Nikki Sixx And Denise Richards Might Be A Thing

The first thing I asked myself after going through UsWeekly’s story about Nikki Sixx supposedly dating Denise Richards was: “Is the triangle pubic bush on his chin a good look or not?” And the second thing I asked myself was: “Hasn’t Nikki Sixx dated Heather Locklear before?” The answer to that question is NO (she was with Nikki’s bandmate Tommy Lee), but it seems like Denise is always trolling Heather’s Who’s Dated Who page for fuck partners. I’m just blowing things up as usual, but I still wouldn’t be surprised to see Denise running hand-in-hand with Jack Wagner down a sandy beach at sunset.

And since I brought up Jack Wagner, let’s make “All Aaaaaaah Neeed” the official theme song for this post.

A source type tells UsWeekly that Denise and Nikki have been neighbors for a long time, but it was only recently that they took their relationship from “May I borrow some sugar?” to “May I lick sugar off your ass crack?” The source went on to say that they are taking things slow. Nikki last dated Kat Von D, and Denise’s last known piece was Richie Sambora.

Well, I guess Denise definitely has a type. If your butt cheeks haven’t touched a toilet seat in rehab, Denise ain’t licking them. And I bet a lump of vomit didn’t even rise to your throat when thinking about Denise’s robot face licking azucar off of Nikki’s ass cheeks. It’s the Jack Wagner touch. He soothes everything.

Denise Richards Will Spill Her Guts One Day

A few days after Charlie Sheen was arrested for allegedly completing task 1 on Michael Lohan’s list of daily activities, Denise Richards was photographed with her two daughters at the park looking like the perfect Norman Rockwell painting as seen through the eyes of an E! Executive. I guess some bitches thought Denise set up the photo opportunity to show how happy her family is while Charlie sits in a cold jail cell. But Denise resembles resents that remark! Denise took her Twitter and wrote this up:

for all the negative nellies out there, I DID not have a f..ing photo op with my kids at a park when there is drama u get followed more
about 21 hours ago from TweetDeck

I genuinely love to be with my girls and don’t have a nanny raising them. They are my #1 priority and always will be.
about 21 hours ago from TweetDeck

# sorry had to vent s*** pisses me off sometimes..one day..I will spill my guts about EVERYTHING
about 21 hours ago from TweetDeck

Of course it wasn’t a photo-op! Would Denise really do that? Denise always drives to the park in a hair and make-up van. She also always has a stylist and hairdresser on site when she’s playing with her girls at the park. They are part of the family! And the text message that Denise wrote to “Paco at Splash” was to confirm her colonic appointment for later in the day. HOW DARE ALL OF YOU!

And Denise, keep your guts to yourself. We’re all good. Seriously, the last time you spilled your guts it took 4 crews, 5 boxes of Ajax and a fumigation tent to clean up the mess. AND your john rushed out of there so fast that he didn’t leave the rest of the money on the nightstand. So, it’s better if you keep the cork firmly in place. Besides, we all know Charlie Sheen gives Freddy Krueger nightmares. We don’t need to look at your guts to tell us that.

Three Time Tittays

Denise Richards was on Howard Stern’s Sirius show yesterday and he asked her the obligatory question: “Are your breasts real?” This ho was married to Charlie Sheen. Charlie won’t fuck with a trick unless she’s got silicone marinating in her chesticle area. The truest thing you’ll hear all hour.

Denise admitted to Howard that her buh-bees had been touched by a surgeon’s knife three times. Once, twice, three time fake titties….

Denise said, “Um, natural on outside, on the inside they are not. I was 19, and my roommate had the best boobs ever, and she had just had hers done. I was flat as a board, and I thought, ‘Whoa, you can just buy them,’ and stupidly had them done!” Denise thought her new leased chichis were too big, so she went under again to get them downsized, “The next guy put bigger ones in, and it was not good — they were a D!”

She went in a third time and now she’s happy, “I was young and should have researched better. You know, it was a big mistake. Young girls, don’t do it!”

Okay, I know Denise isn’t the biggest anal bead on the string (that wasn’t supposed to make sense), but what the hell kind of GD garage plastic surgeon did she go to the second time?! She wanted smaller, but he gave her bigger?! Did he inject crystal soil jelly from the swap meet into her chichis too?!

I’m also going to take a wild guess when I say that Denise’s second booby surgeon is probably her current make-up artist and hairdresser. Here’s everyone’s favorite former pussy merchant out in NYC yesterday looking like Miss Piggy working the child beauty pageant circuit after a crash diet. This is not the look.

Denise Richards Sings……

I’m sure that title alone made your ears curl up into your head where they are shaking and waiting for the coast to clear. It’s really as awful as it sounds. This kills SOULS. This kills BONERS. This kills EVERYTHING.

At a Chicago Cubs game today, some hateful bitch gave Denise Richards a microphone so she could screech “Take Me Out To The Ballgame.” The grass died, hundreds of birds committed mass suicide, clouds exploded, children turned into dust and Denise kept on going.

If two cats in heat every wake you up in the middle of the night, just play this for them and it will instantly turn each of them into THIS.

(Thanks Cara)

Denise Richards Is Here To Stay (Maybe)

Rant time! I can’t stand it when bitches carry their dogs around like this. Yes, I know dogs like licking each other’s brown eyes in public, but that doesn’t mean they want to show the goods all the time! That poor poochie doesn’t appreciate Denise Richards showing off his beef bayonet to all the photographers. There’s shame in his eyes. Just because Denise loves to show off her genitals to anyone and everyone, doesn’t mean her dog friend does! Rant over.

Yesterday, it was all over the internets that Denise’s reality show “I’m Constipated” got cancelled due to toilet bowl ratings. According to E!, the show hasn’t been chopped…yet. They issued this statement to OK!: “The show has not been cancelled–The series has performed well for the network and decisions are still being made regarding a second season.”

YES! This means more of Irv Richards! I’m still waiting for the episode where Irv sits Denise down, puts his hand on her thigh and gently breaks the news to her that she’s a total cunt.

And I think what E! really meant to say was, “It’s done, but we haven’t told the crazy bitch yet.”

I’ll Miss Irv

This is going to come as a shock to absolutely no one! Denise Richards’ reality caca show “I’m Constipated” has been sent to the glue factory. It’s been rumored for a while now that the show was facing cancellation because the ratings were in the sewer. I guess not many people were into watching a hooker robot try and find a fuck buddy for her pet pig. “Pet pig” is not a code word for her vagina. Just clearing that up.

A source confirmed to The Insider (via NY Post), “The numbers started out pretty good – just over 1.5 million tuned in for the premiere episode. But the audience has dropped off. ”

Denise can now spend her time stalking Charlie Sheen’s new fetus.

I am going to miss Irv Richards. He’s the pepaw I never had! I’m sure we’ll meet again when Denise finds another way to whore out her family.