…..The Fuck?

This is a MAN DOWN CODE 10 EYEBROW SITUATION right here. You know Lindsay Lohan put a Sharpie in Ali Lohan’s hand and forced her to paint these eyebrows on, because she said it will make her look like Joan Crawford. Fuck my eyes with a wire hanger, because she looks more like the Benjamin Button-ized love child of Groucho Marx and Gollum. Lindsay Lohan should stick to sniffing Sharpies instead of using them on her sister’s eyebrows. Beyond brow fuckery.

I am a strong supporter of eyebrow art, but this only works if Ali Lohan wants to look like a bridge witch who lost all her teeth from chewing on children’s toe nails and gnawing on deer bones. Ali’s sweater is even disintegrating at the sight of her scary ass. It’s afraid she’s going to throw it in the oven like she did to those village kids. Release the Kraken! I said “Kraken,” not “Crackhead,” so you can stand down, Lindsay.

Here’s more of Ali with Lindsay Lohan at Millions of Milkshakes yesterday. Millions of Milkshakes is really the only place that will give Lilo a job nowadays.

These Two Crazy Skeletons Belong Together

Both Larry King and his wife of nearly 13 years Shawn Southwick filed for divorce last week after getting into a fight over the allegations that he’s fucking her sister. Well, People says there’s a good chance they won’t quit each other after all. Larry’s lawyer had this to say:

“There’s a 50-50 chance this divorce is not happening. His focus is on the best interest of his children. It’s not clear to me which way he’s going to turn on this issue.”

After all the dust from Larry’s orifices settled, they probably decided that deep down they still love each other. Larry knows that he will never find another lady who won’t choke on her own vomit at the sight of him eating a whole raw fish like The Penguin in Batman.

Shawn realizes that after humping on Larry’s body for all these years, she’s officially a necrophiliac. And why should she go trolling the morgues for dead bodies to fornicate with when she’s got one at home? They belong together!

UPDATE: Larry’s lawyer says their divorce is postponed for two weeks while they work some shit out. Zombie love forever!

Good News For Zombie Chasers! Larry King Is Single Again!

If you’re a lovely lady who gets a special twitch down below when a man’s zombie peen decorates your decolletage with a moth ball necklace, then today is your lucky day! TMZ reports that 535-year-old Larry King is back on the market after filing for divorce from his seventh wife Shawn Southwick.

In the divorce papers, Larry blames “irreconcilable differences” as the reason why his 13-year marriage croaked into an open pit. Shawn probably couldn’t stand it when Larry came home early in the morning smelling like virgin’s blood and forest soot. And it probably killed her buzz every time his peen broke off inside her vag. I mean, you want to be broke off, but not like that.

Larry King is asking for joint custody. Shawn filed her own papers asking for primary custody of their two kids. Shawn also wants child and spousal support from Larry.

But seriously, now that Larry King is entering the dating world again, somebody should really tell him that he can’t club a lovely lady over the head and drag her back to his cave like in the old days. He has to buy her a cocktail first.

UPDATE: A source tells TMZ that Larry and Shawn had themselves a huge fight this morning, which led to both of them filing for divorce. Apparently, Shawn thinks Larry passed his peen to one of her close relatives! DAMN! The old geezer’s still got it. And by it, I mean a never-ending supply of Viagra. Do you think Larry keeps his suspenders on when he gets down to it?

Alec Baldwin vs. Mike Walker

Alec Baldwin is adding a new name to his book of arch rivals. Page Six says that Alec is directing his rage at The National Enquirer’s Mike Walker for claiming that he yelled at Tina Fey on the set of 30 Rock. Alec wants it known that the only way he would yell at a Tina Fey is if Mike Walker legally changed his name to Tina Fey. It. Is. Awn.

Alec responded to Mike’s story by calling him a “whore” and a “queen.” Now, any of us would send Alec a thank you basket full of dildos for declaring us the queen of whores, but Mike Walker wasn’t exactly amused. In his column for the Enquirer, Mike brought the bitchiness out and wrote the headline: “Alec Baldwin — Raging Closet HOMOPHOBE!’ Grab your pitchforks and torches, Hollywood — the monster lurks among ye!”

Damn. That Queen Whore means business if he brought “ye” into it.

Alec didn’t miss a beat, and he shot back with, “Yes, he [Walker] is a goat-footed, wheezy, old queen, and all my male lovers agree with me.”

That was way harsh. This goat-footed queen is offended:

After Alec called Mike a goat whore queen (or something), Mike lifted his queeny hooves and slapped him back with this: “Just for the record: I am not gay, as my wife will attest. Right honey? . . . HONEY?? Hey Alec: Stay tuned.”

A few years ago, I witnessed a fight at some dusty gay bar between two old queens. They were brawling over a young Asian twink. There was more slapping and biting than a Tiger Woods text message. This war of words between Alec and Mike is almost better than that. Alec and Mike really need to meet in a dusty gay bar and fight this out like real old queens. Tina Fey can the play the part of the young Asian twink.

What In The Anti-Prohibition Granny Hell?

If Lindsay Lohan purposely wanted to look like a memawmaw who is suffering from a case of swole face because she got attacked by a rabies-infested bat while riding in a stage coach funeral procession, then she has succeeded!

But I have a feeling LiLo’s only dressed like “Mr. Magoo at a Stevie Nicks costume party,” because when Courtney Love looks like this she gets a few more extra coins in her Styrofoam cup from concerned passersby. And well, LiLo wants to get in on the action. She’s gotta find a way to keep milk on the table until that E-trade money comes pouring in.

Hugh Hefner And His Twin Hos Broke Up

Since screaming toddlers can test an old man’s nerve for only so long, Hugh Hefner has moved his twin girlfriends, Kristina and Karissa, out of the Playboy mansion and into a nearby nursery. Actually, Hef tells E!’s Marc Malkin that the decision was mutual to demote KK from his main colostomy bag changers to lawn decorations.

Hef took a hit of oxygen and explained why they are living in the Playmate house now, “They’ve been hanging out with a lot of the other Playmates, and they see these girls traveling across the country to do promotion. They would like to be doing that, too. They will now be friends, but they won’t be defined as the girlfriends.”

But don’t you worry, Hef’s other girlfriend Crystal is staying by his side so there will be someone to mush his Fosamax pill into a bowl of pureed sweet potatoes and to tell him what Charlie Rose is saying when his hearing aid goes out.