These Belong In Hell

My extreme hate for CROCS knows no bounds, so when these evil things were brought to my attention, my eyeballs immediately queefed. I just had to share my pain with you.

I thought regular CROCS were something awful, but this fuggery is on a whole different level. I don’t know how long they’ve been making CROCS Winter boots, but production must be stopped immediately! I don’t give an eff if they feel like thousands of fluffy Persian kittens cuddling at your legs. They look like dried vomit chunks on a log made out of pink diarrhea. These things don’t belong in stores or on feet. They belong locked away in the depths of Hell. Wait….I just realized how I’m going to spend eternity. Fuck.

When I finally meet my maker, Satan, and he opens the door to the suite where my soul will rest forever, the room will be covered in CROCS from top to bottom. Then I’m going to glance over and see an autographed picture of my arch rival CHERL BURKE in a CROCS frame, sitting on a CROCS table, next time to my CROCS bed.

Speaking of Mop Head, here she is in front of her beautiful blue house in Los Angeles yesterday.

Maksim Thinks These Two Are Fat Asses

Once again, my arch rival CHERYL BURKE’S weight is up for discussion again. A little while ago Mop Head was crying about how H8RS were calling her meanie mean names like fat ass and chunk butt. A few “Dancing with the Has-Been” cast members came to her defense. Don’t include Louis van Amstel and oh-so-sexy Maksim Chmerkovskiy in that group. They think both CHERYL BURKE and Lacey Schwimmer need to stop eating cake frosting out of the container.

Maksim had this to say about Mop Head and Lacey: “When I first saw these women this season, I said, ‘Guys, you know the camera adds 10 pounds. You have to do something about this.”

This obviously didn’t stop Maksim from holding hands with Mop Head! Maybe he loves a little cushion for the pushin’. Shit. Pass me that jar of frosting.

Louis agrees and added that everyone gained some chunk because there was no summer tour. However, he thinks they have some kind of responsibility to be skinny. He said: “[People] look at this show to be inspired and think, ‘If I just work hard enough, I can look like that. “If they watch someone who’s dancing her butt off and she’s still heavy, they can be discouraged.”

PEOPLE! We are losing sight of the real issue here! Who cares if these two are fatty-bo-batties or not! The real issue is that Mop Head is sabotaging all the females on DWTS! Mop Head probably promised Maksim and Louis that she would clean their bathroom floors with her hair if they said those things. Their words have temporarily taken the spotlight off of her scheming ways!

Mop Head, you won’t get away with this! I have my eye on you and I’m not taking it off for any…..wait….did somebody say jar of frosting? Mmmm…..frosting….

Mop Head Strikes Again!

After last night’s taping of “Dancing with the Has-Beens,” Julianne Hough was taken to Cedars after complaining about stomach pains. Mormon baby alert! Or maybe, Mormon diarrhea alert!

Julianne’s spokesbitch tells People that she was feeling the pains all day and decided to get that shit checked out. Only Cedars knows how to pop a doody bubble the right way.

Misty fucks herself up and has to leave the show. Brooke messed up her ankle and now Julianne has a wonky stomach? Hmmmm…..CHERYL BURKE is more diabolical than I thought! She ruined Misty’s chances, because she couldn’t stand to see her with Maksim. Then she went after Brooke and Julianne because they are the frontrunners! This is just like “Showgirls.” SHOWMOPHEADS.

It’s funny that all these fragile young whores are dropping like flies, but Crazy Memaw Cloris is still standing. And you know CHERYL BURKE has already tried to spike her Metamucil with failed results. Those young bitches are weaklings. This just proves the fact that they don’t make them like they used to.

It Happened To The Wrong Burke

Brooke Burke jacked up her foot yesterday while rehearsing with her peen-loving “Dancing with the Has-Beens” partner Derek Hough. She probably tripped on his twinkle dust.

A spokeswhore for ABC tells People that Brooke put ice on her shit as soon as she was injured. They drove her ass to the hospital just to be safe. The docs said her foot isn’t broken, but they did say that her partner does love sweaty balls in his mouth.

Brooke only suffered a slight bruise and she will dance tonight!

This is the third injury of the season. Misty had to drop out after she effed her shit up.

The injury was obviously meant for CHERL BURKE, not Brooke Burke. The message must have gotten lost in translation. Actually, Cheryl probably had something to do with Brooke and Misty’s injuries. The Mop Head plays dirty and will do anything to win! Someone put the A-Team on Cloris. Mop Head is going after her next!

Fried Mop Head

My arch rival CHERYL BURKE did something new with her mop head for her 70s themed dance with Maurice Green on “Dancing with the Has-Beens” last night. The bitch can tease, AquaNet or fry that shit, it’s still a mop head underneath! Even Maurice is looking at her like, “Damn. I want to mop my bathroom floor with this ho’s head.”

CHERYL BURKE’S fried mop head kind of gross me out, because you know that’s what her natural chocha weeds look like.

Unfortunately, I think Cheryl and her electrocuted mop head are going to stay tonight. I think Smirnoff Ice and Rocco are going to dance their asses off this shit show tonight. Rocco dances the way I used to when I was trying to act straight in the 6th grade (HA!). Rocco’s extremely gay on the inside and trying so hard not to be. You can tell he felt extra fancy in that blouse he was wearing last night. I screamed at the TV, “Dance, girl! Dance your homo heart out!” But Rocco didn’t hear me, because he was still as stiff as an erect 8-inch dick. Clip below (skip to 2:45):