Over the weekend, Jackass’ Bam Margera was hospitalized in West Chester, PA after he says a crazed bitch with a bat beat him in the back of the head over and over again. No, the bat-wielding lunatic’s name is not Karma or Pebbles. The Jackass beater is 59-year-old Elizabeth Ray who lives near Bam’s bar where the attack went down. Bam has gotten more blows to the head than Gerard Butler, and the one that takes him out was delivered by a 59-year-old woman?! That is poetry in motion.

Bam was released from the hospital and is expected to make a full recovery. Elizabeth however will have to show her face in court today. Bam’s mother says that Elizabeth has come at Bam before, because the loud ass music playing in his bar keeps her up at night. Bam’s mother went on to say that he didn’t do anything to provoke Elizabeth, “She hit him over the head with a baseball bat, and she hit him while he was walking to his car. There was no fight. She’s just crazy and gives him a hard time all the time.”

Well, this time Elizabeth gave Bam a hard time he’ll never forget.

Elizabeth swears that she’s innocent and claims Bam threw the n-word at her, “He called me the n-word. I’m innocent, and he’s a jackass, just like his movies.”

Don’t ask me why Elizabeth just didn’t pick up her rotary phone and sic the cops on the bar. Maybe she thinks it’s more effective if she runs down there in her housecoat and Garfield slippers to wave a bat at a bitch. You know how those crazy people are.

Just like one time one of my downstairs neighbors knocked on my door to complain about me “walking too hard” on the floor. When I opened up the door, there was his pepaw-looking ass in a red silk robe and no chonies on underneath. Old dude’s peen kept bobbing in and out like a scared turtle. And his nostril hairs were so long that he could’ve flossed his bottom teeth with that mess. Needless to say, I covered my floors with egg crates and only wore socks inside so that I would never ever have to see that prune peen again.

Elizabeth should look my old neighborhood up and send him over to Bam’s bar. Dude knows how to kill a party quick.

via RTTNews

Dita Von Teese (37)
Frankie Jonas (9)
Hilary Duff (22)
Melody Thornton (25)
Bam Margera (30)
Naomi Watts (41)
Carré Otis (41)
Mira Sorvino (42)
Ginger Fish (43)
Moon Unit Zappa (42)
Janeane Garofolo (45)
Suzanne Whang (47)
John Sayles (59)
Jeffrey Jones (63)
Brigitte Bardot (75)

Dita Von Teese (36)
Frankie Jonas (8)
Hilary Duff (21)
Melody Thornton (24)
Bam Margera (29)
Young Jeezy (31)
Naomi Watts (40)
Carre Otis (40)
Mira Sorvino (41)
Moon Unit Zappa (41)
Janeane Garofolo (44)
Suzanne Whang (46)
John Sayles (58)
Brigitte Bardot (74)

Papa Joe must be patting himself on the back fat this morning for getting his daughter on the cover of People Magazine. The photographer and his staff should win some award for getting Jessica Simpson to pose without her mouth looking like a fly trap. It probably took a few yards of chicken wire and gorilla glue to keep her insect hole shut for that long. The photographer also held a little birdie over the camera. Jessica was so transfixed with it that she closed her teeth. Good job!

The article is just as vomit-inducing as the cover line. I’m sure Jessica stole some of her statements from a Barry Manilow song.

In the issue, she queefs about her perfectly staged relationship with Tony Romo, “I just told him today, ‘You’re the love of my life,’ I don’t really ever say that to anybody.” This bubblehead probably forgets her own name regularly, so I doubt she remembers what she told some tool hours before. Somewhere in the world Nick Lachey, John Mayer, Dane Cook, Adam Levine and Bam Margera are rolling their eyes.

The big-tittied frog is so serious about Romo that she’s changed her e-mail address and cell number. “I don’t want anybody that’s been in my life [before] in my life anymore. I don’t even want them to have any way of contacting me.” Getting a hold of Jessica is easy. Just open up a jar of flies and that ho will come calling.

She goes on to say that Romo hasn’t done the same thing for her, but she’s not “a jealous girl.” No, just a dumb one.

Finally, Jessica mouth farts about how she dealt with her break-up from John Mayer. “I had to regain self-esteem and self-value. I just love, so I don’t understand when people can’t do exactly what I do.”

Okay, I think I figured out where she got all these quotes. She totally stole them from my sister’s 6th grade diary. No offense to my sister.

Here’s Jess wearing curtains stolen from a Cracker Barrel while performing at Niagara Falls Fallsview Casino (HA!) last night.

Dita Von Teese (35)
Hilary Duff (20)
Melody Thornton (23)
Bam Margera (28)
Naomi Watts (39)
Carre Otis (39)
Mira Sorvino (40)
Moon Unit Zappa (40)
Janeane Garofolo (43)
Suzanne Whang (45)
John Sayles (57)
Brigitte Bardot (73)

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