Colin Egglesfield Is Helping Malin Akerman Hump Away Her Divorce Sads

When it was announced back in December that Malin Akerman’s husband had gifted her with an early Christmas present by stuffing her stocking with divorce papers, I made a little bet with myself to see if her rebound would be another dude who looks like the Guitar Centre version of Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Well, it looks like I owe myself $10, because according to People she’s rubbing her hotness all over Colin Egglesfield. I know, by some divine miracle, two hot people found each other. Praise Dorito Jesus. Not much is known about their relationship so far, but a source tells People:

“They’re getting to know each other. They’re taking it slow.”

Someone hand me the smelling salts, I believe I got the vapors from reading that insanely graphic, sexually explicit description of the raw sexual tension between Malin and Colin. I hope there were no children in the room when you read that, because that was raunchy. I can almost picture them “sensually kissing”.

I knew nothing about Colin Egglesfield before today (I literally pictured a Colin-looking dude twirling in slow-motion through a field of scrambled eggs) and after staring at his Wikipedia page for 10 minutes, I know more than I need to. Colin Field-of-Eggs was born in Michigan. Colin Field-of-Eggs used to be a model (brb must do research with Michael K). Colin Field-of-Eggs is on Rizzoli & Isles. Colin Field-of-Eggs sort of looks like if Derek Zoolander fucked a turtle. But most importantly, he was on the Melrose Place reboot, Law & Order: SVU, and Gilmore Girls, which gets an eggs benedict-scented thumbs up from me.

Katy Perry Has Moved On From Riff Raff And Might Be Doing Diplo Now

Regardless of whether or not you’re a religious person, you should probably slap your hands together and bust out a prayer for the freon-huffing grill-wearing Florida bedbug, Riff Raff, because he is going to be absolutely devastated when he hears that the love of his life has moved on to douchier pastures. If anyone needs your thoughts and prayers today, it’s him. I mean, he needs them anyways, because his life is a fucking mess, but today he’s really going to need them.

According to Page Six, Katy Perry has given us yet another square to block off on our Oh, Here We Go bingo cards by hooking up with DJ/producer Diplo. The two were seen (don’t do it, Allison) CANOODLING backstage at Coachella, with a source saying:

“It was very obvious that Katy and Diplo were together. They seemed inseparable and at one point they were seen getting onto her bus together.”

Getting on a bus together? Slow down, sluts!

I’m sure Diplo is a very nice person, and I’m not making fun of him per-se, but I think we can all agree that DJs are pretty high on the douche spectrum. With that being said, I shouldn’t be surprised that Katy is currently rubbing her dark horse parts on Diplo; ever since she split with The Douchebag King, she’s been trying to fill the douche-scented hole he left in her heart, and there’s no more concentrated form of douche than a guy who gets paid millions of dollars to press buttons on an iPod.

Naomi Campbell Might Be Bumping Her Bitchy Bits Against Michael Fassbender

It was my understanding that Naomi Campbell’s snatch didn’t get out of bed for anything less than the $10,000 dick of a billionaire, but it appears that even the clickety-clackiest of gold digging can’t resist the siren sound of Michael Fassbender’s trouser kraken. According to The Sun (via The Daily Mail) Naomi has downgraded in the dollar department but upgraded in the dick department (“Where might I find this wonderful department store you speak of?” – MK) because she might be hooking up with The Hammaconda’s huskier German cousin, Das Assbender, after the two were caught “canoodling” (not my words, never my words):

A showbiz insider told the paper that the pair were in a cordoned-off area within the members area of the restaurant which gave them plenty of privacy but the pair didn’t mind being seen together and were being openly affectionate towards one another.

“At one point they ever started snogging” the source reveals.

First canoodling, then snogging?? Let me guess what happened next: those two randy slappers shagged in the toilets like horny corgis while the Queen waved to them from Buckingham Palace.

Normally I’d advise anyone thinking of sticking their fuck parts in Naomi to reconsider, because there’s no bitch like a crazy bitch and Naomi wrote the book on crazy bitching at an expert level. But I think Fassbender can handle himself. Anytime she goes to throw a phone at him, he can use that giant dick of his like a cricket bat and swat them away, and if his dick ever wants a break from the crazy it could always put on a Vivienne Westwood heel and scare her ass away for a bit.

It’s Official: You Can Start Ordering Monogrammed Towels For RiRi And Wheelchair Jimmy

It worked, Wheelchair Jimmy! Your 15-song love letter to Rihanna worked! Now she’ll have to go to the prom with you! Oh, it’s just like Pretty in Pink; except in this version Andie chooses Duckie, and Blane’s a dumb fuck-up who ends up in prison.

