Martin Lawrence Celebrated Independence Day Together

So it looks like Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence aren’t exactly as done with each other as we thought. After supposedly calling it quits for the 1,407th time, People says that JLaw and The Melancholy Scarf reunited in New York City for Independence Day and spent a romantic weekend together. Damn, again with these two? This is getting to be some Groundhog Day Dick nonsense.

A source says that Martin Lawrence were spotted strolling around Central Park on Friday, and it didn’t appear to be the kind of walk that would lead to JLaw’s apartment so she could give him a cardboard box full of his crap that he left there.

“They were walking arm-in-arm, in a hurry it seemed. It looked like they were dressed for date night.”

Just because they were all gussied up doesn’t mean they were dressed up for date night. JLaw and Chris Martin are rich. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that they wear $2,000 worth of couture while picking up condoms and Doritos at CVS. But “date night” wasn’t the only time Martin Lawrence was spotted this weekend.

Just saw Jennifer Lawrence and the dude from Coldplay riding their bikes lol!

— Chef Bol (@Nick_Bun) July 4, 2015

“The dude from Coldplay.” Jonny Buckland, Guy Berryman, and Will Champion just turned to their significant others and swore it wasn’t them. I’m sure one of them doesn’t believe it and is suspiciously smelling his dick for pizza at this very moment (pizza works like pineapples, right?).

JLaw really did the Fourth of July dirty. Independence Day is America’s freedom from England, and this is how she celebrates? By surrendering her coochie to Chris Martin again? She could have at least waited a couple days and given her katniss a full weekend of freedom. It’s what Uncle Sam would have wanted.

Pics: Splash

Emma Stone Describes Andrew Garfield As “So Poetic”

Some people get nauseous on planes, others get sick in the car. Personally, I get a strong case of the heaves every time someone dims the lights and starts shamelessly word jerking off their boyfriend or girlfriend. If you’re anything like me, you’ll want to grab a paper bag before you continue reading, because Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield’s words about each other will make you feel all sorts of barfy.

Despite the fact that they might be done with each other, Emma Stone is still talking about Andrew Garfield, and not in the “Him? NEXT QUESTION” way. During a recent interview with Diane Keaton for Interview magazine, Emma was asked about a quote from Andrew where he described working with Emma as being “like diving into a thrilling, twisting river and never holding on to the sides…Spontaneous. In the moment. Present. Terrifying. Vital. The only way acting with someone should be.” First of all, EW. But second of all, double EW at Emma’s response:

“He is such a poet. [laughs] But that’s the way he writes in general. So I hear it and of course my heart swells up. And I also know that he writes things like that on a daily basis. Yes, he does. He’s so poetic.”

George Clooney just whipped out a pad of paper and started taking notes.

The closest I’ve ever come to being called poetic was the time a dude told me I smelled like a used book store, so part of me is a little jealous of the way Emma is talking about Andrew. But the other part of me is like, good god girl, get a grip – he compared you a river. Not to mention it sounded a little Twilight-y, which I believe would technically classify it as ‘pooetic’.

Speaking of poetic, here’s Emma giving 8 layers of ARTSY EMOTION for Interview:

The Madewell Version Of Robsten Are Officially Over

After several weeks of nervously clutching their brass prayer beads, your 15-year old Teen Vogue-reading cousins can finally let out that long wail of sadness and pour out a bottle of Marc Jacobs Daisy perfume onto a pair of their favorite high-waisted black skinny jeans, because UsWeekly says their pseudo-hipster Prince and Princess, Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield, are OVER. It was originally reported that Blythe’s ginger cousin and Baby Bob Ross were on a break (yes I just re-read that in Ross’s voice), but now a “source” is saying they’ve officially called it quits on each other:

“[She’s] ended things and moved back to L.A. It’s finished. It’s not just a break.”

Another “source” (damn those gossipy blabbermouths at Madewell) claims that Andrew’s commitment to method acting as a 17th-century Jesuit for Martin Scorsese’s upcoming film Silence was one of the reasons she packed up her ankle boots and left:

“He’d been in a dark place for months, getting into his role. He wasn’t being the best partner.”

My only knowledge of Jesuits comes from what I learned during a high school class trip to a place called Sainte-Marie among the Hurons, and all I really remember is a blacksmith named Steve who was a dead ringer for Dean from FUBAR, so I don’t know if pretending to be a Jesuit is a deal-breaker or not. But I’ll assume so, since method acting anything from the 17th-century probably means smelling like hot swamp ass. They didn’t have ‘poo back in the 17th-century, right? No wonder he’s been in a dark place! I would be too if I kept catching whiffs of toxic stank mouth and realized it was coming from my beard.

