And It Took A Crowbar To Pry Their Eyelids Up

The air space over Grauman’s Chinese Theater in Hollywood was temporarily closed last night due to the toxic cloud of burnt polyester hair smoke, boiled Botox fumes and the hazardous fog that forms when Xtina smacks her lips together. It was the premiere of the soon-to-be multiple Razzie award winner Glitter Coyote Showgirls!!!

As Chaz Bono and his girlfriend Jennifer Ella looked on, Cher and Xtina (= Chertina, the most faaaaabulous narcotic on the streets) got all affectionate while hugging on each other. A team from poison control and the bomb squad had to stand by since even the world’s most experienced chemists didn’t know what would happen when that many chemicals rubbed together.

Well, all of us here already know what happens when that many chemicals rub together: A BOMB CALLED BURLESQUE IS BORN! No, I’m just joking. It’s not going to be a bomb. Besides, I can already see the reviews flashing before me: “Tons of fucking sequins!!!!” – Roger Ebert

CHER!!!! CHER!!!!

Why is it that the sight of an international legend made entirely of melted down sequins whose name starts with CH always make me run around my apartment screaming their name with a parade of sparkly exclamation points following behind me? If you ever want to send me into a gay tailspin, just show me a picture of Charo kissing Cher and hold your bowl out as the rainbow popcorn comes flying out of my ear holes. We’ll have to do that sometime.

So Vanity Fair slid next to CHER! CHER! CHER! and asked her about everything from Sarah Palin to aging to her son Chaz Bono. Cher never disappoints.

I could sit on a mahogany gothic throne from Cher’s Sanctuary catalog, put my fist under my chin and listen to her ass all day long. I wouldn’t even shift my fist a bit when the Botox in her face starts to harden and her assistant has to loosen it up a bit with a heat wand. Nope. I wouldn’t move.

Anyways, here’s Cher!

Cher on Sarah Palin: “I got so obsessed with [C-SPAN] that it was kind of interfering with my life. Sarah Palin came on, and I thought, Oh, fuck, this is the end. Because a dumb woman is a dumb woman.”

Cher on Arizona governor Jan Brewer: “She was worse than Sarah Palin, if that is possible. This woman was like a deer in headlights. She’s got a handle on the services of the state, and I would not let her handle the remote control.”

Cher on getting old: “I think Meryl [Streep] is doing it great. The stupid bitch is doing it better than all of us! But I don’t like it. It’s getting in my way. I have a job to do, and it’s making my job harder. I’ve been screaming at the top of my lungs at my family, ‘Work out! Work out! Old age is coming!’ At some point you will need the strength. Who would have ever thought you would get this old?”

Cher on paying taxes: “I would be willing to pay a lot more taxes, because I make a lot more money, but I don’t want to give them more to just fuck things up more. It really should fall on people like me to get together and do things to help the people in this country. If you’re not worrying about how to put food on your table, you [should be] worrying about why other people don’t have food on their table. I remember a great America where we made everything. There was a time when the only thing you got from Japan was a really bad cheap transistor radio that some aunt gave you for Christmas.”

Cher on Chaz: “If I woke up tomorrow in a guy’s body, I would just kick and scream and cry and fucking rob a bank, because I cannot see myself as anything but who I am—a girl. I would not take it as well as Chaz has. I couldn’t imagine it. She’s a very smart girl—boy! This is where I get into trouble. My pronouns are fucked. I still don’t remember to call her ‘him.’”

About that fucking up her pronouns things…. Cher shouldn’t flick herself in the taint for it. Hell, I’ve never had gender reassignment surgery and my mom does that to me all the time….and so does the bill collector on the other end of the line….and whoever is behind the drive-thru speaker. Call me “mam” as much as you fucking want as long as you make sure to put an extra slice of cheese on my Double Double!

via Page Six

Cher Shows Bitches How It’s Done

The dildo in the back of your office desk drawer (I know how you do) is more organic than Cher’s face and she needs the help of a puppeteer to move her mouth, but at 64 she still makes young whores run back to their high chairs to sit the hell down!

At last night’s VMAs, Cher proved that you don’t need to wear dresses made of tires, rain tarps and the back stock of a carniceria to get all spotlights on you. And you really don’t need 20 men to help your ridiculous ass get onto the stage. All you need is some mesh, a lot of chunky sequins and a Troy Polamalu wig made of silk yarn.

Cher tucked all her parts into her old “Turn Back Time” ensemble to present Video of the Year last night. Of course it went to Lady Caca, because that bitch won everything. And every time she gave one of her “love yourself” speeches, I felt like I was sitting in the back row at one of Tony Robbins’ self-help conferences.

This Could Be A Beautiful Piece of Shiny Crap

Dear Showgirls, Glitter, Beyond the Valley of the Dolls and Coyote Ugly, spray a little Jean Nate on your wet parts, because you’ve got company. Hopefully.

There might be a new piece of sequins-covered caca to enjoy on Starz at 3am when the only thing you need to keep down the drunk barfs is a big bowl of shit acting with a cup of body glitter. This is the new trailer for Burlesque, the movie where Xtina plays a small town girl in a gutter ass wig who moves to Hollywood to pursue her dream of becoming a superstar singer. Xtina’s character gets a job as a janitor or some shit at a burlesque club owned by Julie Masking (played by Cher’s wax figure on loan from Madame Tussauds).

We all know how it’s going to end. Xtina’s going to realize that her soul can’t handle Hollywood because it’s a town that “swallows you up and spits you out.” So Xtina, Cher and Alan Cumming will all pile into a blue convertible and travel cross country to compete in a drag show in NYC.

And not only can I not wait to see if Burlesque is bad enough to join the legendary works of art I listed above, but I also can’t wait to see the inevitable stage version performed by a bunch of drag queens Off-Off-Off-Off-Broadway.

via Moviefone

Two Drag Queens Crossing The Road

And here we have Xtina and Cher on the Los Angeles set of their movie Burlesque yesterday afternoon.

I’m sure these two are bonding like Kim Kardashian and a bed pan since they both don’t have pores on their face anymore. And also because they both have a faucet in their bathroom that only spews foundation piped in directly from the MAC Factory. They have a lot to talk about.

Wait, let’s do the Reverse Running Man back to subject of make-up. While I’m sure the entire Extreme Makeover: Home Edition team put enough plaster on Xtina’s face to cover every single house in a Phoenix subdivision, she does look kind of natural here. Did I just write the words “Xtina” and “natural” in the same sentence? Excuse me while I go look out my window for the four horsemen.