Tom Brady was probably clapping with two hands all giddy-like this morning, because Gisele Bundchen served him a very special victory cheat meal of organic, gluten-free, sugar-free, carb-free wheatgrass pancakes lightly sweetened with a hummingbird whisper for being a very good boy and winning his sixth Super Bowl. But while Tommy B and the other Patriots are happy about the game, many aren’t, because it was apparently as dull and lifeless as Tom Brady’s dead eyes. And a boring Super Bowl game got a just-as-boring halftime show that not even a pair of sweaty man nipples could save. You know you’ve redefined boring when even my hard-up-for-man-nipples slut ass doesn’t get even the slightest tingle in the loins over the sight of man nipples.
While those of us who wanted to see some real riveting sports action watched the Puppy Bowl (which was more like the Noah’s Ark Bowl since it had kangaroos, porcupines, and a fucking capybara), others who wanted to fall into a boredom coma watched the Super Bowl including a sleep-inducing performance from Coldplay’s weekday matinee understudy Maroon 5. Some think that the halftime show was such a flaming dingle that it must’ve been produced by Billy McFarland and not even Andy King could save it by sucking some dick. But I don’t think it was awful, I just think it was boring, which is worse than awful. I was all ready to get into some hate-watching fun, but how can you hate-watch when your eyelids keep closing? The makers of Ambien are probably trying to find a way to put that halftime show in pill form so they can really rule the sleeping pill game.
The entire performance was a sad bowl of cold oatmeal, and they tried to flavor that boring mess up with lasers, flames, Travis Scott, Big Boi, and a half-assed SpongeBob cameo, but it was still a sad bowl of cold oatmeal. Travis Scott blew into the stadium in a CGI fireball, and the audience probably wished it was a real fireball so it could put them out of their misery.
Adam Levine tried, and failed, to bring some excitement and make fuck parts howl by stripping his clothes off throughout the show, and at one point, he was down to a hideous 70s motel curtain of a tank top and people on Twitter actually admitted that they have shit taste in home decor.
YALL as soon as I saw Adam Levine’s shirt I said it looked like some 70s home decor, then facebook backed me up pic.twitter.com/nZp99NfdT4
— Morgan Jordal (@morganjordal) February 4, 2019
Adam ended up bringing his nipples out, and looked like Wentworth Miller in Prison Break if Prison Break was rebooted by Spike TV. Janet Jackson got fined for flashing just one nipple during the Super Bowl, and Adam should definitely get fined too. Not for flashing two nipples, but for making genitals fall asleep. Even Adam seemed over it. You’d get more energy from a Jägermeister-drunk suburban dad loudly singing Moves Like Jagger in the parking lot of a Dave & Buster’s after getting kicked out.
Adam responded to the well-deserved hate with some kind of douche haiku:
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When we accepted the responsibility to perform at the SBHTS, I took out my pen and just wrote. Some of the words that came to me in that moment eventually made their way onto the incredible lanterns that flew high and low tonight. We thank the universe for this historic opportunity to play on the world’s biggest stage. We thank our fans for making our dreams possible. And we thank our critics for always pushing us to do better. One Love. ❤️ And the list of words is… Forgive Laugh Cry Smile Share Live Endure Embrace Remember Enlighten Preserve Inspire Sweat Fight Express Give Receive Elevate Climb Unify Fortify Soften Dance Scream Dream Educate Provide Inhale Exhale Persevere Stand Kneel Overcome Love Listen
Meanwhile, Animal Planet showed up Adam Levine and his boring nipples by delivering some hairy pussies gone wild. Now THIS is a halftime show!