Like a goth 7th grader who’s decided that being goth is stupid and it’s all about being an emo punk now, Miley Cyrus has grown from her twerking days and has replaced the marijuana pasties, rainbow clit cozies and purple horse tail butt plugs in her closet with Gunne Sax dresses, a banjo and cowboy boots. 90s MTV News reporter John Norris interviewed Miley for Billboard to promote her single Malibu, which comes out soon, and they talked about Trump, her weed sabbatical, her hate of manly manly men and her new singer-songwriter-y sound, which is totally different than John Mayer’s granola sound. Miley’s sound, look and tastes may have changed, but she’s still waaaaaaay cooler than everyone.
John called Miley’s new sound “singer-songwriter-y,” and yeah it is, but it’s totally not like the granola crap that Ed Sheeran is sharting out.
Yeah. But not granola. I don’t listen to Ed Sheeran and John Mayer and stuff.
Miley is an enlightened country hippie now, and some country hippies like to smoke a joint while lying in a field of wildflowers where they sing a little off-the-cuff ditty about cloud shapes, but not Miley, y’all. Miley has been off weed for three whole weeks. I can’t even say that I’ve been off weed for three minutes, because I may or may not have had to suck down a green cloud of vapor to get through this Miley interview.
This is crazy, but I haven’t smoked weed in three weeks! I like to surround myself with people that make me want to get better, more evolved, open. And I was noticing, it’s not the people that are stoned. I want to be super clear and sharp, because I know exactly where I want to be.
Miley isn’t only done with weed (FOR THREE WHOLE WEEKS!), she’s also done with hip-hop. The hip-hop community has a reason to celebrate today because Miley is no longer in them.
I can’t listen to that anymore. That’s what pushed me out of the hip-hop scene a little. It was too much “Lamborghini, got my Rolex, got a girl on my cock” — I am so not that.
John brought up people calling Madonna and Lady Gaga posers for changing their looks, and she used that question to tell us again that she hasn’t smoked the good shit for three weeks. THREE WEEKS!
I think [Madonna and Gaga] are enlightened. I fucking hate it when people can’t adjust. I used to [resist changing]. But I haven’t smoked weed in three weeks, which is the longest I’ve ever [gone without it]. I’m not doing drugs, I’m not drinking, I’m completely clean right now! That was just something that I wanted to do.
Miley declared that she was genderqueer a couple of years ago, and so they talked about gender identity for a second and John asked her if she likes dudes who are DUDES. Miley thinks that’s gross, and also thinks that the way girls dress today is sad. Miley may have been off weed for THREE WEEKS, but she sounds like a 9th grader giving a speech about gender studies right after getting stoned for the very first time.
Not even. That really grosses me out. I always get in trouble for generalizing straight men, ’cause straight men can be my worst nightmare sometimes. And I’m with a straight dude. But he’s always like, “Well, don’t call me that!” I ask him sometimes, “Do you like being a boy?” And he’s like, “I don’t really think about it.” And that’s crazy to me, because I think about being a girl all the time. I’m always like, “It’s weird that I’m a girl, because I just don’t feel like a girl, and I don’t feel like a boy. I just feel like nothing.” So when someone’s too masculine, that really grosses me out. But then, girls really make me sad a lot of the time too, especially right now. I think fashion has taken us a little bit downhill.
And finally, Miley dipped into politics for a second. Miley pushed for Bernie Sanders in the primaries and rallied for Hillary Clinton during the main round. John wondered if she’s hoping to reach Trump supporters with her new music. Miley just wants to make love to the world.
This record is a reflection of the fact that yes, I don’t give a fuck, but right now is not a time to not give a fuck about people. I’m giving the world a hug and saying, “Hey, look. We’re good — I love you.” And I hope you can say you love me back.
Give yourself three pants on the taint if you guessed that Miley would go all hippie Loretta Lynn after Trump won. And while you do that, I’m going to grab my stash of weed and sing a slow acoustic version of Rick Astley’s Together Forever to it, because weed has had a week of rejection. First it learned that Brad Pitt dumped it years ago and now it’s learned that Miley has been done with it for three weeks. THREE WEEKS!
Pic: Brian Bowen Smith/Billboard