Robert Palmer Is Not Amused

Vh1 is saying that Tiger Woods’ head side-piece Rachel Uchitel is checking into Celebrity Rehab, because she’s got an addiction to pills. But UsWeekly says this isn’t so. Their source claims that Rachel is going to sit opposite Dr. Drew to cry about how she’s addicted to love. Basically, bitch has a chronic case of dickmatization and homewreckeritis. “Addicted to love” is the G-rated way of saying that the ho is adickted to fucking on married peen.

The source explains, “She is not an addict. She doesn’t do drugs and isn’t an alcoholic, but she does have problems with relationships. This is her chance to tell her story and show people another side of herself.”

I think I speak for the people when I say that we don’t need to see anymore sides to her ass! I’m sure half of the straight male population has already seen every side, front and back of Rachel, so the rest of us are good. They took our servings, and we’re okay with that.

But seriously, Rachel disappoints me so. I really thought she was going to be the classic kind of whore who takes her hush money and gallops off to a horse farm far away forever. But now she’s proving that she is replacing her thirst for celebrity dick with a thirst for attention.

The Whoreprentice

Tiger Woods’ most expensive trick Rachel Uchitel isn’t going to just take her $10 million and quietly retire to whore island forever. No, you can spray a can of Raid at her all you want, but Rachel isn’t going to slither away that easily. Apparently, fellow whore Donald Trump has invited Rachel to join the cast of next season’s Celebrity Apprentice. Rachel tells TMZ that she is absolutely going to give him a hand job and a culo tickle as a thank you take him up on his offer. It’s not a done deal, because NBC still has to approve this mess.

In possibly related news, Tivo just announced that they will ship complimentary latex covers to all their customers.

You know, this isn’t such a bad idea, but Donald Trump should stick it all the way in. Not just the tip. It’s about time that show casts some authentic whore pit vipers (no offense to Annie Duke). Donald should also get Boobshit McGee, Mike Jones, Jaimee Grubbs, Ashley Dupre, etc.. etc… If you’re going to bring ho shit into it, REALLY bring ho shit into it.

Heather Mills At The Point

Wearing what most professional hookers describe as “business casual,” Heather Millers (which the British pronounce as “CUNT“) slid onto the red carpet last night for the premiere of StreetDance 3D in London. 20 for a blow, 50 for a lay.

Heather’s polyester swathed camel toe doesn’t bother me as much as the fact that her facial expressions still make her look like she’s getting pussy head from a stun gun. I know the paps are probably throwing the cunt word at her, but she should at least try to fake smile while telling those evil bitches to lick her stump!

The Wrong Gold Digging Whore

Miss Pass Around Pussy 2010 (what I wouldn’t give for that title), Rachel Uchitel, is a shameless gold digging skank tramp with no morals who would suck a load out of a meerkat’s ass if The Insider filmed it….but she wants everyone to know that she isn’t the trick trying to get a dime out of David Boreanaz. It’s silly when us sluts try to act like we have integrity.

Rachel released a statement through her attorney Gloria Allred stating that contrary to reports she never tried to extort money out of Angel in exchange for her silence about their alleged affair.

“David Boreanaz is not part of my life, nor will he be. I am not in communication with him and do not wish to be. I have made no claims against him and do not plan to assert any. Any statements to the contrary are false and I hope that this statement will finally end any speculation about this issue. I am looking forward to a life that is not filled with scandal, rumor, innuendo or false statements about me. I will not have any further comment regarding David Boreanaz.”

Rachel is in luck because she’s already filled with gallons of celebrity sperm, so there’s no room in there for more scandal, rumor, dignity, etc…. The NO VACANCY light is shining bright.

What Rachel really meant by her bullshit statement is that if she failed to snatch $10 million out of Tiger’s paw, she would’ve knocked on David’s door. Plan A was a success, so David was dropped from her hook.

In Failed Whore News….

Markus, Nevada’s first ever legal “prosti-dude“, has packed up his peen and quit the ho business after only 2 months on the stroll. Markus started leasing his dick to lady customers at the Shady Lady Ranch back in January, but only 10 women got to leave a wad of cash on his nightstand. And 9 of those “women” were really male politicians trying to put one past Markus by dressing up in drag. I made that up (but it’s probably true).

The owner of Shady Lane says that Markus leaving was a mutual decision. She says he has gone back to Los Angeles to do porn. That means you can catch him chewing man ass on Corbin Fisher very soon.

Shady Lane hasn’t taken dick off the menu altogether, though. They have hired a dude hooker who goes by the name of Y. Yes, Y. The Y must stand for “Y The Fuck Would Ladies Pay For Dick When They Can Get It From Gerard Butler For Free?!”

Source: LVRJ

So That’s What Hef Saw In These Two

I never understood why Hugh Hefner’s pacemaker skipped two beats for his ex-girlfriends The Shannon Twins. They were so below average on every level to me. I figured he liked the choo choo choo noises they made when they spoon fed him. But after seeing these pictures of them at Playboy’s Super Bowl party this past weekend, I now see what Hef sees. Like me, Hef has a soft spot for Fresno meth hooker hair circa 1987 (aka “chola going to spring formal” hair aka 90s teen mom hair aka Sav-On cashier hair).

This is the kind of hair you get when all you’ve got is a travel-sized bottle of gel and a gas station sink. When your trick gets a little too carried away and sprays the party all over your hair, simply rinse it off in a sink (a garden hose will do too), shake the water out, apply a generous amount of gel and scrunch your way to instant glamour! In just a few minutes, you’ll look just like these two day-shift pussy peddlers.

I should’ve never doubted Hef’s cataract encrusted eye. He knows what’s good.

Here’s the other junkies, tramps and thieves who showed up for the potato buffet at the Playboy Mansion yesterday. They are: Mini-Me, Chuy, The Two Coreys, The New Landers Sisters, Daisy de la Whora, nuns from the Cathedral of Our Lady of Angels and Brittania from Rock of Love Bus.