Kylie Minogue Debuts The Latest Version Of The Slut Dress!

Gay bug zapper Kylie Min…wait. I was going to make a joke about how Kylie Minogue draws the homos in with her vivacious pop tracks and tiny beauty like a backyard bug zapper but then I realized that “gay bug zapper” sounds like she cures AIDS. Also, she doesn’t kill gays after she draws them in. That we know of. Bad analogy.

Kylie Minogue’s got a new track, a new pair of coochie cutters, and A NEW VERSION OF THE SLUT DRESS! Her stylist got out the exacto and sliced up a spandex tube dress from 1989, transforming it into an easy-access garment full of regality! Anja Rubik and Isabella Recke are all over this shit for their next red carpet affair.

This video for “Timebomb” is full of charisma, uniqueness (not really), nerve and talent (questionable)! Follow Kylie as she knocks over people’s shit and refuses to Rupaulogize for it; steals bitches’ camera phones and just throws them away; and visits several sex clubs (booty tooting against a wall and offering the cameraman anal in one). She gets so much done in a day.

I also noted Ms. Minogue knows her hanky code. Let’s see – red in the back right pocket. Total Muppet. Loves it up to the elbow. Video below:

Jenna Jameson Arrested For Riding A Pole

It wouldn’t be Memorial Day weekend without dumb bitches getting into their stars n’ stripes drankin’ thongs, guzzling down a 12-pack of Natty Light, and driving their slutmobiles into telephones poles. God bless America, hunty.

Porn czarina Jenna Jameson got pinched for DUI last night. TMZ sez her drunk and whorey car made out with a cold and withholding telephone pole around 1:30 AM. Jenna must have failed to say her ABCs backwards so she was handcuffed on suspicion of DUI. Much like Jenna’s, her car’s vagine is always hungry for something long, tall and stiff.

It’s a “misdemeanor suspicion of DUI” so she’s probably already been released into the wild.

In her defense, I’m guessing the ABCs aren’t in her repertoire anyways. She probably wasn’t even drunk! Her eyes are sinking into the middle of her face so it’s not like she can see the road at night times! Do we really think Jenna can’t handle her hooch?

Seriously, though, call a fucking cab. Or get on the bus. We’ve all experienced the joys of public transportation whilst inebriated. You make so many new friends. They’re fine with you making a vom puddle. They can just step over it and wish you well.

It’s awesome times to be back with you sexy fucks. Whenever Michael K.’s slut ass asks me, I feel a burst in my heart. It’s probably the deep-fried Yodels.

Programming Note: J. Harvey’s Back!

Since J. Harvey is a certified drunk mess, I felt it was only fitting to announce his triumphant return with these pictures of Our Patron Saint of Patron, Kate Moss, trying to figure out how “this walking thing” works while leaving a Mexican restaurant in London with her husband Count Von Count last night. But before I get into Drunk Ass Kate being Drunk Ass Kate….

One of the more reliable voices in my head tells me that the sanctity of marriage will receive a flaming breath of life this weekend when the most gorgeous ginger lesbian on every planet Rojo Caliente marries Cynthia Nixon. So because of this, I’m going to spend my entire Memorial Day Weekend throwing confetti made of double pleated Dockers in the streets to celebrate the greatest ROYAL GINGER LESBIAN WEDDING OF OUR TIME! No, I won’t be doing that, but I did hear that a Rojo Caliente wedding might be upon us soon, so gird your souls! My mom is in town, so my sister and I will be spending our Memorial Day Weekend fighting with each other in various restaurants around the city. While I do that, J. Harvey will be spreading the foolery on Dlisted starting today through Monday. I’ll still be posting sporadically (file that under: smart words I learned while watching Clueless) throughout the weekend, so you haven’t completely gotten rid of me. I’ll be back full-time on Tuesday where we’ll continue to investigate the mysteries of dick cheese, etc…

And now, here’s Kate Moss threatening all of us with a good time by leaving her fly open while leaving that Mexican restaurant. I don’t know if that peep show sign is just a decoration to make that place look edgy or if there’s a porn store next door, but I sort of like the idea of a Mexican restaurant/sex store. Yes, it would smell like a donkey show star’s fart, but I’ve smelled worse in the subway during August. I mean, when you’re jacking off in a sex store, don’t you really wish that you had a bowl of refried beans in your other hand? Hold the queso blanco.

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For May 24th!

Even though they were halfway through the season, John Travolta told his team that somehow their new uniforms were STILL not ready! – Whamo

Runners-up:

Cristiano Ronaldo yawned, not wanting to leave the pleasant dream he was having. – SANS FARDS

The guys soon learned that playing Strip Rugby against the girls wasn’t such a great idea after all. – by Aunt B

via FunPic

Hot Slut Of The Day!

When I was 5 or 6, my mom bought my sister and me these stupid blinking flashlights from the Ice Capades, and since it was the 80s we were mesmerized at how the lights blinked off and on by themselves. We played with those dumb things all night like a couple of ravers. We weren’t even rolling on ecstasy! Sad, I know. The annoying sounds of brats giggling like crackheads during the night quickly tugged at my mom’s nerves and so she confiscated those flashlights and put them at the top of this bookcase/desk unit thing in our bedroom. She didn’t realize then that most children are crazy, dumb as all hell and fuck deficient. The next day, my sister and I pulled the desk drawers open and started to climb up Mt. Bookcase. If Cliffhanger came out in the 80s, that’s the movie we would’ve played. (Remember when you “played” movies.) I would’ve been Janine Turner, of course, and she would’ve been that homely blond ho. About halfway up, the bookcase started to wobble forward and that’s when we guessed the only light show we’d see that day is the one that would lead us to the afterworld after we fell to our deaths. The bookcase fell on top of us and we both hit the floor. It actually wasn’t that much of a fall. It was maybe 4 feet, but we were kids. We were dramatic. The bookshelf trapped both of us, but I managed to squeeze out, grab my flashlight and go to my abuelita’s room to play with it. My sister was still trapped under the bookcase, but I’m assuming she eventually got out, because I just saw her last week.

What I’m getting at is that if we had a smart Klee Kai puppy like Caos, that shit would’ve never happened to us. Because Caos would’ve taught us how to properly climb drawers to get what you want.

via Tastefully Offensive

Birthday Sluts

Cillian Murphy (36)
Ethan Suplee (36)
Lauryn Hill (37)
Molly Sims (39)
Lindsay and Sidney Greenbush (42)
Jamie Kennedy (42)
Octavia Spencer (42)
Anne Heche (43)
Stacy London (43)
Mike Myers (49)
Connie Sellecca (57)
Eve Ensler (59)
Jacki Weaver (65)
Frank Oz (68)
Leslie Uggams (69)
Ian McKellen (73)