May 18, 2018 / Posted by:

Meghan Markle met Prince Charles about 90 seconds ago (okay, eight months ago, if you picky bitches really want to get technical), but yet I guess she felt close enough to him to ask him to escort her to Prince Hot Ginge (read: she shrugged like, “okay“, when the royal family told her he was going to walk her ass down the aisle). And you know Prince Charles is going to stop halfway through in front of Prince Philip and do that “pull my finger” move. Those geezers can’t help it.

When Thomas Markle found a surefire way to get out of a wedding (tip: if you want to get out of going to a boring wedding, get heart surgery), the royal family and whoever the British royal version of Jennifer Lopez in The Wedding Planner is had to figure out who’s going to walk Meghan down the aisle. The obvious choice was her mom Doria Ragland, because they’re close and it’d be a MODERN start to this MODERN wedding. (“Bitch, please!” – said Queen Victoria who walked two of her daughters down the aisle.) And some thought that Meghan may make a statement by walking herself down the aisle. Kensington Palace announced today that her future father-in-law and Lady Elaine Fairchild’s long-lost twin brother, Prince Charles, will do the job.

Kensington Palace said in their statement that Meghan was the one to ask Prince Chuck:

Chuck isn’t going to walk Meghan down the entire 10-mile long aisle. For the first part, she’ll walk with no one by her side as those 10 thousand kids in her bridal party (hopefully) throw tantrums and dump their entire basket of flower pedals onto the floor at once in front of her. Once she gets to the VIP section of the church (where the royal family and her close friends and family will be), Chuck will take her arm and present her to his son. But Chuck wasn’t the second choice. Doria was.

Royal journalist Duncan Larcombe tells Harper’s Bazaar UK that Meghan talked to her mother about walking her down the aisle, but Doria felt the nerves and pressure knowing that zillions of people would be watching:

“Doria and Meghan discussed it but she just didn’t feel she could go through with it. According to the guidence I’ve been given, Meghan felt that it would be too much to expect her mother to perform such an important role when more than one billion people are expected to be watching.”

PHG apparently suggested his dad, because Chuck knows the game:

“There are few people on the planet who are more experienced than Prince Charles when it comes to set piece events like this. Just his presence by her side will calm Meghan and make the terrifying prospect of a royal wedding far less frightening. She will be able to let Charles take the lead and calmly make sure nothing goes wrong. In contrast if her mother was by her side, it would have been down to Meghan to perform that calming role.”

It’s true. Prince Charles will definitely soothe Meghan as they slowly sashay down the aisle. I can hear it now, “My dear, enjoy this glorious moment. This reminds me of when I married my beloved Cam-Cam, a handsome goddess whose furry crumpet I just want to crawl into like a super absorbent tampon, even though the Red Sea hasn’t flowed through her canal in years – Meghan, my darling, why are you running the other way?

Pic: Wenn.com

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