Grimes Claims She Got Eye Surgery To Prevent Seeing Blue Light
It’s no secret that Elon Musk wants to build a spaceship and go to Mars. But I’m starting to think it’s not because he’s into space travel, but because he really wants to fuck a martian. This is based solely off his current girlfriend, Grimes, who might just have outed herself as humanity’s closest DNA match to an extra-terrestrial.
Grimes has partnered up with Adidas, because clearly Adidas ran out of legitimate athletes years ago. Adidas did a little interview with Grimes, and Grimes is either fucking with us, telling the truth, or was high. Adidas asked Grimes about her training regimen. I figured Grimes stays in shape by dodging text messages from Azealia Banks. As it turns out, the answer is sword fighting and minerals that help her glide to other dimensions. Okay, she’s high.
“My training is a 360 approach. I first maintain a healthy cellular routine where I maximize the function of my mitochondria with supplements such as NAD+, Acetyl L-Carnitine, Magnesium, etc. This helps promote ATP and it’s incredibly visceral. From that point I spend 2-4 hours in my deprivation tank, this allows me to ‘astro-glide’ to other dimensions – past, present, and future.
In the afternoons I do a 1-2 hour sword fighting session with my trainer, James Lew, we go over the fundamentals that work the obliques, core stabilizes, and triceps as well as a few tricks. To wind down from this I spend 30-45 minutes on an inclined hike at roughly 4-4.5 miles per hour, arguably the most efficient workout.”
She says she also spends 45 minutes stretching to get her mind and body functioning at a “neuroplastic goal between 57.5 and 71.5 AphC’s” (which is her preferred range for her blood type, which I assume is O-I’m-Positive-You’re-A-Crack Pot). Then she sits in a studio filled with red light, has a 20-25 minute screaming session with her screaming trainer, and boils honey for tea. But it’s not just a bunch of “trainers” who are obviously ripping Grimes off. Grimes claims that she underwent a procedure that removed the top film of her eye to cure her seasonal depression.
“I have also eliminated all blue light from my vision through an experimental surgery that removes the top film of my eyeball and replaces it with an orange ultra-flex polymer that my friend and I made in the lab this past winter as a means to cure seasonal depression.“
And you thought you were so smart by blocking blue light by setting your phone to night shift. But that surgery may be for nothing. Bright white, blue, or green light, is believed to be the colors you want around you if you are trying to fight sadness with a light source. Sitting in a room surrounded by red light might be making things worse. At the very least, she’s at a high risk for getting “Roxanne” by The Police stuck in her head.
But the weirdest claim of all might be Grimes’ final secret to wellness:
“I go to bed with a humidifier on.“
So…just a regular old humidifier? Not a humidifier carved out of desert rock stolen from Area 51? And filled with what, moisture from your aura? Teslaquilla? Maybe she means she hires a humidity trainer to breathe moist breath molecules onto her face while she sleeps.
Pic: Wenn.com