We Get It, Miley, You’re All Grown And Mature Now 

May 17, 2017 / Posted by:

Miley Cyrus spent her last two albums hammering into our brains the point that she’s no longer Hannah Montana or a bubble gum pop puppet and is now an oh-so-edgy, pasties-wearing, Bernie Sanders-supporting, hip hop-loving, glitter-queefing acid raver chipmunk. But now that she’s out there selling her new single Malibu and her new album, she’s hammering into our brains the point that she’s no longer a strap-on-wearing twerk-a-nator and is now a fresh-faced, beach hair-having easy listening chanteuse who is totally not offensive. You hear that, Trump supporters? It’s safe to #BuyMalibuOniTunes.

Miley already said that she’s done with listening to hip hop and now she’s throwing hate at the wrecking ball she rubbed her bare cooter against. While pimping out Malibu on the Zach Sang Show (via Entertainment Weekly), Miley was asked to play a game of “Eff, Marry, Kill” with her songs and her choices were, The Climb, 7 Things and Wrecking Ball. Bangerz-era Miley would’ve said, “I’d fuck all of ’em twice and then I’d kill The Climb ‘cuz that’s nana muzik, yo! And den I’d fuck its dead body with this strap-on, boo ya!” But since Miley is in her G-rated, watered down Sophie B. Hawkins phase, she says that she’d kill Wrecking Ball.

“Marry would probably be ‘The Climb,’ because it still has a message I’m down with, Eff would be ‘7 Things,’ Kill would be ‘Wrecking Ball.’ That’s something you can’t take away — swinging around naked on a wrecking ball lives forever. Once you do that… it’s forever. I’m never living that down. I will always be the naked girl on a wrecking ball. I just licked the sledgehammer. I should have thought how long that was going to follow me around. That’s my worst nightmare — that being played at my funeral.”

Yes, Uncle Terry directed Wrecking Ball and that’s just a pile of smegma-covered NO, but it’s still one of the least offensive things that Miley did during that time. (Insert almost anything else she did during that time) was much more offensive. But still, future funeral directors of the world now know what to do. If you do Miley Cyrus’ funeral, make sure to outfit the inside of her casket with a little TV that plays Wrecking Ball on a loop forever!

And here’s Miley looking like Crocodile Durrrrrrdee in NYC this morning:

Pics: Backgrid, RCA

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