Irv Needs His Own Show

Yes, I know Irv Richards is wearing his celly on his waistband. He’s the only one allowed. He needs his hands free at all times to slap Denise Richards in the mouth if need be.

Irv has become the breakout star of Denise Richards’ reality show “I’m Constipated.” That’s why they should give him his own show since Denise’s show is facing cancellation. Star Magazine claims that the show will probably not see a second season due to shitty numbers.

A source said, “The numbers started out pretty good — just over 1.5 million tuned into the premiere episode. But the audience has dropped off. Denise has turned into an unappealing reality star.” This is Denise Richards we’re talking about. She’s about as pleasant as a salad tossing from a cactus.

The source went on to say that viewers complained when Denise used the “cunt” word. “Viewers were disgusted that a mother of two young girls would use such foul language.” That’s funny, because that’s when I got on the Denise slutwagon. She brought the word “cunt” back into my life. I try and use it as much as possible now. I don’t even know my dog’s anymore. I just say, “Come here, Cunt.” I’m joking! Put down the phone to Peta. You know how they are.

Denise And Charlie Are At It Again

Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen were back in court last week after Denise accused Charlie of some fucked up shit. Denise presented a video to the court of her daughters, Sam and Lola, acting “strangely.” Strangely? Were they showing affection towards her because that would be strange.

Basically, Denise was trying to say that she thinks Charlie molested their daughters. Charlie and his lawyers immediately denied that shit and showed video of the girls acting normal around him.

A source told Page Six that Denise only dragged Charlie into court because her reality show is tanking and she’s desperate to come up with exciting shit, “She thinks a court battle would be good for ratings so she wants all overnight visits with the girls ceased, and monitored visits with her nanny. She invited the media circus to the hearing and even wanted reporters in the judge’s chambers – which wasn’t allowed. It’s ridiculous.” She’s accusing Charlie of child touching the girls in order to save her reality show? Denise needs to come and talk to me! That’s not the way to get ratings. If she wants ratings, she needs Heather Locklear! Ha! Well, Heather saved “Melrose Place.” Nothing can save a sinking reality show faster than a good-old fashioned catfight.

Charlie is planning to sue her for defamation and fight her for full custody of the girls.

It’s getting ugly. Uglier than that thing on Charlie’s head. At this point, I think the court should do what’s best for the girls and immediately hand them over to a pack of wolves.

Denise Richards Has An Awesome Vocabulary

I’m pretty sure that I’m the only living thing on this planet that actually likes Robot Call Girl. And now I love her just a little bit more. Last night on “Denise Richards: I’m Constipated,” Denise cursed out some reporter. She didn’t use your normal everyday curse word either, she called her a cunt. She said it several times. Much thanks to the hot bitch that programmed that word into Denise’s main vocabulary.

The word cunt isn’t used enough. It needs more love! How would you feel if you were the word cunt? Nobody uses you! They use bitch, whore, slut, skank, but never cunt! So the next time you need to call someone a “bitch,” use cunt instead. You’ll probably get shot or stabbed for it, but at least you tried something new!

Denise Richards Loves Money

Mother of the year (next to White Oprah), Denise Richards told Larry King that she only did a reality show, because she needed the cash to support her daughters. A friend close to Charlie Sheen told Page Six that Denise a liar.

The friend said, “Denise gets $52,000 a month tax-free in child support. Most people in America can figure out how to live on that, but Denise can’t?”

Denise also received $60,000 a month for two years in alimony from Charlie. She also gets a chunk from Charlie’s show, “Two And A Half Men.” She’s expected to make up to $25 million from the show.

That lying bitch! I mean, that lying RICH bitch! Who knew marrying Charlie Sheen was so lucrative? Yes, you have to deal with some fucked up, kinky shit, but it’s worth it! I might be able to stomach Charlie going doody on my no-no hole if I knew I would get millions in the end (pun intended). You know that bitch is into some dirty birdy crap.

Here’s some pictures of Denise outside TRL studios yesterday looking like a middle-aged, Tennessee stripper arriving in the big city to fulfill her lifelong dream of becoming a Rockette.

