Category: Jenny Slate
Jenny Slate And Captain America Are Officially A Thing
In the words of Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park, life finds a way. Like tufts of grass between concrete slabs. Or how backwards ass people like the Duggars manage to make it through life. But we’re here to discuss love. Not incesty Duggar stuff, no. Random, head scratching love, but love nonetheless. Jenny Slate and Chris Evans finally stepped out together for a premiere, confirming what we’ve known for months now.
Is Jenny Slate Knocked Up With Captain America’s Baby?
It’s been about two weeks since the definition of random found itself a new favorite couple in Jenny Slate and Chris Evans. Jenny supposedly pulled her vagine off of her husband of 4 years and dropped it on Captain America’s crotch torch. They met while working on a movie together last year and have been a thing since at least March. Well, have they decided to completely ruin their new relationship by making a greedy, needy human who will keep them up all night and spit up all over them? Page Six has reason to believe that they have!
On Saturday morning, Jenny tweeted that she had the barfs. Jenny is 34 years old and when a woman her age gets the sicks, it could mean only one of two things: Either she listened to Blake and Gwen’s duet, or she’s in the family way! Page Six thinks it may be the latter:
I woke up in the middle of the night all sweaty& then barfed for no reason. In conclusion: I'm 7?
— jenny slate (@jennyslate) May 21, 2016
Yes I was up all night throwing up but now I feel DOUBLE JOY for feeling better& walking through beautiful Brooklyn on a Saturday. Hiyeee!
— jenny slate (@jennyslate) May 21, 2016
Sure, you could say that Jenny just had the flu, or whatever, but she’s doing Captain America and I’m sure his dick leche has all kinds of minerals and vitamins in it. It’s probably like getting DP’d by a box of Emergen-C and a bottle of Centrum. You never get sick as long as you keep doing him. Jenny seemed to spit on the rumors of her being pregnant this morning by tweeting this:
Very excited to once again work so closely w @GillianHardG & @bettyholm that we start having our periods at the same time. Nature is magic.
— jenny slate (@jennyslate) May 23, 2016
I think that just means that she already had Baby America. The gestation period of a superhero fetus is really, really short and I’m sure she already had Cap’s baby and now they’re raising it in secret. I mean, secret babies are so now.
Pics: Wenn.com
Jenny Slate And Captain America Are A Thing Now
That picture of Jenny Slate with Chris Evans was taken when they were both on Anna Faris’ podcast, and their glazed-over shiny eyes could be from the camera flash, but I’m going to choose to believe it’s from spending all day and all night humping their fuck parts off. As for why Anna Faris and Chris Pratt’s eyes are like that too, they have a 3 year old, so I’m guessing they were smoking crack all day to deal with a hyperactive screaming child.