The Oscars Will Be Presenting Four Awards While You’re In The Bathroom

February 12, 2019 / Posted by:

The Oscars are supposed to be a fun distraction at the end of a long, grey winter. We want beautiful gowns, we want pizazz, we want somebody to fall down, we want tears, we want lingering close-ups of Amy Adams’ face as Meryl Streep is announced as the winner for the 89th time. So yes, we want drama, but not the kind of pre-game drama The Academy has been doling out for the past few months. After a series of missteps and stupid ideas, the latest opera glove slap to the face was when yesterday, The Academy announced it would present four awards during the commercial breaks. According to Variety, awards for best cinematography, film editing, live action short, and makeup and hairstyling will be relegated to what they’re calling “delayed presentations”. They’ll be available to livestream on the internet, and will be tacked on to the end of the show as if everybody isn’t already half asleep and down to the last, burnt old-maids in the popcorn bowl by then.

Back in August, The Academy announced that it would be adhering to a strict 3-hour broadcast and noted that some of the usual awards wouldn’t be televised. So this is merely confirmation that even after putting us through The Kevin Hart Non-Apology Tour Featuring Ellen DeGeneres (which was WAY longer than 3 hours), they still don’t give a shit what actual Oscars viewers and filmmakers want. We ain’t got no host, Bradley Cooper’s butt hurt and (rightfully) nervous about singing his little song, everybody’s mad at Green Book, and the apparently director-less Bohemian Rhapsody is probably going to win Best Picture, which means The Curse Of Freddie Mercury may manifest into its final form and engulf the Dolby theater in flames like at the end of Carrie.

A lot of filmmakers are not happy about this decision. The director of the Best Picture nominated Roma #tooktotwitter to express his dismay at cinematography getting the old vaudeville hook.

Fish fucking aficionado Guillermo del Toro ain’t having it either.

Tribeca wants to the Academy to Try-betta (don’t you dare judge me).

It seems like this year’s Oscars ceremony is well on its way to living up to its reputation as the Gay Super Bowl considering how abysmally the Hetero Super Bowl turned out. Maybe they can get Adam Levine in to do Shallow with Lady Gaga and really put the nail in the coffin.


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