London Officials Launch A New Inquest Into The Death Of Amy Winehouse

On Amy Winehouse’s death certificate, it says that her official cause of death is “death by misadventure,” which sort of makes it sound like she died in a water raft accident with The Rescuers. But it means that there were no illegal drugs found in her system and she wasn’t the victim of foul play. Amy Winehouse died of accidental alcohol poisoning….maybe. Over a year after her death, the coroner’s inquest into the death of Amy Winehouse will be reheard.

The Camden New Journal says the reason is because Suzanne Greenway, the assistant deputy coroner who ran the inquiry into Amy’s death, doesn’t really have the qualifications needed to fill the position and all of us could probably beat her in a game of Operation. Suzanne apparently only got the job, because she was slurping on the right peen. She’s married to Andrew Reid, a fellow coroner who gave her the position. They’ve both resigned.

Since Suzanne Greenway didn’t have the experience needed to officially declare a cause of death, London officials are launching a new inquest to make sure nothing was missed. Amy Winehouse’s family says that they have nothing to do with the new inquest. The new inquest will be heard on January 8, 2013.

Suzanne Greenway was totally wrong, obviously, and when the new inquest is finally heard, officials will correct Amy Winehouse’s death certificate and state that her official cause of death is: BLAAAAAAAAAKE!

BLAAAAAAAKE Is In A Coma

Blake Fielder-Civil, the Sid to Amy Winehouse’s Nancy, is sitting on the stoop in front of death’s door today after a booze and bad shit binge put him in a coma. Sarah Aspin, Blake’s girlfriend and the mother of his 15-month-old son, tells The Sun (via NME) that she found him choking on his own vom in bed and she immediately called for an ambulance. Several of Blake’s internal organs failed and so doctors put him in a medically induced coma.

A source tells The Sun that after visiting with his probation officer, Blake met up with a friend and together they swallowed a lake full of the sweet nectar and it’s not known what kind drugs he did, but apparently he bought a packet of heroin and some morphine earlier in the day. Sarah says that Blake came stumbling through the door, slurred out a few words and immediately went to bed. At 6 the next morning, she found him having a MAN DOWN CODE 10 situation. Sarah went on to say:

“The doctors say they don’t know the prognosis. They said they put him in a coma to help him and due to infection. I’m praying he’ll survive, but I’m having to prepare myself that he may never wake up. I am devastated, just devastated, at what has happened. I just want to cry all the time — but I have to be strong for our son Jack.”

Amy’s dad, Mitch Winehouse, went on Twitter (yes, of course, he’s on Twitter) this morning and asked his daughter’s fans to say a little prayer for Blake.

If only Amy Winehouse was still here, she’d scream “BLAAAAAAAAAAY AAAAAAAAY AAAAAAAAAAAY AAAAAAAAKE” so loud that his eyes would snap open.

Amy Winehouse Boozed Her Way To Death

Mitch Winehouse said a while ago that the Coroner informed the family that his daughter Amy Winehouse did not have heroin, cocaine, meth or anything else found in Lindsay Lohan’s first-aid kit in her system at the time of her death. Mitch put on his crime solvin’ hat and said that he believes his daughter got a piggyback ride from the Grim Reaper to the heavens, because she started drinking alcohol after a long break from the bottle. Mitch can give himself the saddest pat on the back ever, because he’s right.

The coroner held a hearing this morning in London and explained that Amy had “416mg of alcohol per 100ml of blood.” 350mg of booze is considered lethal and 80mg is the legal limit for driving in the UK. The coroner was told by Amy’s family and doctors that she had quit drinking for two weeks straight and she started up again just a few days before her death. There were three empty bottles found in her bedroom. The coroner went on to say, “She had consumed sufficient alcohol at 416mg per decilitre (of blood) and the unintended consequence of such potentially fatal levels was her sudden and unexpected death.”

The coroner declared Amy Winehouse’s cause of death as “death by misadventure.” “Death by misadventure” sounds like equal parts sad and strangely whimsical. Like the last title of a The Rescuers movie. I’m probably going to breathe my last breath into my Prince Hot Ginge blow-up doll while surrounded by my cat’s children, but I still hope “death by misadventure” is written on my death certificate. RIP Amy. You lived by misadventure and died by misadventure.

