NBC Suspended Billy Bush And His “Today” Co-Workers Don’t Care

The Today show is a little less smug this morning, because annoying ventriloquist’s dummy Billy Bush isn’t on and won’t be on indefinitely. Because of that recording from 2005 of Billy Bush laughing as Donald Trump bragged about grabbing pussy without permission, NBC announced yesterday that they have suspended him from Today as they investigate. Please, that’s just PR talk for: “We’ve sent Billy Bush on a paid vacation until that tape of Trump saying the N-word comes out and that pussy grabbing disaster is nothing but a distant memory.”

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Those Messes From The Today Show Ruined “The Peanuts” For Everyone

Those damn Santa Ana winds (Note: If you’re a weather-themed drag queen looking for a name, consider Santa Ana Winds.) must’ve swept in some serious shit, because my allergies are acting up like Justin Bieber during a Norwegian TV performance. I’ve been overdosing on Benadryl, so when I first saw these pictures of the Today hosts in Peanuts drag for Halloween, I thought the medicine kicked on the “hallucination” switch in my brain. This is what it would look like if those mutant creatures from The Hills Have Eyes disguised themselves as Peanuts characters to lure children into their cave. I have three words for this: MWA MWA MWA?! That’s Peanuts grown-up talk for “WHY, GOD, WHY?!”

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St. Angie Jolie Has No Comment About Being Called A “Minimally Talented Spoiled Brat” In Hacked Sony Emails

By the way, that screen shot is the moment when Al Roker sharted during their interview.

When Amy Adams made it clear that she didn’t want to talk about the Sony hacking scandal and eventually said she’d spit out a “no comment” if asked about it, the Today show producers canceled her interview and showed her ass the exit door. But the saintly ass-kissing producers know not to do that to the most powerful deity in the world, St. Angie Jolie, because if they pulled that shit with her, Today would be canceled and the producers would be lucky to get a job on a public access morning show in Lost Springs, Wyoming.

Angie spent a piece of her New Year’s doing an interview with Today’s Al Roker and when he asked her about being bashed by Scott Rudin in those hacked emails, she had zero comment. I guess she figured that she doesn’t need to talk about it since she’s already punished Scott Rudin by banishing him to the middle of the desert Sarah-style. But St. Angie did talk about other HIGHLY IMPORTANT shit like being pox’d and her cooking skills:

On her cooking skills: I would love to think of myself as the classic mom at home. I’m one of those people that I’ll learn some random, exotic meal from… I can do a really interesting Afghan dish with eggplant, but I don’t know how to make basic spaghetti. I’m just that person.

On directing Brad Pitt in their own Eyes Wide Shut called By The Sea: It was great. You get nervous because you love somebody and you want to help them. As a director, you want to help your actor. As a wife, you really want to help your husband. You want everything to be right for them. But if you work with the person you love and trust most in this world, it’s pretty great.

On getting chickenpox: It was so absurd. What was even stranger, during the day before, I was doing interviews and I was like, “What is happening?!” It was really fun that my kids took the mantle. They took it very seriously when I said, “You’ve got to represent mom.”

On not getting any Golden Globe nominations for Unbroken: We’ve had some lovely responses and lovely accolades, but nothing beats the audience responding to it. When you make this kind of film, all the other stuff is wonderful, but it really means nothing if the audience doesn’t connect to it. Because this film is made for them. That would’ve been heartbreaking for us if we didn’t connect to the audience, so we’re over the moon.

Leave it to St. Angie Jolie to commit the first “Over the Moon” violation of 2015. She just had to drag that shit into the new year. She should be punished for that one. But then again she was already punished by getting Al Roker as her interviewer. Not Hoda, not Tamron, not Willie, not Natalie and not even Savannah. Angie got the weather guy. I guess it could’ve been worse, though. She could’ve gotten the douchebag full of lukewarm smugness that is Matt Lauer.

Tuck Game: D Minus

For 364 days out of the year, Matt Lauer has to put a suit over the ladies panties and bra he usually wears, but since it’s Halloween he gets to do a slow motion jog out of his dressing room as the sexy lady he wants to fuck over and over again.

This morning, the hos of Today all did themselves up like “iconic” TV characters and since Matt will never pass up an opportunity to put on a women’s Spandex one piece, he dressed up as C.J. Parker from Baywatch complete with a pair of rubber bowls that look more natural than what’s on Pamela Anderson’s chest. It’s a miracle that the producers of Today somehow managed to tear Matt away from the full-length mirror in his dressing room, because when he saw himself done up like that, he couldn’t stop staring while pinching his rubber nipples and caressing his padded ass.

I am totally disappointed that next to “tuck game” on his costume report card, I have to give him an almost failing grade. Unless he’s trying to say that C.J. Parker has a pair of low-hanging carne asada curtains and six clits, his crotch area is a total mess. Every intern at Today who Matt has flashed is probably giggling at this, because they know that he doesn’t have much to tuck yet his tuck game was still whack. But I’m sure Matt made up for it later when he spotted himself in the mirror again and was so turned on by himself that he tucked his stuff all the way between his legs while trying to stick the tip in his b-hole.

As for the other tricks from Today, Willie Geist went as The Hoff, Kathie Lee Gifford went as a Lucille Ball-looking ass Wilma Flinstone, Hoda Kotb went as Betty Rubble, wet piece of cardboard Savannah Guthrie went as a Barbara Walters-looking ass Laverne, Natalie Morales went as Shirley, Carson Daly went as Jon from CHiPs and Al Roker went as Mr. T. Carmen Electra, Erik Estrada and Vanilla Ice were also there, because what else do they have to do?

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com