If you change that sign to read, “Fuck This Shit,” that would be an actual picture of me after aging several decades from staying up all night to watch Prince Hot Ginge marry HER!
Meghan Markle’s wedding aisle escort, her dad Thomas Markle, is currently laid up in the hospital getting his heart operated on, so he can’t walk her down the aisle. (Although, with the way he’s been pulling in-and-out of that wedding, I wouldn’t be surprised if he makes it to London early Saturday morning and Meghan ends up pushing him down the aisle in his hospital bed while wearing her wedding dress.) But the circus must go on. Kensington Palace announced today who will be in PHG and Meghan’s bridal party. Meghan is not making the same mistake Duchess Kate is, which is to put adult women in her bridal party because then one of their asses may upstage her (see: Pippa’s ass). Instead, their bridal party is full of human slobber bags who Prince Philip will definitely blame his mid-wedding farts on.
Prince William is PHG’s Best Man, and Meghan isn’t having a Maid of Honor, because (prepare to roll the eye while puttering out, “She would…”, under your breath) all her friends are precious to her and she couldn’t pick just one (and release!). The children in the bridal party are family members and kids of friends. Prince George and Princess Charlotte are in the bridal party, so they’ve probably made sure to keep a bottle of Bactine with them. They’re going to need to spray at the germs wafting off the peasant children they’ve been forced to walk with. The bridal party is:
- Prince George (4) and Princess Charlotte (3)
- Florence van Cutsem (3), a lucky child who is not only PHG’s goddaughter but also has an A+++ name.
- Remi (6) and Rylan (7) Litt, goddaughters of Meghan Markle.
- Zalie Warren (2), goddaughter of PHG.
- Jasper Dyer (6), a Harry Potter villain who also happens to be PHG’s godson.
- Ivy (4), Brian (7) and John (7) Mulroney, the children of Meghan’s friends Canadian stylist Jessica Mulroney and eTalk host Ben Mulroney.
This involves math, so I might be wrong, but I spot one 2-year-old, two 3-year-olds and one Prince George. Prince George holds the power of a thousand terrible toddlers, so there’s going to be 1,003 terrible toddlers there. This is going to be good. My favorite part of any wedding is the ceremonial messy tantrum thrown by either the flower girl or the ring boy in the middle of the aisle. It usually ends with the kid breaking the Jesus stained glass windows with their screeches before their parent drags them off to the confessional for a spanking.
So I’m sure that PHG and MM’s bridal party is going to get lit on clementine basil lemonade (or whatever “fun” drink recipe for kids she found on Pinterest) before the wedding and turn it up down the aisle. They’re going to wreak so much havoc that PHG is going to take it as a bad omen, call off the wedding and become single again. Yes, I know that “joke” is a repeat from a post I did on the royal wedding yesterday, but I’ve always been told that if you keep putting out what you want into the universe, it will eventually come true! No, I don’t totally mean that. I mean, if an American biracial skinny fat blogger can’t wed him, then the next best thing, an American biracial skinny basic cable actress might as well. I guess.