What Happens When You Mistake Samuel L. Jackson For Laurence Fishburne

Oh, L.A. locals news, where the lady anchors are always done up like they’re on their way to Happy Hour at Charley Brown’s Steakhouse (LOCAL REFERENCE ALERT!) and where the “entertainment reporters” think all black dude movie stars look alike.

Sam Rubin has been on KTLA in L.A. since the pile of weed-infused oatmeal in my head can remember and maybe it’s because I only get my entertainment news from George PEENnacchio (LOCAL REFERENCE ALERT, part II!), but I don’t remember him being this embarrassing. But this morning, Sam gave every viewer a severe case of second-hand embarrassment when he mistook the national treasure in a Kangol hat that is Samuel L. Jackson for Montana Fishburne’s daddy. Samuel L. Jackson was on KTLA via satellite to whore out Robocop and during the interview Sam Rubin asked him about his Super Bowl commercial. Samuel L. Jackson didn’t do a Super Bowl commercial, but Laurence Fishburne did one for Kia. The switch in Samuel L. Jackson’s brain flipped to NOT THE ONE and he verbally slapped Sam Rubin down. When Sam Rubin tried to get back up and dust himself off, Samuel L. Jackson kept verbally slapping that bitch down. Call him Laurence Fishburne one more time, Sam!

As Sam’s co-anchors laughed at his ass, Samuel grabbed his hair and dragged that ho:

“You’re as crazy as the people on Twitter. I am not Laurence Fishburne! We don’t all look alike! We may all be black and famous, but we don’t all look alike. You’re the entertainment reporter for this station and you don’t know the difference between me and Laurence Fishburne? There must be a very short line for your job. Oh, HELL NO. Really? Really? I’m the other guy. The other one. What’s in your wallet?”

Samuel L. Jackson didn’t even have to reach through the screen and slap Sam Rubin because Sam Rubin slapped Sam Rubin for him.

After Sam finished dipping his body in a tub full of First Degree burn cream, he went back on air and apologized to Samuel L. Jackson and also spit out a corroded dingle from a bull’s butt when he said that he wasn’t referring to Laurence Fishburne’s commercial for Kia, he was referring to the trailer for Captain America 2 that played during the Super Bowl.

Oh, it’s okay, my mom always confuses Sam Rubin for Piers Morgan and I don’t know which one of them should be more offended.

“NOT THE CANNED CHEESE!!!!”

The Inception 2: The Dark Knight Rises trailer leaked this week, but the one trailer that has got me pressing the replay button like it’s a G-spot is the one for Steven Soderbergh’s unintentional (or totally intentional) remake of Outbreak called Contagion. Shit is about what would happen if a bird flu (probably from THIS bird) murdered most of the planet’s population and blah..blah…blah. But way more importantly, we get to sit back and watch GOOP floppity flop flop to her death! To help Fishsticks get to that place, Steven Soderbergh told her to imagine Apple trying to cook a Stouffer’s pizza in the wood-burning outdoor pizza oven in her garden. Aaaaand action!

Birds: 1 Fishies: 0

Morpheus Is Not Pleased

Laurence Fishburne isn’t exactly skipping through the set of CSI while proudly holding a copy of his 19-year-old daughter’s debut porn movie. Don’t expect to see a “My Kid Fucks Better Than Your Honor Student” bumper sticker on Laurence’s car anytime soon. In fact, Laurence found out about his daughter selling snatch on camera the same day we all did.

Montana Fishburne, who is going by the porn name Chippy D, tells TMZ, “[My dad] is very upset. I heard that he’s mad at me but I haven’t spoken to him yet. I feel pretty confident that I can work things out with him. I think he wants to support me in everything I do, and though he sees this now as a negative, I believe in time he will view it as a positive.”

Morpheus has every right to be madder than fish grease at this bitch. Shit, I’m mad at her for listing Kim Kardassian as one of her role models. The broken toilet my mom uses as a flower planter in her backyard would make a better choice for a role model.

But importantly, I’m mad at her for going by the name Chippy D when she was given the perfect porn name ever. Sound it out. FISH-BURN. This bitch! Chippy D sounds like the nickname of a chunky chipmunk from the Alvin and the Chipmunks movie who has big dreams of becoming a hip hop star but his lisp keeps getting in the way. Just no.

Montana Fishburne Is Doing It All Wrong

You can take Kim Kardassian’s name off the list of the Most Useless Pieces of Trash in the World, because I’ve just learned that she actually does serve a purpose to a humanity! Kim is teaching the young ladies out there that you can reach for the stars for reaching for the peen and sticking it in your snatch on camera! TMZ reports that Laurence Fishburne’s 19-year-old daughter Montana will star in her first fuck film for Vivid Entertainment.

Montana’s reasoning for wanting to get into porn really doesn’t make a lot of sense. Montana said, “I’ve watched how successful Kim Kardashian became and I think a lot of it was due to the release of her sex tape.”

If Montana wants to follow in Kim’s exact steps, then she’s doing it all wrong. You don’t just blatantly sign up for porn. This is how you do it:

1. Stick your nose up the snatch of some trick who is famous for doing nothing (ala Parasite Hilton) and trail behind them as close as possible so the paparazzi doesn’t cut you out of the picture.
2. Make an incredibly boring sex tape with some asshole with two first names who is only on TV because of his sister. Oh, and let him go pee pee times on you.
3. Secretly leak the tape onto the internet.
4. Make sure you’re at the same salon where Ryan Gaycrest gets his daily highlights done when you break into a flood of fake tears after finding out that thousands of people are watching you lay there like a dead guinea pig while getting boned. Gaycrest will feel sorry for you and give you a reality show on E!.
5. Get so much plastic surgery to the point where it looks like the only human words you know are: “We come in peace.”

I’m sure I missed a few steps, but Kim Kardassian will fill that in when she learns that she’s a role model to girls and releases a step-by-step slutorial on how to be just like her!

Here’s Montana Fishburne and porn star Brian Pumper talking about making her first porn:

At least Montana Fishburne doesn’t have to go by something else, because she’s already got a perfect porn name. And Montana’s future movies will be called: Eat The Cock Anna Mae, Higher Whoring and Ass Action.