Too Easy, LeAnn, TOO Easy

via Twitter (Thanks, Becca!)

Too Easy: Khloe & Lamar Break A Sex Swing

On last night’s Khloe & Lamar, Khloe Kong tried to spice up their sex life (aka spice up her boring shit show) by turning her brother’s old room into a Sasquatch mating cave complete with a sex swing hanging over the bed. Khloe lured her husband Lamar Odom onto the swing by secreting musky aphrodisiacal fumes (smells like boiled boar meat, tears from a human man, cow piss and wet tree bark) from her gulch. Anybody who has ever seen a Yeti and a Wookie bump fuck parts on a hammock knows what happened next. The chains broke, the ceiling caved in and the sheer force created a suction tunnel that pulled down pieces of the sky. There’s a hole in heaven now, because Khloe & Lamar tried to hump on a swing!

Khloe learned the hard way that the next time she wants to screw Lamar in a swing, she should hire those people who pulled that injured elephant onto a truck. Also, there’s some motorboating action between Khloe & Lamar at the end of this mess, so you might want to hold onto your eyeballs so they don’t heave right out of their sockets.

via Buzzfeed

Too Easy: LeAnn Rimes Got Mouth Surgery

Seen here looking like a 45-year-old desperate divorced mother of two trying to pick up young meat at Spring Break in Daytona Beach, FL by luring them in with her really cool (served in a chilled tumbler of sarcasm) trucker hat, the Falcor of the south LeAnn Rimes forced some of her Twitter followers to issue an AMBER ALERT for her last week, because she wasn’t Tweeting every other damn second like she normally does. Some figured that maybe LeAnn’s loved ones finally did the right thing by staging a bikinivention before throwing her into rehab for a level three bikini addiction, but she neighed on Twitter yesterday that she had mouth and jaw surgery.

“K, coming clean….I had minor surgery this week and I’ve been in SO much pain it’s not even funny. Nothing major just annoying! Pain pain go away!!!!!! When it’s mouth pain and jaw pain it makes your whole head pound! YUCK.”

It’s nice to know that LeAnn has found a way to Tweet and wear a bikini through the pain. And I’m sure as she typed “it’s not even funny,” Brand Glanville laughed until silicone leaked out of her nipples at the image of Malibu’s finest horse doctor taking a scalpel to LeAnn’s mouth. So, it is funny to some, LeAnn. And I know you were hoping that by “mouth surgery”, I meant that LeAnn got her jaw wired shut, but no. I’m guessing that LeAnn just had her molars removed since she doesn’t eat solid foods anyway and it’ll make her lighter. WIN/WIN!

Here’s more of LeAnn in Malibu yesterday, side-boobing for the paps and doing butt sex with a bottle of sun tan lotion.

TOO EASY.

via HuffPo

QOTD: Kirstie Don’t Want No Hot Hot Man

I’m just going to drop this off and keep on going….

When asked about her dating life by Ellen DeGeneres, Alley, 60, admitted she usually goes for “psychos” and “players,” so the host suggested she try going with the opposite of what she’s attracted to.

“I’m thinking ugly men might be the solution,” the Dancing with the Stars alum responded. “I’m talking about butt ugly. Because I go for really handsome men and I think butt ugly would be appreciative.”

via CNN

Chicken Cutlets’ Glorious Return To The Pumpkin Patch As Told By Patton Oswalt

With a leased-for-the-hour child actor from central casting and a trunk full of Dollar Tree props in hand, international supermodel and Hot Slut of Every Year Phoebe Price returned to the Mr. Bones Pumpkin Patch in West Hollywood yesterday to show children of all ages that with zero shame and even less dignity they too can grow up to be the shiniest petal on the famewhore flower that brings all the paps to the yard.

As some families gourded their eyes out from not being able to stand seeing her stunning freckled beauty in the flesh, PP brought out her best Pirates of the Caribbeinbeautiful (Curse of the Freckled Oyster?) moves and comedian Patton Oswalt was one of the lucky few who got a front row seat. To say that Patton’s eyes were captivated by her scarecrow chichis and his heart was captured by her strong work ethic is an understatement greater than saying that PP’s complexion looks like chicken lasagna.

Patton narrated Chicken Cutlet’s borderline child abuse photo shoot at the pumpkin patch so I don’t have to:

Only PP can show the junior famewhores like Courtney Stodden how to really set fire to the pumpkin patch! And in doing so, PP just earned some quotes for her resume from a TV, movie and comedy star!

“…..star” – Patton Oswalt

“…dew-ey….treat” – Patton Oswalt

“‘sexy’ pirate…” – Patton Oswalt

“I DO want to….. pet…. her” – Patton Oswalt