Category: Prince George
And This Is What Baby Prince George’s Little Sister Looks Like
Surprise! She looks like a baby! She also looks a bit like an adorable sleeping baked potato, but that’s what I think all babies look like.
Approximately 3.3 seconds after she gave birth, Duchess Kate summoned her royal glam team (2 corgis with exceptional hair styling skills and one with the ability to apply eyeshadow), slipped out of her hospital gown and into a dress that has no doubt already sold out from here to Jupiter, and brought Baby Prince George’s new baby sister outside to meet everyone. As of right now, New Baby Princess still doesn’t have a name. Why are you making us wait, Duchess Kate? Just tell us her name already! Did you name her Maddysynn Quelseigh or what?
But more importantly, what does Baby Prince George think of all of this new baby business?
“Sorry, I haven’t had time to process it; I’ve been far too busy trying to figure out who approved this daddy-n-me matching outfit nonsense. Ugh, how humiliating – we look like the tea and crumpets version of The Heart Family.”
Here’s more of Duchess Kate and Prince William introducing New Baby Princess to the world earlier today, as well as Prince William bringing Baby Prince George to meet his new baby sister. Two questions: 1) How in the hell does Duchess Kate not look like a melting exhausted sweat monster so shortly after she gave birth? 2) No really, what the hell kind of royal sorcery is this?
For Where Is The Royal Baby?
The Telegraph says that the fourth in line to the throne and Baby Prince George’s standby was supposed to be pulled out of Duchess Kate’s royal vagine last Thursday, but none of spent the day staring at the front door of the Lindo Wing (named after Auntie Lindo from Joy Luck Club, of course) for hours on end, so obviously that didn’t happen. The Telegraph’s source says that the newest baby prince or princess is four days late and I’m not surprised. Babies are rude. They’re like my cousins. They’re always late and when they do get around to showing up, they cry for a drank. On second thought, it’s wrong of me to compare babies to my cousins. Yes, babies are rude, but at least they show up with a dish (aka the placenta). My cousins just show up with empty Tupperware containers to take leftovers home.
Some unnamed person whose baby was born in the Lindo Wing at St. Mary’s Hospital tells The Telegraph that Duchess Kate’s doctors have probably already talked to her about inducing, because doctors normally don’t wait longer than a week. But an aide for Kensington Palace (aka The weekday receptionist who answered the phone. So Fergie, basically.) told UsWeekly that everyone needs to shut their mouths about DK’s due date because they don’t know shit about shit:
“We have never commented on or discussed a due date.”
DK said before that her “due date” is somewhere between mid-April and late-April, so those patriotic jewels of England in the picture above may have to camp out for a few more days.
If DK really wants the new royal baby to come out now, there’s a few things she can try. Doctors say that an effective, yet severely cruel, inducing method involves blasting a Nickelback song into the mother’s mouth. The sound will travel down into the womb and that baby will immediately bust out the nearest exit to get away from that musical torture. She can also get somebody to wave a picture of Prince Hot Ginge with a puppy in front of her royal vagine. The royal baby will immediately crawl toward it, because no human can resist a picture of PHG with a puppy. And lastly, if someone whispers the words, “Morrissey is having the best day ever,” next to Duchess Kate’s stomach, that baby will come out real quick, because nothing ruins Morrissey’s month like knowing that there’s another British royal amongst us and those British royals live to ruin Morrissey’s month.
And here’s the new royal baby’s uncle looking hot at the London Marathon yesterday.
“Why I Oughta…”
You really ain’t right if you’re wondering why I’m posting another Miley Cyrus post. Baby Prince George doesn’t deserve that comparison.
Duchess Kate and Prince William released three portraits of the future 17-month-old King of England, Baby Prince George, being a baby on the steps of Kensington Palace. UsWeekly says that the pictures were taken in November and the royals are releasing them now, because they know you’ll want to print them out, frame them and put them on your mantel before Christmas times. The photographer really captured Baby Prince George being pure Baby Prince George, because in that picture above he’s making a smirk like he sees a brat playing with one of his toys and he just wants to strangle them. Pure BPG!
Prince Hot Ginge’s future drinking partner isn’t only serving FACE in these portraits, he’s serving FASHION too. Every menswear designer in Paris has to cut their weekend short and go back into the office tomorrow. They’ll have to scrap everything they’ve worked on because next season is all about black knee socks, nun shoes and knitted Queen’s Guard vests. Baby Prince George sets the fashion bar.
After the cut are two more pictures of BPG looking like a miniature old man.
It’s Baby Prince George’s First Birthday, So Here’s A Picture Of Him With A Butterfly
Exactly one year ago today, a bunch of us dumb shits spent way too much time staring at a stupid, ugly door and waiting for it to open while a lucky lottery winner was born into a world where he’ll never know what the phrase “the rent is due” means, he’ll never see an overdue bill and he’ll do his first vodka shot out of an Eastern European cocktail waitress’ belly button as Uncle Hot Ginge cheers him on. Usually when it’s someone’s birthday, you get them gifts, but since the royal family are so giving and have charitable hearts, they gave the peasants new pictures of the future King of England. A couple of days ago, they gifted the eyes of their people with a picture of Baby Prince George that was taken before he bum rushed a photographer Kanye-style. Yesterday, they released two more pictures of Prince William, his receding hairline twin Baby Prince George and Duchess Kate at the butterfly exhibit of London’s Natural History Museum. That picture looks like a generic picture you’d find in a gold frame at the Hallmark store. They look too perfect. Even the Heart Family is saying, “Ugh, their perfection creeps us out!”
