Millions Of Congressmen Are Crying

Since President Obama has tapped John Kerry to be his Secretary Of State, there will be a vacant seat where a senator from Massachusetts used to sit. It was rumored that Ben Affleck was thinking of running for the spot, but he says there’s no truth to that shit.

According to the Huffington Post:

“I love Massachusetts and our political process, but I am not running for office,” he said. He vowed to continue his work with the Eastern Congo Initiative and with fighting hunger in the United States.

Allow me to translate. Ben knows that the people of Massachusetts remember Bennifer, and he had no chance of winning with that kind of poor ass decision making. WE’LL NEVER FORGET, BEN. Plus, Jennifer Garner told him no, spanked his ass, and sent him to his room.

FINALLY! Glenn Beck Is Putting Out A Teabagger Clothing Line!

So I’m over at Towleroad and I come across this bright shining headline that made the pores on my thighs let out a simultaneous YEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSEEEEEEESSSS! Glenn Beck is finally answering all of ours calls by putting out a clothing line for teabaggers. Now, I didn’t read the statement since usually everything that comes out of Glenn Beck’s mouth sounds like a vagina bawling into a rubber Barbie face to me and I was really too busy screaming at the upcoming winter winds that they aren’t going to give me frozen thighs this year!

Think about it. Don’t you just hate it when you’re out in “the field,” dunking your bags in a trick’s mouth and you suddenly see a flashing flashlight coming from yonder. You gotta undunk and then run your almost bare ass out onto the street while pulling your jeans up over your cold thighs. It’s the worst and will ruin your night. Don’t even ask me, “But Michael, why don’t you just push your goods out through the zipper hole?” Are you serious? And don’t even ask me to wear button fly. But I don’t need to now that Glenn Beck’s teabagger clothing line is almost here!

It’s probably going to look something like this:

But you know, the trapdoor will be in the front instead. It will also be fastened with Velcro and there will be two tiny trapdoors since sometimes you just want to dunk one nut instead of the whole pot. Even if you don’t play outdoors, Glenn Beck’s teabagger pants will come in handy when you’ve got a hardcore itch on your crotch ball that can’t be killed with an over-the-pants scratch.

I don’t know if America will thank Glenn Beck, but I know plenty of nutsacks and thighs that will.

But What Does Melania Trump Have To Say About This?

President Obama held a press conference this morning where he called the whole birth certificate thing a “sideshow circus” and then he did what Diane Sawyer should’ve done to Whitney Houston those many years ago: HE SHOWED THE RECEIPTS! Or in this case, he showed the long form of his birth certificate.

Once the first lady of my dreams Melania Trump awakens from her beauty coma and tosses the solid gold sheets off of her gorgeous body, I’m sure she’ll have something to say about this! But in the meantime, we’ll have to settle for what Trump, whose hair was born on a lion’s ass in Kenya, had to say about this:

“Today I’m very proud of myself, because I’ve accomplished something that no one else has been able to accomplish. I want to look at it, but I hope it’s true. … But he should have done it a long time ago.”

Strangely enough, Melania Trump said those exact words after she caught a glimpse of Trump’s natural hairline during a windstorm.

And now that this is done (I think), can the birthers please use their powers for a greater cause? I’m talking about getting Prince Hot Ginge to release his birth certificate. And by “birth certificate” I mean “penis.”

via HuffPo

About Hillary Clinton’s Hair Clip….

On The View this morning, one of the crumbs the hens viciously pecked at was the hair clip that Hillary Clinton wore to a meeting at the United Nations this past Sunday. Hillary was there to meet about what’s going on in Pakistan and Haiti, but instead all eyes were focused on the hair clip she fished out of a swap meet discount bin circa 1988. Some moaned that it’s very unprofessional-like for an important politician to wear her hair like my mom about to clean her oven. And others said that she’s the Secretary of State so she can do whatever the hell she wants with her hair.

Personally, the hair clip is my favorite part of Hillary’s whole look. My soul permanently lives in the mid-80s to early 90s, so I love hair clips. The only thing that would’ve made Hillary’s look better is if she was wearing a banana clip, a velvet choker and black suede boots held up with rubber bands. Oh, and a scrunchie around her wrist. Basically, in a perfect world all our politicians would dress like extras from Beverly Hills 90210.

Helen Thomas Is Off To Shady Pines

The mention of politics gives me an annoying tick called “thinking“, so I like to stay away from that shit but this is some important news about one of our former Hot Sluts Helen Thomas! Helen has announced that she is getting up out of the first row and retiring right now. This comes after the 89-year-old White House correspondent received a shit load of head shakes for saying that the Jews “should get the hell out of Palestine.” Watch her entire statement here.

Here’s the memo from Hearst:

Helen Thomas announced Monday that she is retiring, effective immediately.

Her decision came after her controversial comments about Israel and the Palestinians were captured on videotape and widely disseminated on the Internet.

Thomas later issued a statement: “I deeply regret my comments I made last week regarding the Israelis and the Palestinians. They do not reflect my heart-felt belief that peace will come to the Middle East only when all parties recognize the need for mutual respect and tolerance. May that day come soon.’’

Thomas will mark her 90th birthday on Aug. 4.

And here I was hoping that Helen would be forced into retirement after slapping a bitch or attacking a ho with her dentures. Oh well. Maybe next time.

Assemblyman Michael Duvall Is One Horny Bitch

I’m telling you, my ass is in the wrong business. The politics game is where the fun and fucking is. When you aren’t dropping it low to “The Halle Berry Song” or enjoying a dazzling tap dance performance by Larry Craig in the men’s restroom or smoking crack with Senator Jeff Sessions, you’re hearing all about Mike Duvall’s kinky antics with his mistress.

OCWeekly reports that right before the start of a committee hearing, California Assemblyman Mike Duvall gave the dude next to him the tingles (or the dry heaves) by talking about how his mistress wears “eye-patch underwear” and loves it when he spanks her nalgas. Mike didn’t know that the mic in front of him was hot, so it was all caught on tape. Note to self: Always stick a thermometer on a mic before talking about sex stuff.

The scandal in all of this is that not only is Mike married with two children, but his mistress is a lobbyist. Mike is also a “family values” advocate who was a staunch supporter of Prop 8.

And if that’s not entertaining enough, Mike said that after he had “a lot” of sex with his mistress on Wednesday, she told him: “I am going 
up and down the stairs, and you’re dripping out of me! So messy!” No, that wasn’t Mike’s dick milk dripping out of her. It was hypocrisy. MESSY!

P.S. – Why does it look like I’m watching a clip from 1986? Somebody get KCAL a new camera for Christmas.