And With This, The “Not Impressed” Meme Can Officially Retire

When Olympic gold medal winning gymnast McKayla Maroney and President Obama got together at the White House, they just had to make the face that made her an overnight meme star. (It’s also the same look your chocha makes whenever Todd Akin opens his mouth.)

And there’s the grand finale of the McKayla Maroney is Not Impressed Meme. Stand up, clap as the curtain goes down, make your way out of the theater and make sure to get your parking validated before you leave the building, because this shit is done. Fin!

via Flickr

Bo Obama Doesn’t Have To Move Out Of The White House!

Bo Obama doesn’t have to have to fill his bandana with his collection of leis and tie it to a stick, because he’s staying in the White House for another four years!!! YAASSSS!

In other news, I don’t have a CA weed card yet, so I’m filling my bandana with my bong collection, tying it to a stick and moving to Colorado! UPDATE: Or I’ll move to Washington!

Jon’s Hammaconda Endorses Obama

I know, ANOTHER post about this election shit. But this one isn’t really about the election. It’s an excuse to post this picture of Jon Hamm’s hamm log getting all patriotic and shit at an Obama rally. You can’t tell from this picture, but Jon’s obese crotch hose is wearing an Uncle Sam top hat.

So, Jon Hamm spent his weekend campaigning for Obama and Tumblr-er Frankenteen (via Buzzfeed) was at one of those rallies and transcribed the speech he gave:

“I had a 13 year old girl come up to me in Colorado -this is a dead true story- and say, ‘Well, you’re a wealthy white male… why are you here?’ And I was like, first of all, that’s the greatest question I’ve been asked on this entire tour. But secondly, she had conflated somehow in her head that only people vote for their own kind. And I made sure to tell her that that’s absolutely not the case. I vote for what I think is best for all of us. Not simply for me. And that’s unfortunately the message that the other side wants to get across, is you just take care of yourself and you build a fence around yourself and no one else gets help. That’s not how I was raised, that’s not the America I wanna live in and that’s not the America that I believe in.”

Jon Hamm didn’t say the other reason why he’s rallying for Obama. One day while he was spooning with his dick, his peen turned its head around and nuzzled into his neck for a second before whispering in his ear, “Vote for Obama, it’ll make me extra happy for the next for the next four years.” This is a very important endorsement since Jon’s Hammcock is the current sitting President of West Coast Peens.

And here’s Jon Hamm and his partner Jennifer Westfeldt leaving Little Dom’s restaurant in L.A. last night. If Obama wins this election, Jon Hamm better take to the streets to play “Yankee Doodle Dandy” on his extra long skin harmonica (hammonica?).

Beyonce Gives Obama The Last-Minute Pep Talk He Really, Rally Needed

We already know that when a polling place in Lower Manhattan is cleared of peons and the walls are painted white and the windows are covered with white silk curtains and dozens of lit Jo Malone candles  are placed on every table, Beyonce will then sashay in with her votin’ wig on and vote for you know who. The lights will dim, everyone will hold her breath and Beyonce’s ladies-in-waiting will aim electronic fans at her as she pulls out her custom-made House of Dereon platinum voting wand and places it on Obama’s name. Then everyone will exhale and she’ll dramatically turn around and sing an election day version of Forever Your Girl. Here’s some sample lyrics:

Hey Bama, you gotta remember
I’m forever your girl
Bama forever and ever and ever
You know I am

Bama pick your head up
Come on and look me in the face
‘Cause I can tell that somethin’ is bringin’ you down
(Why are you down?)

Is it the rumor that another candidate wants to take your place?
(I hear he’s after your vote)
Have you been hearin’ the stories, they’re goin’ around?
(All of Fox News is talkin’)

Bama, just remember I gave you my vote
Ain’t Romney gonna tear us apart
He could promise the moon and the stars above
Even if he promised me a tax break

Just remember I’m forever your gurrr-er-earl

In short: Beyonce is Obama’s biggest stan and so of course she’s voting for her ass. And last night, she made it clear AGAIN by writing him an open letter and putting it up on her site:

So where is Melissa Joan Hart’s “Dear Mittens, I’m Forever Your Girl” open letter?! Explain that, Clarissa.

And I can’t wait until tonight when CNN breaks into election day results to report that a 4th grader at an elementary school in Houston is accusing Beyonce of stealing the letter to Obama she wrote. That Beyonce can’t stop thieving even on election day. SHAME. LESS.

Is Donald Trump’s Big “Obama Bombshell” That The President Was Once A Cokehead?

The mutant testicle that was once attached to The Gingerbread Man’s crotch said on Fox & Friends the other day that he will drop a huge October Surprise on Wednesday that may change the election and screw with Obama. Melania Trump is also bracing herself for a different kind of October Surprise, because the only time Donald Trump actually cums is when he thinks he’s got some dirt on Obama.

Everyone figured that Trump was just going to squat out another empty fart about Obama’s birth certificate, but Radar thinks it’s something else. Radar says that some dude approached people close to Romney’s campaign and offered them information from Obama’s college days. The dude claims to have known Obama in college and says that back then the president closely studied foreign relations by snorting the Colombian good shit. The dude also claims that Obama sold cocaine. I guess you gotta pay off those student loans somehow.

The Romney campaign shooed the dude away, because they didn’t want that information coming from them. The dude is willing to take a polygraph, but so far nobody is interested in his story. Radar’s source explained it like this:

“At first he wanted to do a book. But there just wasn’t enough time before the election. The people he is involved with have produced other credible information that is damaging to national Democratic figures in the past few years.

The operatives close to the Romney campaign believed the man’s story would be the ultimate October Surprise but they got nowhere. People who would have taken the information to the highest levels of Romney’s campaign just wouldn’t touch it. They don’t want their candidate smeared with this type of activity.”

So the dude might’ve dropped this not-so-scandalous information into Donald Trump’s lap and now Trump is planning to use it. But just like what a stick of dynamite did right before the picture above was taken, this October Surprise will blow up in his face. Calling Obama a cokehead will lead to Obama winning the coveted Lindsay Lohan vote, which will lead to him winning the entire election! Chop this election up into 3 neat lines and snort it up with Obama, because it’s done.

And I really hope that rogue hair on the left eventually got away from Trump’s head.

Like Everybody Else, Obama Doesn’t Take Nicki Minaj Seriously

Ann Romney will scream “I LOVE YOU FRAGGLES!” during her next speech because of what the Trinidadian Fraggle Nicki Minaj rapped on Lil Wayne’s mixtape. “I’m a Republican voting for Mitt Romney / You lazy bitches is fucking up the economy / Out in Miami I be chilling with a zombie” is what fell off of Nicki Minaj’s tongue. Since everything about Nicki should be taken seriously from her “Rainbow Brite’s yarn hair teased in a blender” wigs to her bottom of the barrel Nanny Fran impersonation, some hos took that line as one hundred percent fact and freaked out over it.

While talking to Orlando’s Power 95.3 this morning, President Obama was asked what he thinks about Nicki Minaj, specifically what he thinks about her calling him a lazy bitch. I half expected Obama to pull out Mimi’s signature line by saying, “I’ve never heard of her.” But Obama has heard of Nicki Minaj and said, “Yeah, I’m not sure that’s exactly what happened. I think she had a song on there. Uh, a little rap that said that, but… She likes to play different characters, so I don’t know what’s going on there.”

“I don’t know what’s going on there” can be said about EVERYTHING about Nicki Minaj. But Obama should’ve just kept it simple by saying, “Bitch is a schiz-ho and Mittens can have her!“

via Daily Intel