Anne Hathaway Says She Had No Choice But To Wear A Pointy Nipple-Looking Dress To The 2012 Academy Awards

Is it just me or does Anne Hathaway’s nipples look like a sloth’s beady little eyes? It’s me, right? I might still be hungover.

So Ann-with-an-E Hathaway continues to bring us the Anne Hathaway Redemption Tour, and this time she’s spoken to Harper’s Bazaar about the Hathahate and how she’s totally not that girl anymore (ie: painfully obnoxious) and how she absolutely, totally didn’t have an epic Broadway showtune-screaming Hatha-meltdown when she found out that Amanda Seyfried was planning on wearing almost the exact same dress as her to the 2012 Academy Awards. Anne says she didn’t care! It wasn’t a big deal! Sure, she was forced to wear a dress that made her look like a factory defected Fembot from Austin Powers, BUT SHE’S TOTALLY OK WITH THAT! Anne’s long-ass nipple dress story is after the cut, because bitch goes into detail about that shit.

“I found a dress, like a month before,” she explains. “It was the most beautiful, reflective, shimmery dress—rainbows were going to dance off me.” However, the day before the ceremony, Hathaway was called by a tearful stylist’s assistant saying that the dress had already been worn. So she regrouped, choosing a gown by Valentino. “I love the house, and he’s my buddy,” she says of the famed designer, with whom she has been friends for years. “One of my favorite people in the entire world. It all made sense.” But that night, at Oscar rehearsals, her Les Misérables castmate Amanda Seyfried showed Hathaway her Alexander McQueen dress. “And it’s a lilac version of my dress. Two completely different designers.” At 10 o’clock the night before the Oscars, “I didn’t have a friggin’ dress, which I normally wouldn’t care about …” Long pause. “But I really needed a dress, and everybody hates me, and I just really needed a dress.”

On the morning of the Oscars, a pale pink satin Prada gown arrived at Hathaway’s house. “I was like, ‘Wow! I can do this. It’s beautiful. It’s appropriate. It’s modern. It’s minimal.’ ” Minimalism needs tailoring, and tailoring took time Hathaway didn’t have. “I look in the mirror, turn to Adam, and say, ‘It looks like my nipples are hard.’ He says, ‘You look beautiful. Your nipples look pointy. The red carpet’s about to close. We gotta go.’ “

That’s a lot of words for “Amanda Seyfried is a grotsky little dress-stealing biotch.” NO! Anne doesn’t care, remember! New Anne Hathaway is cool like that. She’s like, yeah I wore a nipple-poppin’ dress to the Oscars that I picked out the night before, big woop, Annie H don’t give a frig.

But what I don’t understand is that if Ann-with-an-E knew that people hated her – and in the weeks leading up to the Oscars, they definitely did – then why did she give the most eye-rolling Oscar speech of all time? Bitch knew nobody could stand her ass and she STILL pulled that “It came true!” bullshit?!? Girl, no.

Here’s more of New Anne Hathaway trying to win back the hearts of America by covering her titties in stick-on cellphone crystals for Harper’s Bazaar. But you could have also told me this was a campaign for a discontinued Avon perfume called Cheeky Spirit or Uptown Heartbeat, and I totally would have believed you.