Dear Barnaby Joyce: Johnny Depp Will Kick Your Ass If Amber Heard Is Sent To Prison

September 12, 2015 / Posted by:

Despite the fact that he looks like a human bag of weed 99.9% of the time, Johnny Depp is raging like The Hulk under all those chill dad hobo hipster layers. Johnny is super pissed that Australia charged his mid-life-crisis wife Amber Heard with aggravated Yorkie smuggling, and now he’s ready to fight for his love! Or at least whoop a trick so he can join her in prison. In the event you need an “Uh…what?” face, Johnny is giving them out for free above.

It all started during an appearance on Jimmy Kimmel Live! this week, when Johnny was asked about this ongoing mess with his Yorkies, Boo and Pistol. But specifically his thoughts/feelings about Australian Agricultural Minister Barnaby Joyce, aka the guy who threatened Boo and Pistol with a trip to the rainbow bridge. Shocking to absolutely no one, Johnny Depp – who recently joked that Barnaby Joyce ordered him to kill and eat his dogs – doesn’t like Barnaby Joyce. So Jimmy Kimmel and Johnny did a little Beavis and Butt-head thing where they lolled at a couple clips from a press conference Baranby gave regarding Johnny’s dogs before Johnny pulled out his 4th grade burn generator and called him a “weird, sweaty gut man.

Then Jimmy brought up the fact that Amber might be looking at some jail time for her involvement in Yorkiegate, and Johnny got all serious. Apparently Johnny Depp is a true ride-or-die bitch who will follow his to prison.

“If they should, if they did that, I’d just fly to Australia and assault that man, so that I could go.”

Yeah, something tells me that they don’t put the lady dog smugglers in the same cell block as dudes who go all Sean Penn on elected officials. If you’ve ever wondered what it would look like if the Sorting Hat from Harry Potter went through a badass phase, it happens around the 3:35 mark.

I know Johnny is trying to be the hero or whatever here, but what he doesn’t realize is that following Amber to the big house is literally the least heroic thing he could do for her. First of all, who will bring Boo and Pistol to see mommy on visitation days? Second, when you’re locked up on the inside, you need someone on the outside you can count on to smuggle in shit during visitation. Like a waterproof eyeliner pencil to draw a teardrop on her face and the words BOO and PSTL on her knuckles. You know, so she can fit in with the rest of the wealthy teacup lapdog smugglers.

Of course, I’m just assuming that Johnny’s assault would involve a beat-down of Barnaby Joyce, but he never actually says he would get physical. Maybe the “assault” would be mental. Can you go to jail for forcing someone to watch Mortdecai?

Here’s Johnny Depp on his way in to Jimmy Kimmel Live! last week, and yes, he’s still working that gross red tooth insert thing.


Our commenting rules are pretty simple: If you make any overly offensive comment (racist, bigoted, etc..) or go way off topic when not in an Open Post, your comments will be deleted and you will be banned. If you see an offensive or spammy comment you think should be deleted, flag it for the mods and they'll be forever grateful and give you their first born (although, you probably don't want that).

alt="drupal analytics" >