Last week, H.B.I.C. Martha Stewart posted a sultry aquatic thirst trap, attracting mucho online attention, failed copycats, and, apparently, over a dozen declarations of love sent via Instagram messages. In an interview with E!’s Daily Pop, Martha humble-bragged, “I’ve had fourteen proposals. I don’t know what for, but they’re proposals. I haven’t checked lately, that was the first day.” Wait, is she alleging that these were sex proposals? Or just standard marriage ones?
Here’s the interview (don’t worry, it’s at the beginning):
I can’t shit on those prospective suitors for shooting their shot with Martha. Our shady, frosted-lipped queen looks amazing. So amazing that I’m not even gonna add the backhanded “for her age” to the end of that sentence. And, yeah yeah yeah, she’s a wealthy celebrity with access to fancy-schmancy beluga caviar skin creams and cosmetic surgery, but even if she has had work done, at least she still looks like herself. Although it probably doesn’t hurt that “herself” is a former model.
My romantic advice to Martha is to get wasted and go on Instagram. This time, avoid commenting on chickens, and go straight to the DMs to pick Husband #2. In all her 78 years on this planet (well, 79 next Monday, happy early birthday!), Martha has been married the same amount of times she’s gone to prison: once. So why not slip another in before she hits the big 8-0? There’s something glamorous about an older woman with multiple marriages under her belt. Glamorous. Not sad. GLAMOROUS.