Well Played: The Twidildo!

The Twidildo: It exists! Tantus, a maker of fuck trinkets, is coming out with a sparkly dildo they are calling “THE VAMP.” They can’t really call it the Twidildo since they will get sued and lose everything they fucked so hard for. And that would be a shame since they deserve to make millions and millions of dollars for coming up with this work of geniusness (yes, geniusness). I mean, they deserve a Pulitzer Prize just for the description:

Updated by popular request… Yes the The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience.

JUST IN TIME FOR HALLOWEEN! Who doesn’t love those dark and mysterious vamps on the screen and in the books we all thumb through lustfully? That’s what we thought. For those of us who fantasize about being spellbound and tantalized by the forbidden comes The Vamp. We promise this vamp won’t be the only thing coming for you in the night.

The Vamp is a realistic form dildo based appropriately on our Sire’s design but with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the new moon’s glow. Since it’s a Tantus toy, The Vamp is made from Tantus’ own unique blend of 100% Ultra-Premium Silicone. Don’t be surprised if this toy seduces you, its long sleek shaft and deliciously ridged head calling to you in the twilight. But don’t save this for just nocturnal escapades, try taking our Vamp out in the sunlight and watch him sparkle.

Toss it in the fridge?! They better add a disclaimer, because some ho is going to sue after her chocha gets freezer burned.

Seriously, every crazed horny Twitard is going to crack open their red apple bank to buy the Twidildo, so that they can say Edward Cullen’s sparkly vampeen finally took their virginity! They should also sell Edward cardboard cut-outs with this, because you know some of those crazies will attach the Twidildo to that shit so that they can ride him until he breaks in two…LITERALLY. Personally, I’m not wasting my coins on this, because I’m holding out for an Eric Northman Real Doll.

The Twidildo is after the jump in all its glory. It’s actually not that glorious since it’s just a generic dildo covered in glitter, but the Twitatties aren’t picky. (NSFW) JUMP!!!

VIA ONTD

Totally Doing It

Here are some extremely crystal meth clear pictures of Kristen Stewart and the keeper of the enchanted unicorn forest practically wet fucking on each other in front of their fellow Eclipse cast members at the Kings of Leon concert in Vancouver last night. Okay, in reality, they are probably just talking really close, because the music is loud, but let’s just go with it…. Kristen is totally playing with his sparkly dick butter while RPattz flicks the fleas off her crotch nest with his feet. *Romance*.

And I hope that right after these pictures were taken, Kristen immediately filed a restraining order against every crazy in this picture. You know, just to be safe.

Quote Of The Day

OK! Magazine asked the keeper of the unicorn forest what he looks for in a lady friend:

“I like people being forward. Gosh, I don’t know. I like strong people, chiseled abs… I don’t know, I take what I can get!”

And with that, every Ab Roller and wet vac (for DIY lipo) on this planet just sold out! Just picture thousands of crazed Twitards burping out their lungs after doing a dozen crunches with a cardboard cutout of Edward in front of them for motivation. The most exercise they do on a daily basis is a few vagina bounces while watching Twilight in slow motion. RPattz is single-handedly curing teenage fopa!

Twilight Ginge Switch

Rachelle Lefevre, who played the role of Victoria in the first two Twilight movies, has been replaced with Richie Cunningham’s daughter Bryce Dallas Howard. Summit issued a press release that said Bryce will take over the role for Eclipse. They said Rachelle isn’t able to shoot the movie due to “scheduling conflicts.”

Uh. Huh.. “Scheduling conflicts” is bullshit talk for “bitch got fired” or “bitch wanted more cash” or “bitch was sick of Twitwards getting in her life” or “bitch wanted to do real acting.” Let’s be real.

I can only imagine how the Twihards are going to handle this. I remember when I almost choked a ho when One Life to Live replaced Asian Blair Cramer with White Blair Cramer. My soul wasn’t right for months after they pulled that shit!

And as much as I appreciated Bryce Dallas Howard’s amazing work in Lady in the Water, I think the Twilight bitches cast the wrong ginge. If they really wanted to make Eclipse a phenomenal blockbuster sensation, they would’ve given international supermodel and scene stealer Phoebe Price the role. I mean, nobody can pose with an inanimate object (I’m looking at you, Kristen Stewart) the way PP can! It’s totally going to flop now.

Peter Pan Dude Is A Husband!

My chair is now full of glitter, because I just read about the fairy tale wedding of this century! The legendary Peter Pan Dude finally got married to Princess Dorothy after announcing his engagement over a year ago! If you have no idea who this is, then you need more internet in your life! Educate yourself by spending at least 10-minutes on his site’s fashion page. Marie Osmond’s dolls wish they looked that precious!

Peter Pan (government name: Randy Constan) married biological female Princess Dorothy at the Tampa Bay Renaissance Festival this past March surrounded by middle-aged ravers, grown men in tights and fairies. The magical ceremony was officiated by King Henry VIII and the two recited lyrics from a Led Zeppelin song as their vows. Instead of exchanging rings, they pinky swore. Because according to Peter Pan, a pinky swear “after all, is unconditionally forever, and something not done unless one really really really means it!”

This sounds just like my backyard wedding to my G.I. Joe action figure when I was 8 (okay, it was last summer), but way better! I mean, I recited the lyrics to a Samantha Fox song instead.

A million sparkly congratulations to Peter Pan Dude and his beard…I mean…BRIDE! BRIDE! That’s what I meant. It was a slip of the finger.

May the rest of their days continue to be filled with bowl cuts, mesh fairy wings and lots of glitter! And may Peter Pan Dude continue to document it on his website, because I live for that shit.

And do your soul a favor, visit the couple’s wedding page. It’s the only thing you need to see today. Cancel everything.

VIA Urlesque

There’s Something Different About This Crazy Fangirl….

The Keeper of the Unicorn Forest flew into JFK today and was greeted by not your typical Twitard. She doesn’t look like Hot Topic just wet farted all over her. She doesn’t have a fake “Edward Was Here” tattoo on her neck. She doesn’t have a unibrow. And it also doesn’t look like a panty milkshake waterfall is running down her leg (this is unconfirmed).

I mean, homegirl probably smells like Pantene, cocoa butter and three kinds of Victoria’s Secret body spray, but she actually looks kind of normal? This bitch might be an impostor. RPattz should’ve tested her ass by asking her to recite every line from the New Moon trailer backwards. If she couldn’t do that, bitch is faking it. Or maybe she mistook him for Samantha Ronson?