Every Layer Of Adorable

Even battery acid couldn’t rinse the film of YACK left on your eyes from seeing a decomposing sea turtle tongue wrestle with a turnpike hag, but these pictures of Ewan McGregor bike riding with a puppy in his basket might help. They’re adorable because: a) there’s a puppy in his basket and b) he’s dressed like he’s about to break into an acoustic version of “Seize the Day!”

I just hope that street is free of pot holes and out-of-control cars. Yeah, I really know how to ruin a cute shit moment.

Aniston. PUPPIES. CGI Babies. Double Rainbow.

In an Internet commercial for Agua Inteligente, Jennifer Aniston acts out one of her recurring dreams which features an endless amount of PUPPIES!, fake babies and soft-core hair porn. It really is like an Aniston dream! Puppies that keep your crotch warm and babies that you can turn off with the touch of an ESC button? It’s like heaven on Aniston’s earth. Although, I’m not sure if the babies in her dreams freak like 6th grades at a spring dance. That’s a story for Maddox to leak to the tabloids.

SmartWater’s whoring for hits video also features cameos by Keenan Cahill, Brad Wollack and Double Rainbow Dude. I’m guessing that SmartWater couldn’t afford Antoine Dodson’s minimum appearance fee. I’m also guessing that the Backin’ Up Backin’ Up Lady refused to participate, because she only drinks water if it’s cut with coffee and powdered cream.

via Lainey Gossip

At Least One Of Them Doesn’t Have Fleas

And that adorable dog friend’s face is totally saying: “I’ve gotta Frontline these bitches already.” Here’s Gollum’s second cousins happily frolicking through LAX yesterday as though the paps’ cameras were daisies and they were butterflies looking to sip on sweet nectar. But no, you’d cover your troll mug too if you just returned from Middle-earth where you had to crawl through the tundra and make coats out of Hobbit scalps in order to stay warm. Besides, a camera flash is just like the shine from a silver crucifix to the Olsens. It hardens their veins and makes their souls itch.

It’s not a big deal, though. Their dog is doing enough posing for all of them. That bitch is a star.

It’s The Puppy Bowl VII Starting Line-Up!

The sporting of event of the year is less than two weeks away and Animal Planet has released its starting line-up featuring hard bitches who aren’t afraid to hump a trick on the field or snot on their teammate’s fur. You know, just like that other less popular game.

All these damn PUPPIES!!! making PUPPY!!!! faces like they can’t to tackle their PUPPY!!! opponents during the PUPPY!!! bowl. You’re going to have to save up all your awwwwwws for next Sunday. You’ll be awwwwing the entire time. Well, almost the entire time. You’ll have to put your awwww on pause when they start sticking their noses in each other’s fur holes. Whenever that goes down at the dog park, I just turn around and softly hum a Sade song to give those bitches some ambiance.

Anyway, here’s a few pictures of the starting line-up. The rest are at Animal Planet.

Programming Note Brought To You By PUPPIES! PUPPIES! PUPPIES!

If you opened up a big moving present this Christmas hoping to find a furry bundle of adorableness and were slightly let down (but not really) when it turned out to be a box of fully charged vibrators instead, you can live vicariously through all these people who all got a PUPPY!!! for Jesus’ birfday. This video might make you softly bawl to yourself, especially if you think about all the ugly ass Christmas wrapping paper that exists on the planet. We all weep for ugly ass Christmas wrapping paper. And on that note…

Things will be extra slower than usual around these parts until next Monday, because my mom has decided to spend the holidays in NYC this year and so I have to take here around to see all that Christmas shit. And since it’s icier than the inside of a toilet after a Snow Miser bowel movement, we’re going to have so much fun cracking our ass bones on the snow-covered pavement while trying to take a picture of a stupid giant Christmas tree you can see from the comfort of your own browser. If only Swiss Miss made hot chocolate packets with extra Valium marshmallows.

via Gawker TV

Ashley Olsen Can Barely Carry Her Own Sacrifice

That is the terrified face of a dog who knows he’s only hours away from being chained up to a wooden slab under a lightning-filled sky so that the Olsens and their fellow vampire trolls can repeatedly chant “You got it dood” in between nibbling and spitting out pieces of his soul (never swallow…even souls have calories) to make themselves STRONGER!

Before boarding a flight to Voldemort’s castle, Ashley Olsen, who weighs about as much as Kimmy Gibler’s scrunchie, summoned the dark evil powers within to give her the strength to carry a fat dog through LAX last night. Hopefully, the poor dog was able to get away when Ashley got into a fight with a TSA officer over a vial of blood they wouldn’t let her bring onto the plane. Waddle, doggy, waddle!!!!