Open Post: Hosted By Johnny Depp At The Venice Film Festival

September 4, 2015 / Posted by:

The movie that Sienna Miller was WRONGLY cut out of (I can’t even type its name) is premiering at the Venice Film Festival and so Johnny Depp, the human embodiment of a 2-day-old cold Pumpkin Spice Latte Dakota Johnson, Joel Edgerton and director Scott Cooper came out to sell that shit.

It’s strange that Johnny Depp was actually able to walk and pose for photographers, because I didn’t think he could function without a million scarves draped around his neck and a thousand Santa Fe gift shop bracelets on his wrists. I thought scarves and bracelets were his life blood, but I guess not. As the entire scarf industry shook with fear over their future, Johnny Depp worked it while dressed like a grandpa going to play dominos in the park with his friends. Yes, Johnny’s mop was more greased up than a horny memaw’s pussy, but he looked like he spent time in a shower and that’s progress.

At a press conference for the movie, one of the reporters asked Johnny about the most famous members of the Depp family, Boo and Pistol, and he joked that he killed them and ate them under direct orders of some “sweaty, big-gutted man from Australia.” Johnny, of course, was making fun of his dogs getting deported from Australia because he broke the law and brought them in illegally. Lap up the smugness at the 1:53:

THIS BITCH. Along with that charbroiled Yorkie, Johnny should’ve eaten a side of Get A Fucking Clue and washed it down with a cup of Shut The Hell Up. Amber Heard better search the Internet for how to cook Australian prison mice using the sunshine beaming through her jailhouse window, because thanks to Johnny’s little joke, that “sweaty, big-gutted man from Australiais totally going to take it out on her and make sure she gets locked up for a long ass time. (Yeah, right.)


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