But It’s Fucking Balentine’s Day!

(The title is dedicated to my abuelita. It’s always Balentine’s Day to me.)

HoHan and SamRo can’t even stop fighting like a pair of mangy lezzie raccoons on the one where you’re not supposed to fight with the bitch who is sucking on your open-face roast beef sandwich (with swiss). Early this morning, those angry lezzies were at it again after leaving the Eldridge Lounge in NYC. They walked all the way to their hotel while screaming at each other and sucking on fag sticks. That’s what the pappies claim anyway.

They say HoHan sas yelling at SamRo, “I’m sorry! Forgive me!” The skank’s nose must have ate the last 8-ball. Or she accidentally ate a dick. One of those. These pieces of trash need to stop with that narcotic and pick up a bong instead. Make bong, not war. They are so fucking angry-like.

HoHan And SamRo Together Again

SamRo needs a change her diet of fags, Red Bull and bits of HoHan’s clitty litter, because she’s looking like one of the shriveled crotch worms that live under Skeletor’s nutsack. She’s the perfect shade of BEAT. She has a face that only a methadone clinic could love. She should take the hint and drop the bad fish. That shit is not good for her. SamRo needs a hot gayelle that will be a good influence on her. Too bad Clay Gayken isn’t single.

Anybeatdownlezzie, SamRo and HoHan were back together on the streets of Beverly Hills yesterday. There were many rumors flying around that they were no longer grinding their snatches in each other’s faces. It seems like shit is back on for now.

And if you live in the DC area, you better stock up on your choice narcotic, because these two are coming next week for Obama’s inauguration and they will clean the city out!!! Keep your drug drawer full and stay inside.

HoHan Can’t Get Enough Of The Penn

Last month, HoHan was spotted “nuzzling” on Sean Penn in NYC. I figured she was just trying to snort out a little sugah-covered booger chunk from his nose. Well, Ho and Penn were back together at Nobu in L.A. the other night. A nosy ho told Celebuzz (via P6), “Sean was the only guy at a table full of Lindsay and her friends. The whole table chatted and chain-smoked.”

Lily Allen was absolutely right. Coke isn’t one of Satan’s minions. It also brings people together. If it wasn’t for the candy dust, Ho and Penn might not be sharing laughs and fags at dinner. Can you imagine their conversation. Actually, there’s probably not a lot of talking going on. They just stare at each other, licking their lips, sniffing their noses and wiping their snot. Then they get up and go to the bathroom, come back, sit down, and do it all over again. I doubt they’re bumping it.

But if they were, what would their couple name me? I’m thinking HoPenn. Well, let’s drop the unnecessary n and put an e in its place where it rightfully belongs. HoPeen! Perfect.

Oh and what about that sad little lesbian SamRo? Page Six says that she really did end their shit, but HoHan is in denial. Some source said, “Sam broke up with Lindsay but she is completely in denial about it.”

When someone dumps your ass and you’re not ready to let go of their good sexin’ or their wallet, the best thing to do is pretend like it never happened. That way you can just skip on up and demand they lick your orgasm maker or give you some cash. If you whine and persist long enough, they’ll finally just give in to shut you up.

It’s Gross!

If you ever need a spokeswhore, hire HoHan, because her statements always sound like they were written by a 9-year-old girl (or me). When asked by Life & Style if it was true that she was no longer scissoring SamRo’s clam box, she said, “We didn’t break up. No. People need to stop creating drama, it’s gross.” Personally, I would’ve added an “Ewwwwww” and a “Shut up!”

The gross rumor HoHan is ewwwing about is that she’s moved out of SamRo’s house and their lezzietale romance has come to an end. Access Hollywood called it and so did TMZ.

Not only did HoHan gross about it with Life & Style, but she also went on her own blog to deny that shit, because it’s not like she’s doing anything else. She wrote:

RUMORS

little piece of TRUE information:

we did NOT break up!

access hollywood, extra, et, every tabloid, page six… AND every GOSSIP website. Get your stories straight please. It’s really annoying to have all of your friends emailing you saying, i saw, i read, etc… NOT TRUE

It’s gross. NOT TRUE. And the GOSSIP needs to stop. Got it?! Good. But wait. Do you think creating drama is gross when you leak it to the tabloids for extra coke cash? HoHan thinks not.

