In what is surely wonderful news for Billy Bush, Billy Bush can now confirm that his hard work paid off (ie. his last name was Bush), and he got that job that he was rumored to be getting. And don’t think that you’re about to see the same Billy Bush forcing a smile while talking to whatever celebrity was booked that day while secretly wondering if the audience is whispering about that time he fucked up. That might be good enough for the Mario Lopez’s of the primetime entertainment news world. But not Billy – at least according to Billy.
It’s been over two years since Billy Bush was fired from Today for his smarmy role in Pussygate AKA the scandal that launched a million pink pussy knit hats. Since then the fallen apple of the Bush Dynasty (which is sadly not a delicious Chinese Restaurant) has gotten divorced, helped his daughter through sobriety, and been on a voyage of self-discovery with Tony Robbins. Now he’s ready to end his exile and find a way to weasel his way back onto the small screen. Lucky for Billy, Extra has announced that they are moving from NBC to Fox this autumn, and they are looking for a pro-pussy grabbing host to join the team.
Yammering pair of GAP jeans Billy Bush struck a blow for womankind when he only pretended to laugh at our future president’s comments about grabbing pussies without permission during an Access Hollywood bus jaunt over a decade ago. You see, he figured if he encouraged the lying bag of farts, the lying bag of farts would make with more of the creeper talk, ruining any future hopes of becoming POTUS! *crickets* Yeah, Billy Bush’s wife Sydney didn’t buy that either. TMZ reports that she’s filed for divorce, citing “irreconcilable differences.” That’s because you can’t write “I have a vagina, I listened to that tape, you do the math, Your Honor.” on the form.
Billy Bush, my third favorite Bush after Barbara Sr. and the lower end of Burt Reynolds’ treasure trail in that Cosmo centerfold, appeared on Real Time with Bill Maher last night. And it wasn’t just to talk about how much he misses taking in Kathie Lee Giffords’ Chardonnay vapors on Today. He was there to ‘splain why he didn’t shoot down Donald Trump when he talked of his favorite cat-like place on a woman to grab. Duh, it’s all about the cash.
One of the more head-scratching things to come out of last months (and that’s saying a lot, since 2017 has most hair follicles hanging on for dear life) was Donald Trump’s claim that the tape of him bragging about grabbing pussies during a 2005 interview with Access Hollywood was fake. Well, Trump’s enthusiastic co-star in the tape, Billy Bush, wrote an op-ed piece for The New York Times in which he informed Trump that the voice on the tape is his.
Somebody tried to murder Billy Bush with a golf ball to the head and there is no clear evidence disproving that it wasn’t one Donald J. Trump. Ok, I may the only one suggesting that as a hypothetical possibility but you were all thinking it when you read the headline. Don’t lie. I know that accusing a sitting president of an assassination attempt on the life of a private citizen is both incredibly stupid and dangerously inflammatory but hear me out: It’s a joke! Did you hear that CIA? A joke. I was only kidding. Making fun of a public figure. I think it’s still allowed. Jesus, I hope it’s still allowed or I’m toast. The truth is that Billy Bush really did get clobbered by a golf ball.