Chris Martin And Jennifer Lawrence Are Still Doing It

Sidenote: it looks like everything Chris Martin is wearing in the picture above was pulled by his stylist from a Chris Martin starter kit. I have never seen him look more Chris Martin-y. The only thing missing is a summerweight scarf and a bottle of Xanax for when he needs to feel more alert (when you’re a human nap, everything works like an upper).

You would think that the first thing you’d want to do upon returning home from a conscious uncoupling anniversary vacation with Gwyneth Paltrow would be to dive head-first into a pile of Frito Pie or wrap yourself in a 100% polyester polar fleece blanket (I’ve heard saying the words “polar fleece” in Goopy’s house will get you slapped with a lifetime ban), but Page Six says he hauled ass to New York City to kill those Kate Hudson rumors by taking Jennifer Lawrence on a date in Central Park.

A source says they had lunch at Tavern on the Green and then walked through Strawberry Fields holding hands. Then on Sunday, People says Martin Lawrence met up at New Jersey’s Teterboro Airport and flew somewhere. Or maybe they just fucked in first class while the pilot drove aimlessly around the tarmac for a couple hours, who knows? Either way, this shit sounds like an episode of The Bachelor.

People’s source adds that Chris Martin talks to JLaw daily while she’s away filming Joy in Boston and that they are still ‘going strong’. “Is that a challenge?” thought Kate Hudson’s musician-snatching coochie.

Here’s the lady half of Martin Lawrence leaving her hotel in NYC on Saturday.

Pics: Splash

Emma Stone And Andrew Garfield Might Be Over

After almost four years together, the Madewell version of Robsten (I’m sure my inbox is filling up with “Subject: YOU SKANK BITCH” emails courtesy of those last few die-hard Twihards for that one) might be calling it quits. According to Star (via Hollywood Life), 26-year-old Emma Stone and 31-year-old Andrew Garfield are taking a break from each other. I know, if Spider Man and Spider Man’s girlfriend can’t make it work, what hope do the rest of us have?

Even though they seemed like a match made in pap-shaming heaven, a source (a gossipy mouse that lives in Andrew Garfield’s beard) says they’ve been drifting apart for a while now. The source also says that when Andrew blamed being a no-show at the Golden Globes and the Oscars on filming, he was being a lie-telling liar:

“Yes, Andrew was filming but he could have gotten away if he really wanted to. The fact was, neither one of them wanted to plaster on a smile and pretend everything was OK when it wasn’t.”

Currently they’re “taking some time apart to figure things out”, but anyone who has ever tried going on a break knows that a “break” is usually the fart that leads to a dump, so we’ll see what happens. In the mean time, you might want to set up a makeshift prayer shrine using a bunch of red headed Blythe dolls and a Garfield candle (everyone has one of those, right?) just in case. I mean, any excuse to pull out that exquisite Garfield candle, right?

People Are Not Happy That There Will Be Two Bachelorettes On “The Bachelorette”

Because I make poor life choices, I watched all 900 hours of The Bachelor finale last night (my brain is still refusing to speak to me). Just like every Bachelor finale, sometime towards the end of that mess, ABC’s version of Ryan Seacrest Chris Harrison went to announce the next bachelorette and revealed a SHOCKING twist; that the upcoming season of The Bachelorette would feature not one, but TWO desperate tricks competing for a 10-week fiance.

The two new bachelorettes, named Kaitlyn Bristowe and Britt Nilsson, appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live! after the finale last night and neither seemed that psyched about the idea of fighting over the same dudes. And it looks like they’re not alone; UsWeekly found that people on Twitter, including past Bachelor and Bachelorette contestants, thought it was a dumb decision and weren’t having it. This isn’t the first time The Bachelor has pulled a stunt queen move like this; back in season 6 they started out with two bachelors and let the ladies choose who they wanted to fight over before they eliminated one.

The Bachelor/Bachelorette is about as boring as a trip to the blinds store and back, so I personally don’t mind that they’re pulling a stunt queen move like this. Two bachelorettes is good, but if they really want to spice things up, they should replace the roses with giant rose-shaped pugil sticks and end each episode with the two of them fighting American Gladiator-style.

And in case you want to see who won an engagement ring last night, here’s the future UsWeekly “IT’S OVER!” cover stars Chris Soules and Whitney Bischoff grossing it up at GMA this morning:

Pics: Splash