Stephen Hawking Knows How To Party

Every once and a while comes a story that is filled with so much wonderful that I have to rub my monitor to make sure my eyes are seeing it right and this is one of those once and a whiles. Radar says that Stephen Hawking regularly takes a break from doing whatever kind of genius stuff he does (I tried to read his Wikipedia page to find out, but my simple brain switched to images of shiny-haired puppies playing in the snow right after I read “theoretical physicist.”) to bathe in thrusting chocha at a sex club in California. Devore, California isn’t only the place where my cousin got kicked out of a Denny’s for drunk barfing into a yellow mop bin on Halloween, it’s also the place where Stephen Hawking gets wild with naked hos.

A member of the Freedom Acres swingers club in Devore, CA tells Radar that 70-year-old Stephen is a regular there and rolls up with an entourage of nurses and assistants. The fat-mouthed source went on to say, “I have seen Steven Hawking at the club more than a handful of times. He arrives with an entourage of nurses and assistants. Last time I saw him he was in the back ‘play area’ laying on a bed fully clothed with two naked women gyrating all over him. I have spoken to him on several occasions and have even shared drinks with people in his group. And he’ll even take photos with people in the club as long as it’s in a neutral area.”

Stephen Hawking was already a beacon of inspiration, but now he’s a constellation of inspiration after reading this story. Because no matter what happens, we’ll never lose our need for peen (or poon, in this instance). Get your Big Bang on, Stephen!

Michelle Duggar’s Advice To Wimmin Folk On How To Keep A Happy Marriage

If you’ve got an F next to “sex” on your drivers license, then you’re going to want to read all of this right after you shred that drivers license since you shouldn’t be driving, WOMAN! You should be sitting in the backseat crocheting a crown for your king husband while he drives. You also shouldn’t be reading this unless you’re reading this from your kitchen while making your king husband a meatloaf from scratch. Get in the kitchen, WOMAN!

On the season premiere of Ten Million Kids And We All Stopped Counting, human popcorn machine Michelle Duggar speaks at a conference and shares her tips on how to be a good Christian wife. Michelle handed the wives a worksheet titled “Seven Basic Needs Of A Husband” and it should really be titled “How To Be The Celie To Your Husband’s Mistah.” Michelle writes that a husband needs to feel like the Head Bitch in Charge and you can make him feel that way by depending on him financially and by always keeping your hair sexy and fresh. So far, no complaints from me! If I was a wife, I’d want to spend my morning asking my husband for money for the beauty salon and I’d want to spend my afternoon AT the beauty salon. Faith Goes Pop linked to the full worksheet, but here’s some of the highlights:

1. A husband needs a wife who respects him as a man.

How does a wife destroy her husband’s manliness?

A. By expecting him to know what protection you need
1. Physical
2. Spiritual
3. Mental
4. Emotional
Tell your husband how he can protect you.

B. By being financially independent
1. Love is killed by self-sufficiency
2. Whoever controls the money controls the leadership.
Center your work and your ministry in your home.

C. By giving greater loyalty to outside leadership
1. Pastor and church leaders
2. Men and women Bible teachers
3. Relatives and friends
Ask your husband your spiritual questions.

D. By resisting his decisions in your spirit
1. A wife’s spirit controls her husband’s ambitions
2. Reviewing past failure destroys a husband’s self-worth.
Learn to wisely appeal to your husband

E. By resisting his physical affection
1. This is the unspoken crushing of a man’s spirit.
2. A wife’s Godliness is a powerful guard against her husband’s abuse of … [cuts off]

As The Frisky points out, Michelle links all of her advice to the bible in some way. Michelle also advises that you should ask your husband to define your household responsibilities and you should always be GORGEOUS on the outside for him. Seriously, Michelle gets into the hair thing and quotes someone named I, Corinthians (who I’m guessing looks like this). Michelle writes that God gave women hair for covering and your hairstyle should show that you’re feminine, submissive and soft.

You can call Michelle Duggar a backwards pilgrim bitch all you want, but she’s on to something especially about the hair cape thing. If your hair looks like a majestic fall of golden strands cascading over your forehead, your husband will be so hypnotized by its beauty, as he takes your vagina with his leadership dick, that he won’t even notice when your tortured uterus grabs onto his peen head to makes its escape. Then when he pulls out and your uterus runs for the front door, he’ll still be too mesmerized by your hair to realize that your 300 kids are trying to catch your womb before it gets away. To quote I, Camila Alves: Hair IS important!