You know, I’m glad to hear they’re not breaking up, because this is not how it’s supposed to end! HoHan’s supposed to roll on Ecstasy, wander through rural Fresno, knock on a stranger’s door and tell them she’s the daughter of God. That’s how real fauxmosexuals end their lezzie relationships. I hope HoHan learned something from Anne Heche.

P.S. – The only thing gross about any of this is HoHan’s bi-color weave in that picture above.

The Lezzies Are Fighting

Here we go again. Somebody put the hose on these two gayelles. Or throw a coke dust-covered dildo in the corner to keep HoHan busy for a while. I swear. HoHan and SamRo are always fighting.. Everywhere. They should be finger jacking each other. Not fighting.

Page Six has been tracking HoHan and SamRo’s war battles in Miami. The first battle took place at Set in Miami with both of their families around? If White Oprah was in their presence, they should have join forces and attacked that whore instead of each other.

The real epic battle happened on New Year’s Eve at Mansion where they shared hosting duties. A witness said they started screaming out each other and the fight quickly moved to the back alley. Okay, this is what I like to hear. The source said, “It was a really gross alley. There was a bum eating a sandwich watching the whole thing. Lindsay was really unstable and flipping out.”

Gross?! The source doesn’t know true glamour when they see it. That sounds fucking hot. I always try to do all my fighting in back alleys with sandwich-eating bums serving as my audience. Add a song by Vanity 6 as the soundtrack and that shit right there would have been the most glamorous event of 2009.

When the two angry lezzies got back to their hotel at around 11am, they started bitch fighting! Several whores said they could hear the two trashing their room and that’s when they took the fight to the hallways. One source said, “They were punching each other – it was bad. And they were doing this in front of all of us. It was scary.”

Again, who are these sources? Scary?! That is far from scary. That is entertainment right there. Obviously, none of these witnesses own a camera phone. I would’ve been telling those two fightin’ dykes to smile and say “dental dam” for my camera while they were kicking each other in the bagina bone.

The source said at one point HoHan dropped to her knees and shouted “Why are you doing this to me?” SamRo responded, “I don’t know you.”

HAHAHAHAH! “I don’t know you” is the best line ever! That shit always works when you want to exude hardcore emotion. Just make sure your bottom lip is quivering and one tear is coming down your cheek just as you’re about to say “know you.” I think I’ve said that at least a million times. The last time was when my dry cleaner told me he raised the prices on slacks.

I bet you HoHan and SamRo were fighting over something really stupid. HoHan probably wanted to top just once and SamRo wasn’t going to share the strap-on.

Above is video from New Year’s Eve at Mansion of the two having words. The worst part of the clip is that SamRo is playing “Woomanizah.” This means that the song is back in my brain area for at least 48-hours. I just finished exorcising that shit out of my head by listening to The Facts of Life theme song over and over again. “Woomanizah” is back for more torture.

And here’s some pictures of HoHan looking a lot cheerier while vising a friend’s house yesterday. Her vagina must be pleased because she’s smiling!

Do Your Part: Hug A Sad Little Lesbian

If you’re ever walking down the street and spot a sad little gayelle, it’s your duty as a citizen of this planet to hug her like you would a 9″ peen. Because nobody wants to see lesbian with the sads. That’s exactly what HoHan did while she was having coffee with SamRo in some parking lot in Los Angeles the other day. And you know HoHan was thinking of 9″ peen. And SamRo sort of looks like a dirty peen with that black stocking cap, so this helped out HoHan even more.

Speaking of SamRo’s ensemble, does it mean that I’m turning lesbian because I think SamRo’s boots are kind of hot? Maybe I am turning lesbian, because I was really excited to go shopping at fucking Home Depot yesterday. If you see me get wet over The L-Word, immediately turn on a CeCe Peniston song to turn me gay again.

Here’s SamRo and HoHan hugging in a parking lot the other day. I also threw in some pictures of HoHan leaving the salon yesterday with a dude who has obviously been rifling through SamRo’s dirty laundry.