Mary-Kate Olsen Is Engaged To That French Banker Dude

That woman on the left who looks like she’s heaving, crying and laughing at the same time… That’s probably your reaction to all of this.

Last December, the small woodland creatures of the forest all scurried to find a safe hiding place, because they heard that 27-year-old Mary-Kate Olsen was going to get engaged to her 44-year-old French boyfriend Olivier Sarkozy and they knew she’d have to catch them to sacrifice them during the matrimonial ceremony. Well, those woodland creatures better not come out of their hiding places, because UsWeekly says that MK is really engaged to Nicolas Sarkozy’s Easter Island statue-looking ass half-brother. Some source says that after being together for two years, Olivier put a ring from Neil Lane Junior on MK’s finger and everyone’s happy about it. Her family loves him and his little kids love her, and probably because they can wear her clothes. The source spit this out:

“Mary-Kate has made him a better father. She remembers all the kids’ special events. She thinks he’s a great dad. Mary-Kate’s family thinks Olivier is the best thing to happen to her. They love him.”

Olivier Sarkozy looks like the hardest and most evil boss in a sci-fi video game from the 1990s and Mary-Kate Olsen looks like Super Mario is going to jump on her head at any moment, so they’re perfect for each other. Whores always complain about their age difference, but to me, MK has always looked like a 12-year-old girl whose body was possessed by an elderly French witch, so they make sense to me.

And if they ever have kids together, DAMN. I feel for that doctor’s hands, because that baby is going to be ALL forehead. That doctor’s going to keep pulling and pulling and all that’s going to come out of MK’s little body is forehead and more forehead. It’s going to look like a magician pulling a never-ending scarf out of a top hat.

Pic: AP