Denise Richards Gives Charlie Sheen Too Much Credit

The Lohans (see below) aren’t the ones whoring out a reality show. Denise Richards is also doing the talk show circuit to promote her own show. It also looks like White Oprah and Denise buy their fugly sunglasses at the same joint. Pimp moms must love looking like whore bees.

Denise was on “Today” this morning where she claimed that Charlie Sheen faked an e-mail she allegedly wrote to his girlfriend.

The e-mail said, “I am having a baby in the next year. By myself…my girlfriend suggested Charlie be the donor … Charlie and I have very beautiful healthy children together. I was strictly looking for a sperm donor if it’s any of your business.”

Denise said, “It’s a doctored e-mail. I would never send an e-mail to his ex-girl..um… girlfriend, and, at the time of that e-mail, I was with Richie Sambora. If I wanted anybody’s sperm, I’d have asked for Richie’s.” Richie still has sperm? Newsflash! Please, Charlie didn’t doctor that shit, because he doesn’t know how. The only thing he knows how to do on the computer is watch porn.

Shortly after her “Today” interview, Charlie issued this statement to People, “I will no longer sit back and be egregiously painted as a liar. If any proof can be established that these are not in fact her words and statements verbatim, I openly invite her and would even encourage Ms. Richards to sue me in a court of law. She had an opportunity to tell the truth. She did not. Here is the proof.”

The fucking drama. It’s like they are characters on “Dynasty.” They really should settle this the “Krystle and Alexis” way – catfight in a lilly pond!

Denise was also on “The View” today and Whoopi Goldberg called her ass out for whoring her kids out. Denise acted like a snotty bitch and asked Whoopi if she’s seen the first episode, because her kids aren’t in it that much.

Whoopi should have punched that robot call girl on the head. How dare she fuck with Whoopi! Clip below:

The Worst Bond Girl

Entertainment Weekly has named Denise Richards as Dr. Christmas Jones the worst Bond girl of all-time. I agree, but Pierce Brosnan did have the best Bond line ever thanks to Christmas Jones. It was at the end of the movie when Bond and Christmas are doing it on a building or something and he says, “I thought Christmas only came once.” I spit out my Mr. Pibb in the movie theater to that line.

Here’s the rest of the worst list:

10. Maud Adams as Octopussy in Octopussy
9. Lynn-Holly Johnson as Bibi Dahl in For Your Eyes Only
8. Lois Chiles as Holly Goodhead (amazing name) in Moonraker
7. Cary Lowell as Pam Bouvier in License to Kill
6. Britt Ekland as Mary Goodnight in The Man with the Golden Gun
5. Karin Dor as Helga Brandt in You Only Live Twice
4. Maryam D’Abo as Kara Milovy in The Living Daylights
3. Corrine Clery as Corrine Dufour in Moonraker
2. Tanya Roberts as Stacey Sutton in A View to a Kill
1. Denise Richards as Dr. Christmas Jones in The World is Not Enough

And the best:

10. Carole Bouquet as Melina Havelock in For Your Eyes Only
9. Jill St. John as Tiffany Case in Diamonds are Forever
8. Lotte Lenya as Rosa Klebb in From Russia with Love
7. Michelle Yeoh as Wai Lin in Tomorrow Never Dies
6. Famke Janssen as Xenia Onatopp in Goldeneye
5. Barbara Bach as Anya Amasova in The Spy Who Loved Me
4. Eva Green as Vesper Lynd in Casino Royale
3. Diana Rigg as Tracy Di Vicenzo in On Her Majesty’s Secret Service
2. Honor Blackman as Pussy Galore in Goldfinger
1. Ursula Andress as Honey Ryder in Dr. No

Where’s Grace Jones, Jane Seymour, Kim Basinger and Teri Snatcher?! Kim, Jane and Teri can all go on the worst list. Grace definitely needed to be on the best. She really should have played James Bond instead, but her Bond girl was one of my faves.

Denise as the worst is on point. Denise as a research scientist? She can’t even spell that.

Image: Rope of Silicon