Pepsi Is Working On A Snack Chip Just For Women

February 5, 2018 / Posted by:

PepsiCo, the company that brought you The End Of Injustice In A Can, is offering another astute take on #thesetryingtimes: Gendered snack food! That’s right, ladies! We’re about to be freed from those disgusting, manly potato chips we’ve been saddled with our entire girly lives! According to Business Insider, Pepsi CEO Indra Nooyi recently discussed the company’s plans to make a softer, gentler chip for Americans who suffer from Uterine Existence Syndrome (I know this is not an intersectional condition but it’s Pepsi, what do you expect) on the radio program Freakonomics.

Indra knows What Women Want better than Mel Gibson himself! Indra claims that the two main reasons women need their own chips are 1.) We cannot abide by loud crunching and 2.) We hate the messy testosterone flavored residue left on our delicate fingers by aggressive misogynistic snack foods. Not for nothing, PepsiCo owns Frito-Lay, the makers of Cheetos and Doritos. BI reports:

“As you watch a lot of the young guys eat the chips, they love their Doritos, and they lick their fingers with great glee, and when they reach the bottom of the bag they pour the little broken pieces into their mouth, because they don’t want to lose that taste of the flavor, and the broken chips in the bottom,” Nooyi told Freakonomics.

She said: “Women I think would love to do the same, but they don’t. They don’t like to crunch too loudly in public. And they don’t lick their fingers generously and they don’t like to pour the little broken pieces and the flavor into their mouth.”

Oh dear. Who is going to tell Britney and Anne Burrell? Thankfully, Indra has got some great solutions in mind that will keep generous finger licking where it belongs: In the bedroom!

“For women, low-crunch, the full taste profile, not have so much of the flavor stick on the fingers, and how can you put it in a purse?” Nooyi said.

Leave it to Pepsi to always keep its gross, cheese dust encrusted dick finger on the pulse of the biggest issues of the day. I can’t wait to try Pepsi’s Gyno-Krisps! I bet they will taste as good as equal pay, and by not drawing attention to myself with my loud crunching noises, I can also avoid unwanted male attention and sexual assault!

Pic: Instagram

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