Category: Maybe Baby
William Shatner Is Being Sued For $170 Million By A Dude Who Claims He’s His Son
That nervous shuffling you just heard was the Travelocity Gnome and the Trivago DILF hauling ass to the nearest computer, pulling up Facebook, and scanning to see if any of their discount vacation lays now have a kid that looks like them.
William Shatner, Star Trek’s Captain Kirk and the greatest spoken-word lounge “singer” of all time, has found himself in the middle of a mess that includes a paternity test, a 59-year-old Florida DJ, and $170 million lawsuit. Page Six says that a DJ from Florida named Peter Sloan, who started going by Peter Shatner a few years ago, claims to be William Shatner’s long-lost son. Peter claims William Shatner had a brief affair with a Canadian actress named Kathy McNeil 59 years ago that resulted in a whoopsie baby (Peter). Kathy put Peter up for adoption when he was 5 days old, and now Peter wants his real daddy – which, according to Peter, is William Shatner – in his life.
Nicki Minaj Introduced Meek Mill As Her “Baby Father” During A Show Last Night
If Nicki Minaj’s use of the words “baby” and “father” are true, then there’s a tiny fetus with Nicki’s original butt chilling out underneath that busted off-brand Ice Capades costume. TMZ says that during a Pinkprint Tour show in Burgettstown, PA last night, Nicki Minaj put the stunt in ohyoushamelessstuntqueenyou by vaguely referring to her maybe fiance and the star of Drake’s most recent tear-stained diary entry Meek Mill “my baby father.” Meek responded by smiling and blushing on the outside, and hollering “Ha ha! Looks like you can upgrade my job title” in Drake’s direction on the inside. And somewhere in Destiny’s Castle, Beyonce is slow-clapping for Nicki’s expert-level attention-grabbing possible pregnancy announcement skills.
OMG @NICKIMINAJ OMG #BESTCONCERTEVER guess who's pregnant 💟👶🏾 pic.twitter.com/49hmkMpFPJ
— marcus (@MarcusMraz) August 9, 2015
Nicki didn’t exactly confirm that Meek’s anaconda slithered up inside her inside parts and covered her eggs in hollandaise, and so far she’s said nothing on Twitter (that’s a first), so who knows if she’s actually pregnant. Although she did sort of fan the flames on Instragram by posting a group picture from after the show and captioning it “My beautiful babies.” Meanwhile, MediaTakeOut has been saying since June that she’s knocked up, so this could be Nicki’s way of announcing that she’s with fetus.
If she is pregnant, then I cannot wait for two things. One, the bonkers-to-Mars-and-back name she gives it. Boy or girl, my guess is Myx Moscato™ (alien symbols) Minaj Mill or More Royal Than Lil Kim’s Baby Royal Reign. Two, seeing how jealous her ass gets when her stomach eclipses it in size. Yes, I see a ass vs. stomach parking lot slap fight sometime in the second trimester (my money’s on ass).
George Clooney And Amal Clooney Are Reportedly Trying To Have A Baby
Raise your hand if you too just got the mental image of George Clooney shouting “I’m knocking up the most beautiful, stylish, smart, kind, amazing woman aliiiive” as he busts a tequila trouser worm nut into his wife Amal Clooney.
According to UsWeekly, 54-year-old George Clooney and 37-year-old Amal have decided that it’s the right time to make a baby. A source claims they’ve recently visited a fertility center, and that Amal is freeing up her schedule by not taking on any extra cases at work. Meanwhile, George is getting ready by choreographing his hand placement on Amal’s stomach for their first “She’s pregnant!” pics for the paparazzi. Another source says they’re fixing up their $15 million house in the English countryside to include a room for Baby Clooney, who they hope will make an appearance in London sometime next year.
George said back in May that the idea of spawning hasn’t been high on his to-do list, but another source says that hanging around his friends and their kids have changed that. The same source says George thinks Amal “will be a great mother.” Oh, I’m sure she will! And I’m sure George will remind us at least 20,037 times in the nine months leading up to Baby Clooney’s birth.
Here’s George and Amal and their families out for dinner in Italy last night.
