Blohan & SamRo Are Taking A Break

I was looking for a picture to go with this post when I came across this wild dog chilling outside of SamRo’s house last night. It looks like Blohan isn’t the only wild beast stalking SamRo. This wild dog, who is probably just trying to get close to SamRo’s stash, seems totally over the cokey lezzie drama. Yawn with the dog, snort some Red Bull and then read on….

Blohan tells E! News that it’s true she has split up with her main labia licker after their pathetic weekend of tears, Twittering and twattery. She gave a brief little statement, “We are taking a brief break so I can focus on myself.”

That is a “Bitch got DUMPED!!!” statement if I ever read one. It’s nice that Blo has a sense of humor. I mean, “focus on herself.” What in the dick has she been focusing on for the past ten million years?! I don’t see her walking children in nature!

Blohan better get herself a new sponsor, because dealers don’t like it when you are more than 30-days late! Spread that snatch, because 8-balls don’t buy themselves!

Or she needs to stumble into the desert, declare to some strangers that she’s the daughter of God and then rebound from SamRo by marrying a cameraman with Dennis the Menace hair.

Image: Pacific Coast News

Like She Eats Cake!

The dehydrated human dildo known as SamRo uploaded this picture of a cokey cake to her Twitter, because she probably wanted to show Blohan what kind of shit she’s missing out on. It’s a good thing Blo wasn’t around, because she would’ve wasted that delicious cake by snorting it up one take.

And whoever gave SamRo this cake probably thought the only way to get her to eat something besides rotten pussay pie was to sprinkle a little of her favorite dust on top. Cakehead!

Source: Guest of a Guest VIA Jossip

Blohan Gets Locked Out

So it looks like Blohan is off the snatch which means every peen in Hollywood should be crawling up in between its owner’s ass cheeks to keep safe. Blohan might be back on the prowl after SamRo quit her crazy ass for good. SamRo really means it this time you guys, because she even changed the locks on her front door and everything!!!! Yeah, this must be SamRo’s first time dealing with a lunatic with nothing else better to do than find ways to break in. Changing the locks won’t do shit!! Blohan will squeeze her skanky bony ass through the air conditioning ducts if she really wants in.

Obviously, she didn’t, because she took her ass to the Chateau Marmont, where I’m pretty sure you can order the bad shit through room service. Blo was photographed there yesterday with The Curious Case of Ali Lohan and White Oprah. Oh, of course White Oprah was there. Blohan had a case of the lezzie sads and nothing makes her feel better like a bowl of her mom’s home-cooked Xanax soup. The paparazzi also caught Blo giving me a case of deja vu while riding up to her hotel early this morning.

At this point, some whore just needs to leave a trail of coke from the Chateau Marmont to Casa de Cheeto, so Daddy Spears can sort her the fuck out with his cheese grits. Because if some shit doesn’t happen, Blohan is going to go “shave your head” crazy. Although, the bitch kind of needs to shave her head since that weave is looking like something Kim Zolciak’s wig queefed out.

Blohan Is Not Wanted

Where are the paparazzi when you really need them, because last night a cracked out lizard tried to slither into a JcPenney party and got SHUT DOWN. That magical moment would been the perfect thing to play at parties especially since Blohan apparently tried to start a massacre and had to be held back by 5 bouncers. Oh, how you know she pulled out of one White Oprah’s favorite lines: “Do you know who I am?” They did know who she was and that’s why they denied the bitch.

You see, OK! Magazine says that the party was for Charlotte Ronson’s new fashion line for JcPenney. The whole Ronson family was there and SamRo specifically told the organizers not to let Hurricane Crackwhore through the doors. Sources say Blohan even knew she wasn’t supposed to show up, but like Tommy Girl to a peen, she just couldn’t help herself. Shit got so heated after Blohan got a stop sign at the door that she had to be “restrained from coming in by five security guards.”

Those five security guards are weak in the brains! You don’t even need to touch Blohan to get her to leave. Just walk down to the sidewalk, open up an 8-ball and sprinkle the goodness all over the floor. That cokeyeater would have feverishly sniffed up every last grain long after the party was over.

So I guess this mean that SamRo and Blohan are no longer partners in pussay for now. These two lezzies are like an Ambert Lambert performance. They are so fucking over-the-top!

Here’s some pictures from that JcPenney (HA! AGAIN!) shit last night. Maury Povo needs to pay Mark Ronson a little visit, because I still don’t believe he’s related to any of those turtle people.

Blohan Is Broke

Try not to look to surprised when the drugged-out, stringy homeless person begging for coins on the freeway off-ramp has a face that only White Oprah could love, because the NYDN says Blohan is broke as a joke. One of Blo’s friends said she’s living the American way by using her credit cards to pay for a bunch of her dumb shit. And when she’s not maxing out her plastic (Suze Orman just turned inside/out), she’s making her own personal Brandon Teena pick up the tab.

The only cash that is coming in are from personal appearances Blohan makes at clubs and that’s not cutting it. Her friend said, “She has no cash. The problem is, the money being spent is mostly Sam’s because Lindsay doesn’t really have any of her own at the moment; she’s really taken on the ‘man’ role in their romance. Sam really thinks Lindsay needs to learn how to become a recessionista and manage her money better.”

Blohan needs to learn that money doesn’t always sprout out of twats, even if she nibbles the clit a little. It’s time to make some changes. Instead of snorting up Colombia’s finest, she’s going to have to switch to huffing gas out of car gas tanks (it’s free!). Instead of Red Bull and Vodka, she’ll have to join the rest of us and drink Nikolai vodka and RC Cola in the parking lot before we go into the club. Instead of spending $800 on getting extensions, she’ll have to follow Parasite Hilton around and catch the tracks that come falling off her head.

Crash. Smash. Pink. Heart. BROKE. BITCH.

It’s Always A Misunderstanding!

The two rabid cokey beavers known as HoHan and SamRo apparently went to war today and it got so fucking messy that the cops had to be called. One of those coketards even broke a front window. Blohan probably flipped out because SamRo plugged the toilet trying to flush down the bad shit after the po po came a knocking. So SamRo’s favorite dildo went out the window!

The police rang the doorbell and expected to be asked in for tea and crumpets, but that shit didn’t happen. Those rude motherfuckers didn’t even answer. TMZ says that the cops were also trying to serve Blohan with the arrest warrant that was issued last night.

After ringing that shit for a while, the cops finally left SamRo’s front door, paced the driveway for a bit and finally quit that bitch. Word is that HoHan’s lawyer set her up with a court hearing on Monday morning to deal with fucking up her probation, so she probably won’t get arrested this weekend. But if HoHan even sticks one of her caca-covered toes out in public, she could end up in handcuffs. So if bitch is smart (which she isn’t) she’ll keep her face in SamRo’s hot bran muffin until Monday.

Blohan’s lawyer told People that the whole arrest warrant thing is just a misunderstanding and they’ll settle it in court on Monday. Her lawyer said: “Since her case was resolved, Ms. Lohan has been in compliance with all the terms and conditions of her probation and all orders of the court. The warrant issued on Friday was, in our view, born out of a misunderstanding which I am confident I can clear up next week.”

It’s always a misunderstanding with these stupid ass celebwhores. If it was one of us, that door would have been broken down and our asses would have been dragged out screaming about how it’s going to be massacuh if they don’t let us go! By midnight our lips would be on concrete and our asses would be in the air. Real fucking talk!