Category: Juicy Joe
The Real Cellwives Of New Jersey: Teresa Giudice Gets 15 Months In Prison, Juicy Joe Gets 41 Months
The sentencing hearing for Juicy Joe and Teresa Giudice from The Real Housewives of New Jersey started at around 7am PST on Thursday, October 2, 2014 and if you’re a mess like me, you’ve been following it ever since. I don’t even know what day it is anymore. The judge dragged it out like she was getting paid by the hour. I’m pretty sure Juicy Joe and Teresa served their sentence in that court room, because three years have gone by. Happy Birthday x 3 to us all!
Well, the Space Farm Zoo in Sussex better free up some cages, because here comes Juicy Joe and Teresa. Juicy Joe will soon shove his juicy man tits into an orange jumpsuit, because a judge in Newark, NJ sentenced him to 41 months in the clink and 2 years probation for pleading guilty to wire and bankruptcy fraud. The judge also ordered him to pay $414,588.90 in restitution and Juicy Joe has to complete a booze treatment program while in the chokey. Teresa Giudice got 15 months in prison. One of them has 30 to 40 days to turn themselves in. The judge will allow them to serve staggered sentences so one of them can be at home with their 4 daughters.
The Real Con Artists Of New Jersey Plead Guilty To Fraud
As expected, Juicy Joe (more like Extra Juicy Joe because he looks like he chewed a piece of Willy Wonka’s three-course meal gum for breakfast) and his gorilla grifting partner Teresa Giudice of The Real Housewives of New Jersey did the walk of shamelessness into the Federal Courthouse in Newark, NJ this morning and pleaded guilty to fraud as part of a plea deal. Juicy and Teresa actually had to repeat the word “guilty” a few times, because the judge had a hard time hearing them over the sound of Melissa Gorga loudly fapping and cackling at the same time in the back row of the court room.
NorthJersey.com says that Juicy Joe pled guilty to 5 counts of fraud and Teresa pled guilty to 4 counts. Last July, they were charged with 41 counts of fraud for faking pay stubs and W-2s to get $5 million in different types of loans. Juicy Joe was also charged with not filing taxes from 2004 through 2008 even though he made around $1 million. They were facing up to 50 years in the chokey, but under the plea deal, Juicy Joe could sit in prison for at least 3 years and Teresa could be making fake tanner out of roach shit and orange peels in prison for 21 to 27 months. In my earlier post about this messiness, I said that there was talk that Teresa could only get probation, but apparently she’s looking at spending time in prison, so she should start practicing stuffing her coochie with the contraband rhinestone and gold accessories she’ll need to properly accessorize her orange jumpsuit.
Sentencing isn’t until July 8th and the judge doesn’t have to stick with the perimeters of the plea deal.
If Juicy and Teresa didn’t take the plea deal, they would’ve gone to trial on April 14th. Since most humans hate these two dumb bitches and the feds had mountains of shit on them, they probably would’ve been found guilty of many of the charges and Bravo would’ve had to fast-track The Real Cellmates of The Edna Mahan Correctional Facility For Women. So these two brain-dead con chimps really had no other choice but to take the deal.
I wonder where Juicy and Teresa’s daughters will go since they are bitch fighting with most of their family members. You know, if Juicy and Teresa left their girls in their big ass mansion to fend for themselves and the power, gas and water was eventually shut off and all they had to eat were wet leaves and a bunch of mice took pity upon them and started to care for them, they’d probably be better off than being raised by these two fuck sores.
Here’s Extra Juicy Joe and Greta Gremlin walking into court today. In Teresa’s defense, she did show the court that she’s not overspending like normal by wearing a coat she made herself with Juicy Joe’s shaved-off butt hairs.
The Real Con Artists Of New Jersey Will Plead Guilty To Fraud
ABC News says that on Tuesday morning in a court room in New Jersey, the grifting beasts that are Teresa and Joe Giudice of The Real Housewives of New Jersey will both plead guilty to fraud. Juicy and Teresa probably know they’re fucked every which way, because they agreed to a plea deal with the U.S. Attorney’s office. The sad news is that Teresa will probably not live out the real version of Orange is the New Black (her prison name would’ve been HalfHead), because there’s a chance she’ll serve little to no jail time. Lady prisoners won’t get to taste Teresa’s homemade lasagna made out of government cheese and saltines, and cooked on a radiator.
Back in July, Juicy Joe and Teresa were charged with 41 counts of fraud for defrauding lenders, illegally obtaining mortgages, falsifying documents and all sorts of other shady shit. They were both facing up to half a century in prison. But that’s not going to happen if the judge accepts the plea deal on Tuesday. Teresa will plead guilty to four charges. ABC News says that Teresa faces up to two years in prison, but InTouch Weekly says that she’s only looking at 5 years probation max. Juicy Joe will get a minimum of 5 years in prison and they’ll have to pay $11 million in restitution. InTouch says that Juicy Joe, who’s not a US citizen, won’t be kicked back to Italy, but ABC News says US immigration officials haven’t made a decision yet. They’ll decide after Juicy Joe is convicted and sentenced.
