Chuck Bass’ Pucker Is Back On The Market

Blind items star Ed Westwick has reportedly quit his Gossip Girl co-star girlfriend Jessica Szohr after he heard rumors that she got it on with a hot piece named Marco Minuto at her birthday party in Los Angeles. Basically, Chuck was probably upset that she took her empty plate to the sausage buffet without him. They used to do everything together including eat sausages. Why did Jessica have to make Ed’s pucker wilt? #sadduckfaceissad

A source tells Page Six, “Jessica recently celebrated her birthday in LA and was being openly affectionate and flirty with Marco. They ended up back at the same hotel, but nobody knows what happened behind closed doors. Her flirty behavior shocked a lot of their friends, so word quickly got back to Ed, who has been filming in Europe. He immediately ended their relationship on the phone, and Jessica, who denied anything happened with Marco, was so distraught that she flew to London last Friday with just the clothes on her back. She’s been begging Ed to take her back, but he is deeply hurt. He can’t believe that she carried on this way with one of his friends.”

Jessica’s spokeswhore denies this whole mess.

Well, if Jessica really isn’t in the picture anymore, my question is:

Who is

going to

make Ed

pucker now?

Chace Crawford better sprinkle a little hot sauce on his biscuit, because Ed’s pucker is going to need perking up.

Miley Cyrus Hates The Internet

Miley Cyrus thinks that instead of reading this post on the internet you should be outside chewing a block of wood down at the dam and enjoying real-life! Miley used to be the Queen Twatter of Twitter, but she left all of that behind and has realized that her life is better now that her eyeballs (and other parts) aren’t glued to the Internet all day long.

In an interview with Movieline, Miley talked about the dangers of the internet and how tweens are living their lives through Facebook. WARNING: Some of what Miley farts about might make sense to you. If you don’t want to know what the feels like, stop reading now and go chew a block of wood instead.

Miley on Twatting: “I was kind of, like, tired of telling everyone what I’m doing. I hate when I read things and celebrities are complaining like, ‘I have no personal life.’ I’m like, well that’s because you write everything that you’re doing. So I was that person who was like, ‘I’m so sad. I have no real, normal life, everyone knows what I’m doing.’ And I’m like, well that’s my own fault because I’m telling everyone. And then I’d tweet, ‘I’m here,’ and I’d wonder why a thousand fans are outside the restaurant. Well, hello, I just told them. So I’m just, like, kind of thinking doesn’t really make a lot of sense. Everything I’m saying is not really going with what I’m putting on the internet.”

Miley on how lame the Internet is: “I’m a lot less on my phone, I’m a little bit more social. I have a lot more real friends as opposed to friends who are on the internet who I’m talking to — which is like not cool, not safe, not fun and most likely not real. I think everything is just better when you’re not so wrapped up in [the internet]. I just think it’s kind of lame. I feel like I hang out with my friends and they’re so busy taking pictures of what they’re doing and putting them on Facebook that they’re not really enjoying what they’re doing. You’re going to look back and have a million pictures, but you’re not going to be in any of them. Because you’re not having fun, you’re too busy clicking away. So I think just enjoy the moment you’re in, and stop telling people about it. Just enjoy it.”

Miley on how the Internet can murder your childhood: “I’m telling kids, don’t go on the internet, it’s dangerous, it’s not fun, it wastes your life, and you should be outside playing sports or something.”

Meanwhile, Noah Cyrus just uploaded a video of herself dancing around in a ruffled bikini to Adina Howard’s “Freak Like Me.”

Katie Price Dreams Big Dreams For Princess Tiaamii

Most loving mothers pray to the Empress of Lucite late at night, and ask that their daughters grow up to be successful and fine young women. Katie Price is no exception. According to The Sun, Katie Price hopes that her daughter Princess Tiaaamamamiamaiami grows up to be a titty model just like her mother. Noah Cyrus, you’ve got some competition!

Katie apparently told her friend, “When Princess is 18 and goes to be a Page 3 girl, I’d encourage her. I’ll go: ‘Yeah, get them out for the lads’.”

Doesn’t that just bring a tear to your tit? It really is beautiful. “Get your tits out” is the new “Go to college.”

If my own mother sang me that lullaby before bedtime when I was a little gay, it would’ve brought a warmness to my heart. And then years later when I was getting my ass out for strange men in bars, I would’ve smiled inside knowing that I was making my mother proud (instead of feeling like I needed to cry in a hot shower).

Katie Price, get them tits out and come accept the award for Mother of the MILLENNIUM!

Noah Cyrus Is Not Launching A Line Of Lingerie For Kids

Last a week, a story about prostitot extraordinaire Noah Cyrus designing a line of lingerie for kids started to make the rounds, but it reached a fever pitch today and now it’s everywhere. If the subject line “Noah Cyrus’ thongs for toddlers” lands in my inbox one more time, Chris Hansen is going to pop into my living room and ask me to have a seat even though I’m sitting. Chris only knows how to start a conversation with “have a seat.” Anyway, this is the story that made pedos percolate and parents explode:

Miley’s 9-year-old sister launching a lingerie line for kids. She’ll be teaming up with her pint-sized best friend Emily Grace to launch a children’s lingerie collection for ‘Ohh! La, La! Couture’ on Valentine’s Day.

Annie Dugourd of Oooh La La Couture (I can’t with that name) tells CNBC that Noah is not designing teddies for tykes or bras for babies. Annie went on to say, “It’s been devastating for our little company. We’re two stay-at-home moms who make tutu dresses. We would never do anything inappropriate.”

Noah’s partner in crime Emily Grace does have a line of tutu dresses with OLLC and you can click here to see it. And while it does look like something the 80s spit up after giving Cyndi Lauper cunnilingus, it’s not lingerie. It’s also not something any child should wear. Correction: It’s not something ANYBODY should wear.

This Is Our Future, Part 5

9-year-old Noah Cyrus has jumped off the pole and is now entertaining adults backstage her sister’s show by smacking her ass to Akon’s “SMACK THAT.” Somebody needs to SMACK THAT child’s parents in the mouth. And why are all those grown ass people clapping instead of calling Child Protective Services or a dentist. Actually, since they are in that circle they should have joined hands and tried to exorcise the Cyrus gene out of that child. I rebuke thee, Cyrus gene!

With that being said, I think I’ll go sit in the corner now, because I just remembered that I was slithering on the floor to “Burning Up” when I was 9. I am your future, Noah! If that doesn’t make her join a nunnery, I don’t know what will.

via Ocean Up (Thanks Joseph)

Miley Cyrus Dresses Up Like A Hooker

Miley Cyrus’ 17th birthday isn’t until Monday, but for some reason she threw herself an 80s-themed party on Wednesday night in NYC. Miley apparently dressed up in Julia Roberts’ hooker ensemble from Pretty Women. The rest of the family also joined in on the fun. Billy Ray went as Edward, Noah Cyrus went as Kit De Luca, and Trace Cyrus dressed up as the horse Vivian meets at the polo game. No, only Miley dressed up.

Page Six says that rape-eyed Constantine Mouralis performed a few numbers from Rock of Ages for Miley. A source said, “Miley had seen the show two weeks ago and loved it, so her mom Tish brought the cast in to surprise her. But I’m not sure who was more into Constantine — Miley or her mother.” Where’s the option for “all of the above“?

While it seems about right that Miley would dress up as a Hollywood Blvd. prostitute, are we sure that she wasn’t just wearing her regular clothes? I mean, even Julia Roberts’ ho outfit is pretty conservative for Miley. CASE IN POINT:

Billy Ray, you are excused!