Nobody Wants To Work With Kelly Clarkson

Raise your hand if you too just pictured at least two dozen different famous singing types screaming “NOOOOOO KELLY CLARKSON!” over the phone to their managers.

During an interview for BBC Radio 1’s Breakfast Show (via UsWeekly) Kelly Clarkson told Nick Grimshaw that she has a difficult time finding anyone who wants to record anything with her. Those bitches! Have they already forgotten about “Since U Been Gone”? RUDE. Kelly has a new album coming out next month called Piece by Piece, and she confessed that she has no trouble getting country people to sing with her and she was able to get John Legend, but other than that, nobody seems to be answering their phones. That, or they’re afraid they’ll catch something from her:

“I honestly would collaborate with a lot of people, but everyone usually says no. I’m not kidding you. I have legitimately asked several people that I’m not going to call out, and that’s cool, but I don’t know. I ask good people, I don’t want to sing with crap people, so I mean, I ask people who are great vocalists, but I’m not going to point out anyone. I have asked several people. Sometimes I feel like I have the plague, or leprosy, they’re like, ‘If you get too close…’ I don’t know.”

I want to know the names of these snobby singing types who think they’re too good for American Idol winner and possible leprosy carrier Kelly Clarkson. Call a bitch out, Kelly! Name some names! I bet that shady trick Justin Guarini has something to do with this. He’s probably still pissed that wardrobe gave her the better pair of baggy zip-off cargo shorts on the set of From Justin to Kelly.

Here’s Kelly leaving BBC Radio 1 in London yesterday morning. If I was friends with Kelly, this would be where I would scream at her to pick me up a couple Curly Wurlys.

Pics: Wenn.com

Kelly Clarkson Is A Mother Now

And now there’s a human on Earth who will one day sit in the front row when From Justin To Kelly is inducted into AFI’s Great American Films of the early 2000s and say, “That was my mom!”

Kelly Clarkson and her husband of almost a year Brandon Blackstock, who kind of looks like a humanized Gummi Bear cartoon character, are parents to a brand new baby daughter. Last year, Kelly let it loudly be known that every night she prayed to the Gods to stick a fetus in her womb. Kelly got her wish, she had a shot gun wedding on a bridge and now she’s a mom. Kelly announced on her Twatter last night that she and Brandon Black Cock got themselves a daughter that they named River Rose. Somebody’s a Dr. Who fan….

Our baby girl River Rose Blackstock arrived on June 12th! Thank you everyone for all of your well wishes! Brandon and I are on cloud 9!! 🙂

— Kelly Clarkson (@kelly_clarkson) June 14, 2014

Because I’m always think of body fluids, I saw the name “River Rose” and my first thought was that it sounds like something a romantic and poetic hippie would call her period. “Oh, my dandelions, I can’t go skinny dipping with you this afternoon. My river rose is here.”

Kelly Clarkson would give her baby the most country and twee-est name ever. River Rose sounds like the name of a forest nymph turned country star who was discovered after someone heard her singing while cleaning her white cotton dresses on the rocks by the river. River Rose also sounds like the name of a cocktail that Cracker Barrel would serve if they served the sweet nectar. That’s probably what Kelly was going for.

Kelly Clarkson’s Wish Came True: She’s Got A Fetus In Her Before Christmas

One second after Kelly Clarkson married Brandon Blackstock (Note: We’re soulmates and our brains know what is important if you read Brandon’s last name as “black cock“) in a quickie wedding on October 20th, she blabbed about how she’s going to wrap her legs around her new husband and not let go until the doctor yanks her off to pull her baby out. Kelly told Valentine in the Morning last month that she’s going to board the fuck train and not get off until a fetus has moved into her womb.

“I want babies! Everybody keeps saying, ‘What do you want for Christmas?’ And I’m like, ‘I want to be pregnant. [Brandon] excited about all the practice.”

Kelly also said in other interviews that they’re sexing like rabbits, she wants two kids right away, she wants five kids total and she wants her first one to be a girl. Basically, bitch is baby crazy and all she talks about is BABIES!!! and she’ll keep barfing at the mouth about BABIES!!! because she’s got one inside her now. Kelly tweeted this today:

I'm pregnant!!! Brandon and I are so excited! Best early Christmas present ever 🙂

— Kelly Clarkson (@kelly_clarkson) November 19, 2013

Either Kelly had a case of the babies when she got married and has been aching to scream out this news or she tweeted that while her chonies were still around her ankles and the piss on the positive test hadn’t tried yet. And in another room in Kelly’s house, Brandon’s got his peen in a bucket of ice and is preparing it for another fast round of baby-making rabbit sex as soon as Kelly’s placenta pops out.

(Pic via Instagram)

Kelly Clarkson Slaps Down Clive Davis For Telling Lies About Her In His Memoir

Kelly Clarkson is popping every single one of the rainbow balloons at Clive Davis’ pubic (typo and it stays) coming out party today, because she’s not going to sit around and let him spit lies about her in his book. Clive Davis writes in his memoir that Kelly was hard to work with and closed her ears every time he tried to give her his thoughts about her music. According to Clive, Kelly hated the song Since U Been Gone and didn’t want it on her album Breakaway. When Clive told her it was going in whether she liked it or not, she broke down into a hysterical sobbing fit. Clive and Kelly’s bitch fight lived on during the making of her third album My December. Clive hated it and didn’t think there was one hit on it. The label released the album anyway and Clive writes that he was proven right when My December wasn’t the huge hit that Breakaway was.