Pics: Splash/INF
“Multiple Sources” Have Confirmed That Keira Knightley Is Pregnant (UPDATE)
Whenever I see the term “multiple sources”, I immediately imagine a bunch of catty gossips crowded around the coffee maker in the office break room whispering shit like “I saw Linda eat two yogurts this morning. TWO! Linda is definitely pregnant.” But in this case, it’s not Linda, it’s Keira Knightley, and the coffee maker is Page Six. According to “multiple sources”, Keira Knightley is currently renting her womb to a baby and is 3 months pregnant. Keira has been seen recently wearing some roomy-in-the-gut type clothing, as well as attending the Moët British Independent Spirit Awards on Sunday night and not drinking any of that delicious Moët champagne (“Bitch please, like you’ve ever drank anything fancier than Baby Duck” hissed my liver).
Keira has yet to confirm or deny if her husband James Righton knocked her up, but sources say she and her stylist have been working hard to disguise her fetus pouch. That seems like a lot of trouble – she should just start carrying a huge box everywhere she goes and shrug it off like “What? It’s just a box. Don’t act like you’ve never seen someone carry around a comically large box before.” Or she could invest in some shapeless capes. Actually, that sounds like a great idea for a business. BRB – need to work on a Shark Tank pitch for Shapeless Capes™.
Only time will tell if Keira Knightley is pregnant (she totally is, but whatever), but I hope she is, because the only thing I love more than a hot bag of Frito pie is celebrity baby names. I’d like to see them double-down on those “ght” sounds and name it something like Dwight Knightley-Righton. Or just Knight Rider. Why not? What baby wouldn’t love to be named after David Hasselhoff’s second greatest work (after Baywatch Nights, of course).
UPDATE: It looks like “multiple sources” were right! Keira’s rep has confirmed that yes, she is knocked-up with a baby.
Sources Say George And Amal Clooney Are Maybe Looking To Adopt A Baby From Syria
According to Woman’s Day Magazine (via The Daily Mail) George Clooney and his wife of two months, Fancy Lawyer Barbie (human name: Amal Clooney) are apparently looking to adopt a baby friend. However, not just any baby will do (sorry, crazy woman at the end of my street who is always trying to give away baby bunnies); a source claims that George and Amal want to get a baby from a “war-torn country”, because they want to use the adoption to “highlight the plight of orphans in countries like Syria.”
Obviously, adopting a baby from a war-torn county like Syria would make sense for those two, since Amal is a fancy human rights lawyer and George loves attention. But those Syrian babies might want to hold off on packing their bags for Lake Como and learning how to say “I said I wanted sparkling spring water in my bottle!” in Italian; a rep for George tells Gossip Cop that the rumor that he and Amal are baby shopping is “100% fabricated.”
Even though Georgie’s rep says this adoption business is bullshit, I still want to believe that George and Amal will adopt a baby. But why does it have to be a baby? Why not a full-grown adult? I want to live at their fancy-ass house in Italy! Amal and George are super into helping people and shit, so I’m sure if they saw me, they’d be like “Why does she smell like Monster energy drink? Is she using bar soap as shampoo? Oh dear god, this human needs our help.“
Us Weekly Says That Jessica Biel Is Definitely Knocked Up With A Timberfetus
Damn, those eyes! If Justin Timberlake ever decides to switch careers and get into cult leadership, we’re in trouble. Those are some “Come try this delicious punch I just made” eyes. Anyways, enough about what’s going on in those crazy eyes and more about what’s going on in Jessica Biel’s baby pouch.
Last week, InStyle Editor-in-Chief Ariel Foxman accidentally announced (then quickly deleted) that Jessica Biel has a fetus living rent-free in her womb, and now Us Weekly is chiming in as well by saying that, yes, Jessica Biel is in fact knocked up. Us Weekly says that several blabbermouths have confirmed that Justin Timberlake put his dick in her box, said “Iiiiii wanna see you out that door, baby bye bye bye” to his fastest ramen noodle-haired sperm, and now Jessica Biel is knocked up with his high-energy offspring. One of the sources says:
“Right now they are just enjoying the news for themselves. They just want a happy baby.“
They just want a happy baby? Good luck with that. Unless Baby Timby is given a complimentary pair of noise-cancelling headphones at the hospital, I give it 0.3 seconds before Justin’s high-pitched dog whistle voice lullabies give it a permanent case of Grumpy Cat NO face.
Neither Justin’s rep (Joey Fatone) nor Jessica’s rep (the dog from 7th Heaven) have commented on the existence of said Timberfetus, probably because they’re waiting for a fat check from People, but we do know when the baby is due:
Lordy, I’ll show myself out for that one. But for real though, Justin probably planned that shit on purpose. “Jessica, hurry up and ovulate! ‘It’s gonna be June’ doesn’t work!“