Everyone in Canada is popping bottles of sparkling maple syrup this morning, because they’re one step closer to having their very own Princess (not so fast, Avril Lavigne; I said Princess, not Hot Topic laundry pile goblin). TMZ says that RiRi’s Barbadian water balloon butt is only grinding against Wheelchair Jimmy these days, and if a crazy slut like RiRi is cutting off all other crotches to grind on, it must be serious.

Multiple sources extremely close to the couple tell us, Rihanna and Drake have gone from casually hooking up to seriously dating … they’ve decided to give it a serious shot.

We’re told Rihanna wants to spend as much time with Drake as her schedule will allow — because he treats her better than anyone she’s ever been with.

As for Drake, he’s smitten — one source said “he’s in the best mood he’s been in a long time.”

Wheelchair Jimmy is following that smear of rancid dick cheese Chris Brown, so saying that he treats RiRi better than anyone else isn’t exactly saying much. He could repeatedly roll over her foot with his wheelchair, hissing “Watch where you’re going, hag!” and he’d still be about a million times more chivalrous than what she’s used to.

I get major clinger vibes from Wheelchair Jimmy, and something tells me he’s waaaaay more into her that she is of him. He’s probably skipping around the house singing “Tonight” from West Side Story and adding a thousand pictures of wedding cakes to his Pinterest. Meanwhile, RiRi’s definition of commitment is that she’s considering letting him leave a toothbrush at her place, and texting all her side pieces: “Hey, I guess I got a man now, so no more butt stuff.” Regardless, mazel to them; they found love in a hopeless place (okay, I’ll stop).

Pics: Splash

Lupita Nyong’o Can’t Be Dating Jared Leto Because She’s Dating Rapper K’Naan Instead

I feel like we’re only a matter of time from a primetime gameshow called “Who’s Lupita Nyong’o Dating?” because everyone and their mom NEEDS TO KNOW who the Oscar winner is letting take her to Red Lobster (not a euphemism; actually meant Red Lobster). Personally, I’m just relieved she’s no longer linked to HPV Hipster Emo Jesus Jared Leto.

According to the Daily Mail, rumours started to swirl around Lupita and Somali-Canadian rapper K’naan (government name: doesn’t matter, all I can think about is dipping naan bread into butter chicken sauce) after K’naan was seen holding Lupita’s Oscar and hugging her outside of the Live! with Kelly and Michael studio. K’naan also Instagrammed a picture of the two of them in December but it’s just their teeth, so that could mean they’re dating or just that they’re in some Dental Appreciation Club. But I’m going to choose to believe they’re dating because as far as Canadian rappers go, Lupita picked a good one. The heirachy is as follows:

Drake
K’naan
Maestro Fresh-Wes
J-Roc from Trailer Park Boys
Tom Green that time he had a rap career
And if you’re into a dude who can get you day-old donuts at the end of his shift at Tim Hortons, Snow

I like these two together; the nerd in me enjoys that “Nyong’o K’naan” sounds like the name of an over-it Klingon waitress from the nice Sizzler on Rigel V. Mazel you two! Mazel for as long as it takes before someone catches Lupita high-fiving Jake Gyllenhaal or photo-bombing Adam Driver, and K’naan is given the boot from “Who’s Lupita Nyong’o Dating?” (so…what do we think? About 24-hours?)

Wheelchair Jimmy Let RiRi Grind On His Emergency Brake Last Night

Wheelchair Jimmy, aka Ms. Drake if you’re nasty, sort-of confirmed that Rihanna is, in fact, rolling up on his drake-snake last night at his concert at the Palais Omnisports de Paris Bercy (fun fact: I was able to say that correctly, but I still have trouble pronouncing Teresa Giudice’s last name). Shortly after Drake brought RiRi up on stage to sing Take Care, the two started acting like that gross couple from high school who used to dry hump between classes at their shared locker. The way Drake and RiRi react to each other says so much about their personalities: Ovaltine’s Very Own leans in to give her some bland-ass butterfly kisses like a Duggar kid on their wedding night, and RiRi responds by pressing her Barbadian blunt-hunter butt up on his crotch like her ass has got an itchy rash and his dick is a tube of Gold Bond.

Nothing about these two make any sense to me. Half the pictures I see of Drake it looks like he’d rather be at home under a home-made afghan watching DVDs of Gilmore Girls. And RiRi always looks like she’s about two seconds away from asking someone: “Do you wanna see a magic trick? I bet I can make ya dick disappear.” Or maybe I’ve got it all wrong and Wheelchair Jimmy is a real freak in the sheets; it’s always the quiet ones, right? Aaaand I just shuddered in disgust so hard I dislocated my shoulders from imaging Drake role-playing with RiRi: “Let’s play a game called Degrassi: The Next Penetration. You can call me the guy who shoots Jimmy Brooks, cause I’m gonna blast you with my semen and paralyze you from the waist down.” Oh boy, Jesus take the wheelchair.