And Now It’s Time For A Song!

Here’s Amy Wino croaking, cracking and crowing at the Jazz Cafe in London a couple of weeks ago. Wino actually sounds good….if you put a Tempur-pedic pillow over your speakers and stuff pieces of eggcrate foam into your ear holes. But if you’re someone who likes the sounds of a goat exorcism, then do it raw!

via ONTD

This Isn’t Going To End Well

The inside of Amy Wino’s house probably already looks like something out of the Texas Chainsaw Massacre (but more corpses and way more jugs of homemade booze), so imagine what that shit will turn into if Dreamboat Doherty moves his mess in with her. Their mutual stank will rise into the sky and form a signal to all roaches far and wide. So if you see a parade of roaches heading towards the Atlantic Ocean for the UK you now know why. No need to RAID their asses. They are headed for the promise land.

The Sun reports that Wino is currently renovating her Casa de Crackery in Camden and wants Dreamy to stay with her. A source said, “Amy has offered Pete a place to stay while he’s in London working on The Libertines comeback. She thinks a lot of him and they’ve been through a lot together so she wants to help him out. But pals are worried because they are bad influences on each other.”

If Wino and Dreamy live under the same roof, their kitchen cupboards will be completely empty except for broken light bulbs, burnt rolling papers, melted ice pops, random pube hairs, alley cat whiskers and half-filled mini bar booze bottles. Both Wino and Dreamy only clean their crotches once a month with a garden hose, so they will use the tub for a giant barf bin. Actually, that kind of sounds like a non-stop party. Do they need a third roommate?

But seriously, we all know what happened one of the last times these two wrecks got together?

On a positive note, at least they won’t ever have to worry about a rodent infestation, because no mouse is going to go near that house.

Squeeze Out That Doody Bubble, Wino!

Where was Bobby Brown’s expert doody bubble poppin’ finger when Wino really needed him, because last night in London she was sticking her elbow-ey ass out like she was trying to woo a jar of Fleet.

After watching The Libertines reunion show, Wino gave the paparazzi an entire photo spread for Playboy’s Constipated Beauties of London issue (don’t put it past Hef) in the doorway of a hotel. I might be high from the 100 proof fumes jumping off these pictures, but I actually think she looks good here. But then again, the ass poppin’ (replace the first “p” with an “o” if you want to go all the way) and “I Can Haz BM?” poses might be distracting me.

Wino Cleaned Up!

Earlier I posted a few pictures of the former Crackie of Camden Amy Wino looking like she just rolled herself out of the sewer after unsuccessfully wrassling a gang of drunk rats for the last drop of sweet nectar in a Jim Beam bottle. Even the homeless crackheads were passing her a few dollars from their daily earnings.

But it’s a new damn night in London, because here’s Wino standing upright and showing off her rent-to-own titty balls at the opening of a new bar with her boyfriend Reg Traviss. Yeah, at the opening of a bar…. I guess officials in the area should let every park bench know to brace themselves just in case.

Wino, Wino, Wino….

If you look outside your window you might see Brit Brit Spears attacking inanimate objects with an umbrella and Parasite Hilton crying whore tears of injustice while being dragged away by the police, because apparently it’s 2007 all over again! Case in point: The Sun published a picture of Amy Wino broke off and dozed off on a park bench in London at 9:30 yesterday morning. Wino is sprawled out like she’s about to give birth to a liver that reeks of a bar back’s dish rag. Or maybe Wino is just sunning her whiskey bloat.

The Sun says that Wino collapsed on top of the park bench after a tour of drunkery which spanned several neighborhoods, lasted 16 hours and included appearances by Mischa Barton and Russell Brand’s dad Ron. A source said that Wino’s booze binge started because she had a fight with her boyfriend Reg Traviss.

Wino tried to keep the foolery going past 9am, but a cab driver said she eventually passed out. The cabbie said, “She was totally gone. She’d no idea what she was doing. She said her boyfriend had no respect for her and was blubbing away – I gave her a tissue. A car nearly hit her as she walked in the road. It had to brake really hard.”

When Wino peeled herself off the bench, she did the drunk walk to her house, where she sat on the steps and brought the raw drunk emotion during a phone call.

I put all the blame on those ballet slippers! They are like the Red Shoes, but instead of making Wino bust out the dance steps, they make her bust the booze into her froat! I bet those slippers were a gift to Wino from the alcohol industry. I see their tricks.

And you might not even be reading this since you’re probably broke off and dozed off on top of your office desk right now.

La Crackaracha! La Crackaracha!

The air in Camden was filled with the familiar aroma of foot cheese, lice guts and whiskey-infused mocos yesterday when Amy Wino hit her old snorting grounds. Even though Wino looked like a junked up Lolita who got a job as a donkey show emcee in Mexico to help fund her Special K habit, she was on her best behavior last night! Not one bitch lost their cheek and none of the hospitals in the area reported a zombification. BOOOOO!!!