And Here’s The First Trailer For Maleficent

All the Academy members who are eligible to nominate in the acting categories are making a mental note to write on their ballots, “Best Butterfly-Chasing Performance By A Chosen One In A Trailer – Vivi Jolie-Pitt,” after watching the humanized sliver of the sun that is Vivienne Jolie-Pitt frolic in the Maleficent trailer.

Yesterday, Disney released the poster for that movie about a demonic fairy who puts an evil Ambien curse on the royal baby after the kid’s rude ass parents don’t send her an Evite to the royal christening. (“Hmm, that’s giving me an idea,” said a scorned Duchess Fergie) Today, Disney released the trailer which is about 99% CGI fuckery and the rest of it is Elle Fanning and St. Angie Jolie trying to do what I think is supposed to be a British accent.

Based on the synopsis that Disney released, they’ve erased that whole “christening invitation revenge” thing and will focus on how Maleficent went from an innocent young girl to an ice-hearted evil fairy. How very Oz of them. I don’t want to see Maleficent’s stupid backstory! I just want to see two hours of her destroying the souls of men, making grown people cry, cutting bitches with her razor sharp cheekbones and pouncing on children from the darkness. Wait, I think I just admitted to wanting to see an Angelina Jolie biopic.

Maleficent comes out next May. And next Halloween, out will come millions of messes dressed up like a slutty Maleficent. Malefislut!

The Look: Elle Fanning’s Prada Sandals On Roids

Dakota Fanning, Kellan Lutz, Dr. Blossom, Ashley Greene, Stephenie Meyer, Shar Jackson (??????), Nikki Reed and Taylor Lautner were all flattened to the carpet at The Twatlight Saga: Breaking Hymen – Part 2 premiere in Los Angeles last night after 2-year-old Elle Fanning stomped on all of them. Little Elle Fanning barely learned how to walk by herself like four days ago and she’s already mastered the art of stomping in fucked up sandals made of plastic bricks, pink ribbon and chrome leather. Elle Fanning is practically a child, so I can’t give her any hate for wearing orthopedic sandals for geishas. Millionaire movie star children don’t know any better, because everyone around them will lie to them and tell them they look good. They usually don’t have a grandma around who will grab them by the hair and refuse to let them leave the house looking like a damn fool. If they had a grandma like that, they’d fire her ass for talking back.

These ugly ass shoes have a serious identity crisis. They don’t know if they want to be platform flip-flops, a Jenga tower, Getas on growth hormones or moon shoes for My Little Ponies. The only thing they do know is that they want to be as ugly as possible. When Prada put this nasty shit on the runway, they paired them with rubber socks! It’s kind of funny that Prada paired these sandals with socks that can double as lady condoms, because there’s no way you’re getting laid if you wear that nasty shit on your feet. Wearing these sandals is foot abuse in more ways than one.

Now that Elle Fanning has brought them to the mainstream, I’m sure snotty rich kids will start wearing them everywhere. That’s not a bad thing, actually. Cackling after seeing a brat fall in ridiculous shoes IS my favorite pastime.