way to get LiLo to take a shower. Well played, health department.