UPDATE: I must have 350mg of booze in my system, because Mitch Winehouse actually said before that he believes Amy died of alcohol withdrawal. Mitch never said that he believes she died of drinking the sweet nectar after a break. So take back that sad pat, Mitch.

via Metro

Amy Winehouse Was Not On The Bad Shit At The Time Of Her Death

The blood veins in Amy Winehouse’s body were not flowing with narcotics of the illegal kind when she rode on a dirty ballet slipper up to the giant weave hive in heaven. That’s what Amy’s family tells Reuters. They say that the toxicology reports have come back and not one dollop of the illegal (key word: illegal) bad shit was found in her system, but booze was. Amy’s family put out this statement:

“Toxicology results returned to the Winehouse family by authorities have confirmed that there were no illegal substances in Amy’s system at the time of her death. Results indicate that alcohol was present but it cannot be determined as yet if it played a role in her death.”

Scotland Yard tells TMZ that a Bloodhound dog in a bobby hat has yet to deliver the report to them (that’s how their reports get delivered, right?).

Mitch Winehouse has already said that he didn’t think Amy’s lips touched a crack pipe for a while before her death, so this report has put him one step closer to getting an honorary monocle from Detective La Toya Jackson. However, Mitch Winehouse has also said that he thinks Amy died of sudden booze withdrawal since she quit the bottle cold turkey, so that honorary monocle has just taken one step back. Don’t let that stop you, Mitch. Keep on getting down to the BOTTOM OF EVERYTHING.

Amy Winehouse Was Supposed To Become Somebody’s Mother

St. Lucia was Amy Winehouse’s second home and during most of 2009 you could find her there spending time with the locals or snatching glasses of the sweet nectar off of tables. The Sunday Mirror says that Amy was so at one with the people of St. Lucia that she was in the final stages of adopting a 10-year-old girl named Dannika Augustine. The thing is, Dannika isn’t some orphan who lives in a cave off the beach with stray dogs and sells bracelets made out of her own hair to tourists. No, Dannika lives with her mother and grandmother, which makes this even weirder.

Dannika’s mother is out of work and is struggling to feed her daughter, so Amy was going to save the day. Both of Dannika’s parents were going to sign off on the adoption once Amy’s lawyers finished up putting together the papers. Amy was also planning to move to St. Lucia so she could spend as much time as possible with Dannika before the adoption became official.

Dannika told The Mirror, “Amy was already my mother. I would call her mum and she would call me her ­daughter. She took care of me and we had fun together. I loved her and she loved me. She was the most amazing person and I was looking forward to living with her here or in London. I cannot believe she is gone. This is the worst thing that ever happened to me.”

Something tells me that Dannika would’ve also said that last line if Amy did adopt her ass.

Amy was not in a state to take care of a taxidermy turtle let alone a living, breathing human child. Dannika would’ve had to figure out real quick how to make soup out of weave cheese and dirty ballet slippers. Seriously, Child Protective Services would’ve opened up an office in front of Amy’s house. That’s why there’s something off about this. If Amy’s heart beat something special for Dannika, why didn’t she just send her a check every month instead of adopting the kid?

I’m no Detective La Toya, but I’m pretty sure Dannika’s family is trying to pull some coins out of Mitch Winehouse’s pocket by trying to pull his heart strings. Joke’s on their asses, though. Mitch Winehouse doesn’t have heart strings anymore, thankyouverymuch. He already pulled those strings out and used ’em to tie up stacks of Amy’s money to the bottom of his bed so Blaaaaake can’t get to that shit. Ha and ha.

More Words Of Wisdom From Spaz de la Huerta

This mess needs no introduction, so without further adieu(doo) here’s what Spaz de la Huerta said to The New York Observer (via Jezebel) about the death of Amy Winehouse:

“Look what just happened to Amy Winehouse! Maybe had she not seen so many bad pictures of herself she would have gotten more self esteem and not been so self-destructive.”

If you threw those words into a bowl, sprinkled a packet of sense on top, let it bubble a bit and then shoved it back in Paz’s mouth, she would probably say something like, “Look what just happened to Amy Winehouse. Maybe if the media didn’t publish pictures of her looking like a damn raggedy mess, she would’ve felt better about herself and wouldn’t have smoked crack.” Or something like that. It still doesn’t make sense to me since the crack came long before the messy pictures. Maybe Paz simply meant that Amy needed more Glamour Shots in her life. That’s what she meant, obviously.

Here’s the grease bubble of crazy that is Spaz at the premiere of The Devil’s Double in NYC the other night. I know what you’re thinking, but Spaz has never ever ever ever ever been caught looking like a drunk skid mark, thankyouverymuch.