Who needs Gatorade or menudo or IV drip therapy when you’ve got a bitchy verbal slap from Dustin Lance Black to temporarily cure your hangover. When I pulled my post-Oscar hungover carcass out of bed this morning, I was fully ready to get my mashed-up brains sort of working again by freebasing, butt chugging and guzzling coffee at the same time. But I didn’t need to do that, because Dustin Lance Black telling Sam Smith to step off his man on Twitter, pulled me out of my hangover haze for a minute.
For those of you who don’t know or forgot, the “newspaper” is sort of like the Internet except it’s on paper, they don’t have GIFs and if you write a comment like, “N1 CURRz, NEXT,” under an article, only you can see that comment. I know, fuck newspapers. But evidently, people still use them for stuff including announcing that they’re getting married.
Tom Daley is 21 years old, so I’m shocked that he knows what a newspaper is. But he does and he used The Times to announce that he’s marrying his 41-year-old man of 2 years, Oscar-winning screenwriter Dustin Lance Black. This is their old-fashioned and classy announcement which showed up in this morning’s Times:
I really hope announcing your engagement in a newspaper doesn’t become a thing, because I really, really love it when a couple announces their engagement in an annoying YouTube video.
Tom’s mom Debbie Daley also talked about her son’s engagement with the Plymouth Herald and she says they’re not going to get married until after the Olympics:
“The whole family is extremely excited and looking forward to the big day. They are going to wait until after the Olympic Games in Rio before they decide on the date of the wedding and where they want to marry. At the moment he is training in Stratford and focusing on competitions to prepare for Rio at the start of August. Training has always come first for him. Once Rio is out of the way, they will properly plan the wedding.”
Tom and DLB started dating when Tom was 19 years old. DLB is Tom’s first boyfriend ever. Tom must be one of those “old souls” people talk about and DLB must be one of those “young souls,” so they balance each other out. I could never date someone 20 years younger than me, because 1. It’d be highly illegal and; 2. I’m already an immature wreck and 2 immature wrecks in a relationship do not make a right. I also couldn’t imagine getting married at 21, because when I was 21, the only thing I wanted to get engaged to was a new dick every night. I wanted to put a ring on it alright and by “ring” I mean “butt ring” and by “it” I mean a new peen. Okay, I’ll stop before I really ruin this happy news. Anyway, congrats! And here’s the future Mr. and Mr. Daley-Black at the annual Pride of Britain Awards in London a few nights ago.
In “the true definition of a humblebrag” news, ripped water twink Tom Daley tells James Corden during an interview for The Sun (via DS) that ever since he let it be known that he loves dick on his tongue, hos have been throwing their peens at him left and right. If life was Grindr, Tom Daley’s screen would be covered in nothing but red dots. Everybody wants that waxed otter ass. When Tom walks outside of his house, dicks fall from the sky and there’s an open field of peens in front of him for him to throw that boy pussy on.
“Yeah, it does happen quite often. You do get some people who just come up to you and offer it there and then. Like literally. Some people come up to me and say, ‘Do you want to go back?’ And I’m like, ‘What do you mean? The whole reason I did this was because I have a boyfriend’.”
This twink… Tom Daley has been to the Olympics, has the looks of a Bel Ami power bottom, has more hard abs than he knows what to do with, is dating the dude who wrote Leche and now we know that he can pull in dick without even trying. I, for one, am not jealous at all, because I get hit on all the time and by “all the time” I mean never and by “hit on” I mean some 60-something bald dude who was built like Lena Dunham and was wearing cargo capris approached me in the refrigerator section of a Gelson’s supermarket and asked me if I was from around there. Just when I started to think that an actual human with semi-working genitals was hitting one me, he goes, “Oh, because this store doesn’t have my usual brand of soy milk and I’m wondering if there’s a Trader Joe’s nearby.” Leave it to a soy milk-drinking pepaw in cargo capris to crush my spirit.
In the year 2014, you aren’t officially officially fucking full-time until you’ve Instagrammed your couples portrait, so I guess this means that humanized twink dolphin Tom Daley and Dustin Lance Black are officially officially doing things that Phil Robertson regularly thinks about in detail. Tom and DLB (possible couple name: ToDu) followed up their natural, impromptu and not-at-all choreographed photo shoot in Texas with this picture of them looking like a cartoon Peter Pan and Voldemort in a Muggle disguise while having dinner at a fancy restaurant in London after the taping of the first episode of the UK version of that reality show Splash, which Tom’s a judge on. You know it’s a fancy restaurant, because they have lamps on the table. You also know it’s a fancy restaurant, because Tom said on Instagram that he had the beef wellington and only the fanciest of fancy restaurants have beef wellington on the kid’s menu. I would say that Tom saying he loves beef wellington means that Dustin Lance Black is uncut, but anybody who has seen DLB’s fuck pics knows that’s not true.