That baby drool on Duchess Kate’s dress is a nice touch, but it doesn’t fool me. It’s supposed to make them look like every other normal, average family, but you know it took 6 assistants, 2 bottles of organic oil, 2 electric fans and 3 paint brushes to make that perfectly sized baby drool stain on her dress. Even though that baby drool stain is some royal STUNT QUEEN shit, the baby drool broach will still become the #1, must-have fashion accessory of the year. Everyone’s going to work a baby drool stain. You should drool out as much drool as you can now, because it’s only a matter of time before drool sells out and becomes extinct.
And I’m no butterfly body language expert, but I’m pretty sure that poor butterfly is trying to say “ayúdame!” with its wings, because it knows that if it accidentally throws the wrong look at Baby Prince George, part of its wings will end up in his baby fits and its head will end up at the bottom of his stomach.
Happy birfday, Baby Prince George! I’m sure your #1 fan Morrissey is celebrating your special day by throwing a party for his cats in your honor.
Everybody Ruuuuuuun! The Future King Of England Is Walking Now
When Baby Prince George was just crawling around and didn’t know how to use his legs to walk yet, he was stealing toys, slapping other children and leaving a pile of smoking destruction wherever he went. There’s a room in the dungeon under Buckingham Palace where all the skeletons of his victims and the toys he stole are stored and every time someone asks THE QUEEN about it, she shrugs and says, “Oh, future kings will be future kings.” So now that Baby Prince George can walk, we’re all doomed and there’s no limit to the destruction he can cause. Everybody ruuuuuuuun! Okay, first you can awww at his pudgy cheeks and little baby outfit and then ruuuuuuuuuuun for your lives!
Baby Prince George’s birthday is on Tuesday, so to celebrate the one year anniversary of the day that Baby Prince George was pulled out of Duchess Kate’s royal vagine, she and Prince William released this picture of him walking around a butterfly exhibit at the Natural History Museum in London a little over two weeks ago. Yes, Duchess Kate and Prince William are just like your neighbors who give you a picture of their baby on their baby’s first birthday. You stick that picture on the side of your refrigerator with a magnet your mom got you during her trip to Las Vegas. You’ll eventually replace that picture when you need space to put a menu from that Thai restaurant you order from all the time.
John Stillwell of the Press Association took the picture and he tells People that after this picture was taken, Baby Prince George viciously attacked him, basically:
“He’s quick on his feet. He was walking towards me – I was kneeling down to take the picture and he was on top of me as soon as he started walking. He was very quick. He looked really steady on his feet.”
But was he quick? I don’t think John told us that.
AFP says that everyone is going to run out and get the outfit that Prince George is wearing, because he’s a fashion icon. To which I say, AHAHAHAHA. Baby Prince George is barely a year old! I doubt anybody is copying his look. A style icon? That’s crazy. That’s insane. (Cut to me later tonight furiously searching Amazon for black leather nun shoes in men’s size 9 and blue striped OshKosh overalls in toddler size XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXL).
And here’s some pictures of Baby Prince George’s daddy and hot ginger uncle throwing side-eyes (see: Prince William), giving everyone the swoons (see: PHG) and working hard for that benefits money at the Queen’s Young Leaders Programme Launch in London on July 10th.
Pics: Wenn.com
“I Said, Put Me Down At Once! I Outrank You!”
And if he could really speak words, he’d scream, “I’m sending you to the gallows! Do not disobey your future king!” Those future kings of England grow up so fast.
It’s really hard out there for a baby prince, because Duchess Kate and Prince William dragged him out on a goddamn Sunday to entertain his subjects at some polo game at the Cirencester Park Polo Club, Cirencester, Gloucestershire, UK. Who ever says that those royals are nothing but mooches who suck in the wallets of the taxpayers obviously don’t know that the baby prince works on the weekends. As Prince Hot Ginge made me jealous of a horse’s back by putting his crotch on it while playing polo with his brother, Baby Prince George cried at his mom (who was dressed up like a WASPY Park Slope mother with a J. Crew card that has a $10,000 limit), made friends with a ball, had a premonition that one day he’ll rule all those hos and then probably pulled off a horse’s tail because he can.
And Baby Prince George did it all while wearing sharp-as-fuck pink overalls and nun shoes. Only the future King of England could pull off pink overalls and nun shoes. Tommy Girl is probably furiously searching to see if they still have those pink overalls in his size (which is the same size as Baby Prince George), but he’s wasting his time. Those overalls sold out before Baby Prince George even stepped out of his palace. Blue Ivy wish she had that impact.
Pics: Splash