It’s OVAH

So the speculation is true. Despite a denial an few hours ago that all was sunshine and rainbows and nobody was getting served walking papers, TMZ now says that cromagnon Russell Brand filed for divorce from Crayola titties Katy Perry today in LA, citing “irreconcilable differences”. Well they’re both pretty irreconcialably um, “different” so this is not much of a shock.

I hate to go on a right to gay marriage rant (no I don’t) but they were married in October of last year. Sinead and her hubby called it quits after just a couple of weeks. The divine Liz Taylor was married eight times. So what the fuck is this “sanctity” people scream about? People promise to stay together until death, but then won’t even honor the promise by hiring a hit-man. Lazy. Seriously, shit like this right here makes me wonder why the gays aren’t allowed to break contracts left and right like us straights.

That’s why I just live in sin, sleeping with anyone with a six pack and a couple of joints. It’s so much easier to just sneak out a window half dressed in the middle of the night than show up in court and divide my shit up. And yes, I do feel the burning shame of giving Russell and Katy so much time in the precious Dlisted spotlight. Or is that the burn in my no-no region from my last drunk hook-up? Whatever, it hurts.

Tip Of The Day: Don’t Eat Crack Out Of Your Brother’s Crack

Sometimes the headline is all you need to heave out a proper WTF and this is one of those times. Just remember that if you’re ever in the back of a police car with your brother after getting caught with drugs in your car and he begs you to felch the evidence out of his asshole, just say capital N-O (or at least snowball some the evidence into your brother’s mouth, DAMN!) This shit has scared me into screaming out “FUCK NO!” anytime I think my sister is about to throw a question at me. Better to be safe than…well you know…

via KOAT (Thanks, Elizabeth)

8 Reasons Why I Am In Love Maurice Sendak

Maurice Sendak is best known for writing Where The Wild Things Are? and now he’s best known to me for making me say “Andy Rooney, who?!” out loud. 83-year-old Maurice made my soul coo out 8 crusty and chapped hearts during his interview with The Guardian about writing children books, hating bitches and hating bitches some more. Here are just 8 things that Maurice is growling at (alternate title: 8 reasons why I want to make children with an 83-year-old grand cunt):

E-books: “I hate them. It’s like making believe there’s another kind of sex. There isn’t another kind of sex. There isn’t another kind of book! A book is a book is a book.”

NYC: “You get pushed and harassed and people grope you. It’s too tumultuous, it’s too crazy!”

Rupert Murdoch: “His name should be what everything is called now. (Reporter: But doesn’t he publish your books?) Yes! Harpers. He owns Harpers and I guess the rest of the world, too. He represents how bad things have become. But I don’t know a better house. They’re all in trouble. They’re all terrible.”

American politics: “These Republican schnooks would be comical if they weren’t not funny.”

Salman Rushdie: “That flaccid fuckhead. He was detestable. I called up the Ayatollah, nobody knows that.”

Roald Dahl: “The cruelty in his books is off-putting. Scary guy. I know he’s very popular but what’s nice about this guy? He’s dead, that’s what’s nice about him.”

Stephen King: “Bullshit.”

Gwyneth Paltrow: “I can’t stand her.”

These quotes should be published into a hardcover book with illustrations and read to every single child before bedtime. This is mandatory.

Well, That Answers That

The Dutch reality show Who Is The World Driver In The Netherlands? got their answer when one of the contestants (who isn’t Asian or a woman, thankyouverymuch) went full Lohan by crashing into the show’s host, putting him in the hospital. None of the passengers were injured and the show’s host was released from the hospital after a quick minute. The video above is as educational as it is horrifyingly hilarious. It has taught me that right before I’m about to turn the camera crew into a bunch of bowling pins, I should probably not cover my face and/or step on the gas pedal instead of the brakes. A lesson for the future!

Dear producers of America’s Worst Driver, please get this Dutch contestant for next season and don’t forget to switch out the hosts! Michael Lohan is available! So is The Situation! And Parasite Hilton! And Nancy Grace! And Kim Kardashian! Get all of them! Line ’em up!

via The Daily What