And after dinner, Tom and DLB went to G-A-Y where Tom posed for pictures with the club’s owner and a dog who is either drunk as fuck or mortified that it’s getting photographed while wearing a dirty terry cloth vest.
Just Jared got the first EXCLUSIVO pictures of 39-year-old screenwriting chickenhawk Dustin Lance Black and his 19-year-old diving pedacito Tom Daley hanging out together as a couple. Twinkie Tom is currently training for the 2016 Olympics in Houston, Texas and DLB was with him as he left the University of Houston diving center yesterday. These pictures are about as natural and candid as Kim Kardashian’s entire life. I’m not being sarcastic (yes, that’s possible, I think) when I say that I am so happy that a gay couple has starred in a totally staged photo-op that required rehearsals, a stage manager, a team of stylists, a body language coach, craft services, stage tape for marking, a few teamsters, stand-ins, a lighting crew, a couple of drones and a cinematographer. I think Tom Daley got his SAG card from this photo shoot. This photo shoot had a bigger budget than DLB’s last movie.
A gay couple is finally showing LeAnn Rimes & Eddie Cibrian and Heidi Montag & Spencer Pratt how a choreographed photo-op is really done. Tom and DLB kept it simple, coordinated their ensembles and gave us a Photoshop-able picture of DLB sucking on Tom’s straw. We really have come so far!
With all that being said, this photo shoot only gets a B+ from me. I cannot give it an A because of two words: iPhone prints. Those iPhone prints look like brick-shaped leg tumors. Peen prints in a photo-op are always okay, but iPhone prints in a photo-op are NEVER okay
Tom Daley and Dustin Lance Black have both kept their mouth lips shut about whether or not they’re boning each other, but Tom did talk about his new boyfriend on an episode of Jonathan Ross Show (via E!) airing in the UK on Saturday. I thank the fuck that I was too lazy at 19 to keep a journal, because the shit that I wrote would’ve been a million times cheesier than the words that spilled out of this hairless muscle otter’s mouth while talking about meeting his new love. Tom said that when he first saw his future piece at a party, he didn’t know he was gay and immediately started squirting out hearts from his eyes.
“I’d never felt like anything like it before. We were at a party and I hadn’t even spoken to him all night. I didn’t know what to do or if he was gay at first. I typed ‘call me’ in his notes with a smiley face on this phone and the next day he texted. He makes me feel safe and happy. Right now I couldn’t be happier. I’d never felt the feeling of love. It happened so quickly. I was completely overwhelmed by it to the point I can’t get him out of my head all the time. I’ve never had it before where I love someone and they love me just as much.”
Oh, 19. Or if your name is Taylor Swift, oh, every age. Speaking of Taylor Swift, she just ripped a page out of the Poochie notebook she writes her lyrics in, because what Tom said there is exactly what she wrote down as the lyrics to her next song. Even that part about not knowing if he was gay at first, because even Taylor Swift knows she’s a closet gay magnet.
Tom went on to say that when he goes to the labels section at Staples and browses through all the “Hello, I Am Gay,” “Hello, I Am Straight” and “Hello, I Am Bi” labels, he doesn’t pick up any of them, because he doesn’t believe in labels! But he does believe in love and he said more vommy words of love about his man.
“He saved me from not wanting to dive anymore. After the Olympics I was down in the dumps, as it’s such a hard way to get back into everything, but he gave me the extra motivation and made me work harder and that is exactly what I need. It was a terrifying decision to make, I didn’t know what the reaction was going to be like, I didn’t know how it was going to go but I felt I needed to say something. I wanted to say something in my own words and from the heart, I didn’t know what else to do.”
Tom Daley was totally over diving until Dustin Lance Black put the champion spirit back in his heart by spreading those ass cheeks and calling him the greatest diver who ever lived as he dove his peen into that b-hole. (Yes, I just called Tom Daley a top again. What is going on with me?!) Some people have serious thoughts about this. They think that because DLB is 39 and Tom is 19, DLB is nothing but a chickenhawk in Justin Bieber 2010 hair who is going to toss Tom Daley into a pile of de-creamed twinks as soon as that kid grows his second pube. I say second because the first one could be a one-off. And those same people are scared that DLB is going to suck out Tom’s innocence. Whatever. I mean, isn’t doing older dudes at 19 all part of life? Who at 19 didn’t troll hotel bars looking for older men to take you up to their room and let you pick out any booze of bottle you wanted from the minibar? Anybody? Anybody? Oh shit, just me then.
Here’s Tom going to dinner with his friends in London last night.