As much as I wanted to see Teresa accessorize an orange jumpsuit with rhinestone buttons and a gold ribbon belt, I didn’t think she’d get any prison time. No judge is cruel enough to force criminals to share a confined space with that crazy, soul-killing bitch. But how in the hell are they going to pay that $11 million, because you know they aren’t going to sell that gaudy mansion. We should all brace ourselves, because Teresa is going to whore her whole family out like she’s never whored them out before. Or she’s going to dump Juicy Joe and use her feminine beast wiles to snag a richer chimp.
Teresa Giudice Is Trying To Keep Her Greedy Hairline And Threehead Out Of Prison
The future stars of The Real Grifters of Cell Block C were in court again yesterday to plead not guilty to not filing taxes, scamming a bunch of banks and lying to the bankruptcy court. Juicy Joe and Teresa Giudice should be lubing up all their parts and spreading thick layers of numbing cream on their b-holes, because they’re about to get fucked hard by the feds and it’s not going to be pretty. Not-So-Mighty-Joe-Young and Teresa were indicted on 39 counts and they each face up to 50 years in the clink. Radar says that Teresa is not ready to cover her orange skin with an orange jumpsuit just yet and right before court yesterday, her lawyers threw a plea deal in front of prosecutors.
A source says that in the plea deal, Juicy Joe offered to do prison time as long as Teresa doesn’t have to set one hoof in a prison cell. Teresa told prosecutors that she’ll do anything and everything to keep her ass out of jail. Prosecutors then told Teresa that she won’t have to go to jail if she takes a sip of her own sparkling diarrhea wine called Barfellini. Teresa threw them a look and said that she’ll do anything ANYTHING but that. The prosecutors grabbed the plea deal, wiped their asses with it and threw it in her face. NO DEAL! Radar’s source put it like this:
“Teresa and Joe’s defense team submitted a plea deal on Wednesday but the US Attorney denied it. Teresa wanted a plea deal that keeps her out of jail so she offered to do anything else BUT jail time and have Joe serve all of the time in jail. The prosecutor dismissed the deal outright. The prosecutor has said that if she wants to plead it out she has to do jail time. hey believe that the evidence will show that Teresa can’t play dumb. She was in cahoots with Joe and was just as much a part of orchestrating the scam as he was.”
CAHOOTS!
Teresa should realize that she’s ten different kinds of screwed and needs to focus on picking out the perfect accessories to go with her orange jumpsuit and she needs to figure out how she’s going to make her family lasagna out of saltines, government cheese and mouse meat. She also needs to use whatever is left of her brain to come up with a prison name. I’m thinking Threehead Tre or La Gorilla Head.
But I will give Teresa some credit. She obviously knows that she’s broke, because yesterday she recycled an outfit by wearing the dress she wore to her junior prom in 1988. Kudos for that, Tre! Here’s more of Teresa and her terrifying sumo wrestler hair at a book signing at Posche in Wayne, NJ and at court yesterday morning.
Pics: Splash
Teresa Giudice And Juicy Joe Each Released On $500,000 Bail
Orange is the New Black’s future cast member Teresa Giudice (or “Teresa Jew Diss” as some reporter on the news said last night) and her husband Not-So-Mighty Joe Young were in a courtroom in Newark, NJ this morning to surrender to federal authorities after they were charged with 39 counts of fraud and overall dumbassery. No word yet if Teresa’s greedy hairline was also charged with grand theft for stealing half of her forehead, turning it into a twohead.
NJ.com says Teresa and Juicy Joe were both released on $500,000 bail each. They both had to surrender their passports and they were told not to leave New Jersey or New York until their next hearing on August 14th. Juicy Joe also has to get drug tested. During the hearing, the judge gave Italy some bad, shitty news. Juicy Joe is not a legal U.S. citizen, so if he’s found guilty, he could be deported back to Italy after serving time here. As Melissa Gorga let out an auto-tuned cackle, the prosecutor listed the maximum prison sentence that those scheming whores could get if they’re convinced. Some counts could get them a maximum of 20 years in the clink and other counts could get them 30 years.
New Jersey’s U.S. Attorney Paul J. Fishman told reporters after the hearing that they haven’t talked about a plea deal situation yet. Juicy Joe’s lawyer kept their lips shut about this mess, but Teresa’s lawyer said that she will plead “not guilty.” You can read the entire 33-page indictment here if you want to know how fucked these two are. But on a positive note, thanks to the layers upon layers of self-tanner (aka sun diarrhea) on Teresa’s skin, she will look glowing and gorgeous in an orange jumpsuit.
Juicy Joe and Teresa’s bond was unsecured, so she didn’t have to grift a bank for the money yet. Actually, she’ll probably take out a fraudulent loan today anyway, because she’s going to need the money to buy black and white Louboutins for prison. And I never noticed this before, but when Teresa pulls her hair back, she looks like she’s wearing a fitted cap made of hair. That IS the look and she should work it in the cell block.
Pics: Wenn