Clive also sharpened his claws and scratched at Kelly when he called her a “talent contest winner” and wrote that he doesn’t think he’d sign her if she didn’t win American Idol. Kelly isn’t ever the one to keep her mouth shut and so she wrote her long ass response to Clive’s stories about her on WhoSay.

So I just heard Clive Davis is releasing a memoir and spreading false information about me and my music. I refuse to be bullied and I just have to clear up his memory lapses and misinformation for myself and for my fans. It feels like a violation. Growing up is awesome because you learn you don’t have to cower to anyone – even Clive Davis.

First, he says I burst into “hysterical sobbing” in his office when he demanded Since You Been Gone be on my album. Not true at all. His stories and songs are mixed up. I did want more guitars added to the original demo and Clive did not. Max, Luke and I still fought for the bigger sound and we prevailed and I couldn’t be more proud of the life of that song. I resent him dampening that song in any way.

But, yes, I did cry in his office once. I cried after I played him a song I had written about my life called “Because Of You.” I cried because he hated it and told me verbatim that I was a “sh*tty writer who should be grateful for the gifts that he bestows upon me.” He continued on about how the song didn’t rhyme and how I should just shut up and sing. This was devastating coming from a man who I, as a young girl, considered a musical hero and was so honored to work with.
But I continued to fight for the song and the label relented. And it became a worldwide hit. He didn’t include that in the book.

He also goes on to say My December wasn’t successful because I co-penned the album and it didn’t have “pop hits”. Well, first let me say, I’ve co-penned many of my “pop hits.” Secondly, My December went platinum (It sold 20,000 less than All I Ever Wanted which followed My December.) Hardly a huge failure. Never Again, the ONLY single they released in the US from that record was a Top 10 hit. I am very proud of that and I have my fans to thank. But, again, what’s most interesting about his story is what he leaves out: He doesn’t mention how he stood up in front of his company at a convention and belittled me and my music and completely sabotaged the entire project. It never had a chance to reach it’s full potential. My December was an album I needed to make for myself for many reasons and the fact that I was so completely disregarded and disrespected was so disheartening, there really aren’t words to explain….

Anyway, I love my job. I love my music. I love my fans. I love my label and all of my professional relationships… now. And I am grateful for Clive for teaching me to know the difference.

Damn. That last line was like a cigarette burn to Clive Davis’ bald head. This feud is about as interesting as the ongoing feud I’m having with my neighbor (the one who hates me and repeatedly presses the close button in the elevator when she sees me coming into the elevator room. I hear you pressing that button, bitch! I hear you!), but I still love a good cat fight. Grease them both up and let them go at it.

I love a shifty queen, which Clive totally is, but I have to side with Kelly in this feud, because he writes in his book that he tried to stop this glorious masterpiece from coming out.

ICYMI: Beyonce And Kelly Clarkson At The Inauguration

Above is President Obama’s #1 fangirl waaaaah-awwwww-eeeeee-waaaaah-ing her way through the Star Spangled Banner at the Inauguration today. Beyonce pulled her earpiece out halfway through, because if you really want to look like you’re seriously singing, pull your earpiece out halfway through. Beyonce also pulled it out, because she was yodeling so damn much that it was about to pop out of her ear anyway.

Below is Ron Paul’s #1 fangirl Kelly Clarkson singing My Country ‘Tis Of Thee. Kelly sang the skin on her tonsils off, but just like stars on the American flag and a single tear drop on an eagle’s cheek, this song is not complete without Aretha Franklin’s national treasure of a hat. Kelly definitely needed to put a bow on it.  

Obama’s Biggest Fangirls Will Perform At His Inauguration

Beyonce is looking like me when I’m patiently waiting for them to call my number at In-N-Out.

Khlamidiá Kardashian West’s (that’s what Kim and Kanye are naming their baby, right?) auntie will sing the National Anthem at President Obama’s inauguration on January 21st in DC.  No, the “National Anthem” I’m talking about is not “Single Ladies.” I’m talking about the other National Anthem. The one perfected by Roseanne. Yeah, that one.

Beyonce yodeled out “At Last” at the Inaugural Ball in 2009 and she must have tingled Obama’s ears the right way, because he asked her back. I’m sure stalking his every move had nothing to do with him making that decision. Beyonce’s lace front edges will curl when she sings the “Star-Spangled Banner” at the West Front of the U.S. Capitol. People says that the Presidential Inaugural Committee also announced that Ron Paul’s former fangirl Kelly Clarkson will try to outdo Aretha Franklin and Aretha Franklin’s legendary hat when she sings “My Country Tis Of Thee” (SPOILER ALERT: she won’t). James Taylor will sing “America The Beautiful.”

Beyonce, Kelly Clarkson and James Taylor?! What kind of Inaugural Ceremony is that? That’s not the America I know. This is what the lineup for the Inaugural Ceremony should look like:

The Auto-Tuned National Anthem – Rebecca Black ft. the Backin Up Lady and Sweet Brown

My Country Tis Of Thee/Red (aka The Target Song) –  Taylor Swift and the American Exes (Joe Jonas, Chord Overstreet, John Mayer, Conor Kennedy, Jake Gyllenhaal and Taylor Lautner)

‘Murica The Beautimous – Honey Boo Boo Chile accompanied by Sugar Bear playing Mama June’s chins like a harmonica

That’s what it should look like. But whatever, Obama can have his Beyonce. I’m sure that right after Beyonce’s performance, Francis Scott Key will stop sipping his tea to say to the angels around him, “I tell you that woman he had singing for him, singing my words, she gonna get her ass whooped.“