The Newest Streaming Service Paramount+ Will Offer Up A Ton Of New Shows Including A “Fatal Attraction” Series And The “Frasier” Revival

If you’re like me, then every month when you look at your credit card bill and see charges for Netflix, HBO Max, Hulu, Amazon Prime, Disney+, Shudder, Showtime, Starz, Showgirls+Max+ (that’s a streaming service that just shows Showgirls on a loop), and LookAtYourLifeChoices+ (it turns on your TV’s built-in cam and shows you staring blankly at the screen for just $9.99 a month), you think to yourself, “You know, I could use another streaming service.” Well, ViacomCBS has granted your wish! They are launching the streaming service Paramount+ and have pulled all the tricks to try to lure in your credit card number.

Paramount+ is offering up revivals that will scratch everyone’s nostalgia itch (FYI, there is already an ointment for that), will release new movies 45 days after coming out in theaters, and is feeding those who love to hate-watch the remake of classics. Something for everyone!

ViacomCBS currently has the streaming service CBS All Access, but on March 4, CBS All Access will become Paramount+. It will be filled with over 20,000 episodes of television from all Viacom networks like BET, CBS, Comedy Central, MTV, Nickelodeon, and Vh1. You’ll also be able to stream tons of movies from Paramount’s archives. And they’ve also got a lot of new shit. CBS All Access currently costs $5.99 a month and it will remain that price for three more months. In June, Paramount+ will offer two subscriptions: an ad-free one for $4.99 a month and an ad-supported one for $9.99. Business Insider says that to get people to subscribe early, they’re offering a year plan for $50 (ad-free) and $30 (ad-supported) but you have to get it before March 3.

Here’s how Paramount+ is trying to snatch money out of your hand every month:

Revivals, Reunions, and Spin-Offs – As expected, Kelsey Grammer will star in a Frasier revival. David Hyde Pierce wasn’t mentioned in the announcement, so no Niles, no care. Also as expected, the original cast of the first Real World will reunite in a reunion series. P+ will also have a reboot of the early-aughts sitcom The Game, the return of Inside Amy Schumer, another Star Trek spin-off, an all-star season of MTV’s The Challenge, and revivals of Behind The Music, Unplugged, Dating Naked, Criminal Minds, and Road Rules. And there will be a Beavis & Butt-head movie, a Workaholics movie, and a Reno 911! reunion event called Reno 911! The Hunt For QAnon.

Exclusively Streaming Shows You May Already Watch – The seventh and final season of Younger will stream on P+ before it airs on TVLand. RuPaul’s Drag Race All-Stars, which used to air on Vh1, will now exclusively stream on P+. Speaking of Drag Race, the creators of it will make Queen of the Universe, a Eurovision-type singing competition where drag queens from all over the world will compete against each other.

Kid Stuff – P+ is working on a live-action Dora The Explorer series and the returns of Rugrats of iCarly. Not to mention, that a big chunk of the Nickelodeon library will be available on P+.

New Movies Will Stream On P+ Just 45 Days After Coming Out In Theaters – P+ has copied HBO Max, sort of. A select number of new movies will be available to stream on P+  just 30 to 45 days after their theatrical releases. Those movies will include Mission: Impossible 7, A Quiet Place Part II, Top Gun: Maverick, Scream, PAW PATROL: The Movie, and Dungeons and Dragons. Tentpole releases like M:I 7 and Top Gun: Maverick will be released 45 days after hitting theaters and smaller movies will be released 30 days after. Even though M:1 7 and Top Gun will be released in theaters first, Tommy Cruise may still rage out of his cha-cha heels over this, because he reportedly made it clear to Paramount that he does not want his big action movies to debut on TV screens.

TV Series Based On Classic Paramount Movies – Now, this shit is a mess. Paramount will commit mass butchery by making TV series based on the movies Fatal Attraction, Love Story, The Parallax View, The Italian Job, Flashdance, and The Man Who Fell To Earth (which will star Chiwetel Ejiofor).

My thoughts about anyone but Glenn Close playing Alex Forrest are best expressed through this GIF of her:

If you care to know everything that Paramount+ will offer, click here. They’re also doing a Grease prequel series about how Frenchy’s older sister founded The Pink Ladies.

I don’t know about this. My nights are already busy enough. I mean, I spend at least three hours trying to pick something to watch on all the streamers before I give up and just fall asleep. And now Paramount+ wants me to add them to my already-packed nightly schedule of scrolling for shit until I pass out?! I obviously don’t have the time for that!

Pics: Paramount Pictures, Medium